Breakup ramble number idk
It's been a few months. I held onto us maybe talking for a long while, but instead he sent his sister to pick up his things.
And that's how a 5 year relationship ended. That's how he ended everything we went through together. It didn't make sense how he could be so cruel, to the point that he called me a monster and a tyrant that he had to endure. That I abandoned him.
I of course felt angry and guilty. And then I realised my guilt came from feeling like my new friendship with my new best friend made it all go sour. It's stupid, I realise that now, but the way he made it seem as though it was my fault for not having discipline and boundaries, that he had to make some for me. (Yes, it is and was a form of control, I know that now). Still, the guilt wouldn't go away because I was realising that even if I pushed down my feelings and ignored them, I had in fact fallen for my best friend. I had feelings for another person while in a relationship, of course I would feel guilt, of course I wouldn't want that and of course he would feel insecure, especially if he noticed.
And yet, the fact that he treated me so awfully cannot be excused. I fell for a friend, yes, but the way he reacted to it all was what made me reconsider our relationship. My bff was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
And then, months later, I came to terms with the fact that I closed that option in a panic, and that maybe I do want something with my bff. The wounds are healing, I don't feel guilt as much as I used to (just a pang every once in a while that I'm working on), and I confessed. I confessed last week. And it was mutual, it is mutual, and now I don't know what to do with that because I just confessed to take it off my chest. To open the door again and maybe have something, but I don't know what that something looks like. I didn't give myself the space to actually think about the possibility of it being mutual. I got myself into a mess I don't know how to resolve. Fun.
