Dear Bri,
Do you ever think about the people in your life and how you love them, but you don’t feel like you can rely on them?
It’s disconcerting to realize that you know so many people and you claim so many as yours but you lack people you trust enough to turn to when you’re having bad days. You lack people you’re comfortable enough with you go to when you’re sad, depressed, or feeling a little empty without worrying that you’re being a downer, that you’re being a bother.
Do you worry that people only love you when you’re happy or good company?
I do.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t trust people to see me at my worst. I’m not sure anyone outside of my family has really seen my lowest points and even then, well I’m not sure they’ve seen it either because I take to hiding myself away when I’m angry, upset, sad.
I’m really good at pretending to be okay and it’s a problem, because I’ll have days like yesterday where I’m doing fantastic, great! And then I’m inexplicably sad. Last night was bad, if I’m honest, and I’m glad that Sam was insistent on not letting me wallow in my sadness because I’m still a little bit sad today but I feel better than I did.
I wonder how people who have healthy, good relationships with their parents feel. I wonder if they’d even be capable of imagining how difficult it is for those of us who have shitty family relationships. I know you’ve heard about my rocky relationship with my family and I’ve heard about yours, but it doesn’t stop it from sucking any less.
You feel like a failure if you cannot do the things your mom wants you to do.
I feel like a disappointment because I’m no closer to getting a degree than I was when I graduated about five years ago. I am no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life than when I was sixteen.
Growing up, my family sorta treated me like I was stupid, because I didn’t share the same interest as them and didn’t share the same time of intellectual knowledge as the did--do. So I somehow managed to trick myself into thinking that the only way my parents could be proud of me is if I did awesome in college and I paid for everything myself.
So when I fucked up and more or less failed a semester because I couldn’t focus, because I didn’t like my teacher, because of a number of reasons, I felt like a failure. I felt like the only thing my parents were proud of me was school-- which I know isn’t true, because there’s a lot for them to be proud of.
But there was a point in time where my dad told me he was so proud of me for going to school and doing well and paying for it all on my own and it was the first time he’d told me he was proud of me for something in...god knows how long.
And I imagine you know how that feels, maybe not about school but about something like that with your mom.
You are nothing like your mom and I’m not really like my parents and it creates a lot of conflicts for us.
We understand, intellectually, that there is a lot to love about us and that our parents are proud of us for more than just one thing but, emotionally, we struggle with accepting that knowledge because we’ve grown up as less than.
We’ve grown up without proper support structures, without someone to turn to when we’re hurting and have them understand why we’re feeling the way we’re feeling. OR we’ve grown up without having someone who doesn’t need to understand but doesn’t chastise us for feeling something other than what they want us to feel.
We’ve grown up trying to live up to expectations we never wanted and aren’t capable of fulfilling and it crushes us every time we miss the proverbial finish line.
We cling so tightly to the friends we make because we’re desperate to create the family we want.
At least I do.
I struggle with letting go of toxic people in my life because I care so much about them that it hurts to know that they don’t care even half as much. I struggle with admitting that they’re being shitty, because I’d rather believe in the best of people. It takes a lot for me to get fed up with a behavior and it’s always surprising to the person when I call them out on their shit.
And then I’m the bad guy.
And it’s so terribly exhausting.
I’m not sure I’ve ever really had anything stable in my life that I loved and there are days where I feel like I’m never going to be stable the way I want.
It’s a terrifying prospect, but then I remember that there are people out there that I haven’t met yet, who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. Who will pick me first and never make me feel like I’m second best. Who will see me at my worst and still stand by me anyway.
There are people out there like that for you too.
People suck and hate to admit when they’ve made a mistake or when they’re in the wrong, I used to be one of them and I’m stubborn as hell, but a part of growing up, being an adult, and living life is accepting that you’re going to make mistakes.
Accepting that you’re not always going to live up to the expectations of others.
Knowing that you’re going to do something you shouldn’t and then have to face the consequences and that’s okay as long as you take responsibility for your actions. It’s about accepting that people are going to blame you for things that are not your fault, out of your control, and that’s okay because you know who you are and there are still people who love you even if they don’t.
I know there’s a lot less communication between us since you’ve gone through Impact and your other training, or since you’ve moved states but that doesn’t mean I love you any less.
I’m still here for you, when you need me, but if I’m a little distant it’s because I’m learning how to talk to the newer, bolder, you who is still figuring yourself out after realizing that hey, I like girls. Or it’s because I’m dealing with my own disastrous life that I’m trying to clean up.
Things aren’t ever going to be truly easy, I don’t think, but it’ll always get better if you want it to.
It’s okay to be sad and to let people know that you might not be as well put together as they think you are. It’s okay to show the chinks in your armor from time to time. It’s okay to want to reach out to someone and let them know that you’re in a dark place and you’re afraid.
It’s not going to be easy and yeah, you may feel clingy or needy or bothersome, but they love you, I love you. I’m here for you. I will always be here for you because I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t have someone you can reach out to and hold on to when you’re lost in your own head, or grappling with your demons.
Some demons can’t be quelled alone.
Some burdens are meant to be shared.
Some bridges can’t be crossed without help.
Sometimes you can’t handle the sadness or insecurity or doubt by yourself.
Sometimes you’ve got to ask for help and take it when it’s offered.
I’m willing if you are.
Always,
Mijin.