Dec 18, 2025
I think the begining of self love is realizing I wasn't ugly or stupid or lacking in some huge way which made me unloveable, I was just a teenage girl who didn't know it was okay to be yourself and breathe.
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I think the begining of self love is realizing I wasn't ugly or stupid or lacking in some huge way which made me unloveable, I was just a teenage girl who didn't know it was okay to be yourself and breathe.
I am in my Yuzuru Hanyu era.
Lately I've been waking up with my hand lying across my hip bone and it feels like someone else's body...
it’s 3:41 am. another sleepless night, and i know how this will end: with the afternoon sunlight glaring past my eyelids. another endless cycle of late sleep and late waking times. i thought i had gotten over this during quarantine, but apparently the 6:00 am school routine i had dreaded was the only structure keeping me sane. with so much time but so little of it at the same time, days blending into hours blending into whole weeks slipping past me like minnows in river currents, counting down to the day i will leave home and never return the same way. dread and the horrors a overactive imagination keep me awake again. instead of finishing up a drawing, i am typing up this post. i am procrastinating a chemistry placement exam i was given two months to complete. it is due the day after tomorrow. i need to compile a list of the classes i wish to take but i do not want to face the tutorials i need to watch in order to get a semblance of how to piece my future together. i do not want to face the inevitable independence that comes with the passing of time but if i do not learn how to drive and get my overdue permit and get another new job and call my roommate for the first time and memorize a map of my college so i do not get lost like my directionally-challenged ass will do and swallow down the urge to pee in anxiety or stop my hands from shaking and tearing apart the hairtie in my hands, the reality is that the future will still catch up to me and life will grasp me in its arms and swing me around with no pattern and the earth will keep spinning and i am spiralling i know i am. plug my earbuds in and blast music to drown out my thoughts but if there was a soundtrack to my life it would probably be silent, because i do the best when i have a melody but the worst when there are no distractions, the optimal sound for non-procrastinators and people who have their lives together like i totally do, right?
right?
I want 110 this year and I will have it. No more caving. I'm done.
I'm slowly working back up to 140 rn and this is me holding myself accountable—I've been making excuses for long enough and if I don't change I'll officially be falling back into old habits. I can't let my past self down, not again... she put in too much work to throw it all away...
I'm supposed to be 100 this month and instead I'm working back up to 130 - literally what is my fucking goal here???
And I'm slacking on my studies so bad... :/
I haven't cried in a long time and I really wish I could right now.
scared to weigh in when I get home.
started the holidays ☆ving away in my room and it felt so good, but I b1n93d so bad the last two days I'm scared to see all of the progress I lost :( I know f@st1n9 can be a slippery slope but it just feels so good to be completely empty...
This such a horrible thought, but I know y'all would understand cause I know it's the 4n@ part of my brain talking:
I want to get bad enough for him to notice and say something. We're friends, sure, but not that close yet. I want to ⭐️ve all throughout the break and come back and have the group reunite and I want him to notice and pull me aside and say something. I want him to ask me if I'm okay because I think he actually is the type to notice that shit, but I was losing weight before I met him so he has no idea what I looked like this time last year...
But also like don't perceive me at all and make me admit to what's been going on or I'll actually break down and cry and that's so fucking embarrassing... I want someone to notice what I'm going through and actually SAY SOMETHING but I don't want to acknowledge what I'm doing... If he noticed it could still be a secret... no one else seems to pay attention long enough to put it together.
God, what's wrong with me?