Jun 26, 2022
I thought I was done being worth less than a man when I left the church of Christ…
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I thought I was done being worth less than a man when I left the church of Christ…
Mainline CoC Worship
I always sat with my parents at church. There was no one else my age, and I was used to that (bitterly - "of course, God doesn't want me to have any friends"). After the Sunday morning adult Bible class, there would be some time for fellowship before the worship service. I stayed in my chair; read a book. The preacher, the elders, some others would come up to me and give me a side hug. I hated it. Those older men with their huge bellies, putting on a facade of loud welcome. If I happened to be even less in the mood for hugs from these men, it was just worse. You can't say no. You can't say let's stop this hugging thing. They love shaming surly teenagers. They love getting you to smile despite your mood.
The adult classes were taught like real school classes - answer questions and fill in the blanks in your work booklets. The preacher often asked the kind of question where the answer is right in the scripture we just read, so the the answer is obvious and you think the question is rhetorical - but he's actually expecting someone to answer, and if nobody does he starts treating us like we're idiots that weren't paying attention. On Wednesday nights we had little booklets that go over a book in the Bible. On Sunday mornings I only remember the most recent classes - one was called "Equal But Different" which was about why women are deemed not intelligent enough to become preachers or do other things that only men can do (they started this one year just before I went back to college, so fortunately I didn't get to go through that whole class). The other was reading "Muscle and a Shovel" which is about someone studying the Bible with someone. Someone in the excoc Reddit did a great chapter-by-chapter of this book and its sequel.
It was very fundamentalist, of course. They worshiped the English translation of "Paul's" writings. They took it as commandment.
The singing felt heartless because I was used to clapping during half the songs, or even occasional acoustic guitar. In the ICOC, signing in worship is very upbeat, uplifting. In the mainline instruments were not aloud, including clapping because apparently that's using your hands as an instrument. I really clung to that as my number one complaint - the feel of worship was so off. It was lifeless. And every man who had ever lead singing before sang the melody instead of harmony, leaving everyone who tried to sing harmony clueless about what notes they were supposed to be singing. And I was one of two sopranos in the congregation. With all these men singing the melody, it felt like they were trying to lead us, like we couldn't be allowed to sing by ourselves. Especially on a song like "Our God, He Is Alive" when all of a sudden halfway through the sopranos start leading while the rest of the congregation echos. Can't have that.
Every year we hosted a "Ladies Day" where we invited women from other congregations and we invited a speaker and we had a theme and decorated etc. I volunteered to be the song leader. I asked the preacher's wife if I could lead a song that had clapping in it. She said some people might not clap with you, but yeah, go ahead. So I went about it the right way - I asked for permission and got it. I lead the song and it was fun, and I sat back down. It was after we ate lunch, so I did it to keep the energy up. The speaker we invited was an older lady from Tennessee, and she went back up to speak. She publicly rebuked me and everyone who had clapped during my song. I sat there and listened. I can't believe I didn't walk out. She did not make me feel bad for what I did. I guess I just reasoned that this lady is from the South, and those churches are more conservative. Self righteous bitch.
Teen Camp
Every summer, I went to the ICOC's teen camp where all the ICOCs in the area would send their teens to make new friends, see old friends, play sports, and take classes on the Bible. I continued to go even after my family started going to a mainline coC because I was determined to keep that tie to the ICOC, the church I was "meant to be" in.
Just so this post isn't too long (and because I don't remember too many details), I'll bullet point what I remember:
it was pretty expensive to go (it was a place where "celebrities" supposedly sent their kids in the summer on weeks we weren't there). The last year I went my dad said I could get drivers ed OR go to camp, and I chose camp. And then I had to take drivers ed with my younger brother.
I hated playing sports, but they always made me. It was always the hottest week of summer. You couldn't do whatever you wanted to do, you had to follow your schedule and you couldn't skip out on anything. The last year I did get to do a musical instead of playing sports :)
There was always a dance. All the girls spent so much time getting ready. One year I stayed behind to watch a movie with a group but all the kids there were all kind of weird... I was too, but I always imagined I was better than them somehow. Kids with developmental disorders always befriended me... I don't know why, and I always felt embarrassed to be seen being friendly with them.
there was a congregation in the state next to mine that had a lot of girls my age and a little older. I made friends with the ones my age and i absolutely idolized the older girls. They had boobs, they had style, some of them dated, and they were perfect Christian girls. They were inspired and inspiring. I wanted to be them. I couldn't touch them. I wasn't cool enough to talk to them. I soon started to believe I wasn't cool enough to talk to practically anyone. Everyone was either beneath me or above me - nobody was exactly at my level. Everyone who tried to include me was just showing me a kindness or making a project out of me (make the quiet girl talk).
there was no "mixed bathing", and everyone had to wear tshirts over their bathing suits (I think both genders)
there was a worship service every night, and classes in the mornings and afternoons. There was always singing at the classes and worship services. I always liked the singing in the ICOC.
everyone took notes at all the classes and lessons. I had notebooks full of notes. When I left the ICOC I finally threw all of those notebooks away, so I don't remember exactly what all the lessons touched on, but here's what I can remember:sharing our faith at school is vital - we are responsible for the souls of everyone we meet MODESTY
men are visual
men can't help imagining what you're wearing under your clothes
you don't want to be a stinky shoe/chewed up gum/broken flower
you will never forget all the past times you were intimate with someone; a woman saying "I have a headache" means "I am remembering the times I was intimate with someone else so I don't feel like having sex with my husband tonight"
you are responsible for making your "brothers" stumble
boys have no control of their urges
police the way your friends dress
just don't masturbate - you won't die if you resist the urge
masturbation and porn harms your relationship with your future spouse. it may even be cheating on your futures spouse.
don't put the person you're dating above your relationship with God - if that happens, you have to take a break
treat the opposite sex like they are your sibling - you wouldn't kiss your sibling on the lips
in Mary and Joseph's culture, if 2 young people were left in a room alone it would be guaranteed they would start having sex in a few minutes
don't awaken love before its time
don't pursue boys - let them pursue you
don't let there be a hint of lust in your relationship - don't even get close
get advice on your relationships - ask another couple or your parents if they see any lust in your relationship
singles have more time to focus on God and the church - relationships are a distraction from that
if you're not baptized yet, here's why you need to start studying the Bible with someone in your church and get baptized; if you are not baptized you are separated from God and are going to hell if you die tomorrow
that's pretty much it? there might have been something like "here's how science supports the Bible" or "here's how science proves the existence of God"
the people who taught classes usually used personal stories. there was always someone who had done "sex and drugs" before they became a Christian and they regret everything they did and they're a totally new person now
the term "became a Christian" means they were baptized FOR the forgiveness of sins - it could be the case that someone outside the ICOC could believe this, but is not likely. The term "Christian" means someone who is saved. Everyone else is a "non-Christian".
The taking notes thing made me think - That's one thing about ICOC culture - they wanted everyone to have their own Bible in church, and they wanted everyone to be taking notes in their own notebooks so we could "be like the Bereans" in Acts 17. I guess it's to make us all think that we're being studious, that we're not just taking everything at face value, that we're being critical thinkers. But what it actually does (to teens at least) is convince us that everything we're writing down is the truth. I wonder if it stems from the ICOC having so many campus ministries.
Teen Camp was an affective way to indoctrinate us.
There's nothing like that spiritual high you get towards the end of camp. Everyone is excited, everyone is "convicted," everyone is ready to face the world - ready to start conquering souls, ready to be a better person, ready to get serious about getting baptized, ready to make our parents proud, ready to have a success story to share next summer. We always promise to keep this energy up when we get back home, get back to school.
Leaving the ICOC - The First Time
I was baptized in March. Shortly before, our preacher had us going to a Christian Church (a denomination that also stems from the church of Christ) some weeks and having house church other weeks because he needed a break. I don't know what the actual issue was but it seemed he had too much on his plate. And in April he announced that by the end of summer he was leaving our church and the ICOC wasn't sending a replacement. Our church was dying.
To a 14 year old who just officially declared her devotion to God, this felt like abandonment. And that feeling stayed with me for the entirety of high school. Was it the timing of it in my life? Or do I just have that kind of personality?
I was depressed. And lonely. And I developed such a strong sense of fatalism, like God was punishing me. He isolated me on purpose. (You know you have teenage angst when you think you can relate to Job.)
I kept going to the ICOC's teen camp. I held onto that identity of "I belong in the ICOC". After our church died, we continued to hold a house church with the remaining members (2 families and 1 single) and go to an ICOC in the neighboring state. My parents finally gave up and started taking us to a "mainline" church of Christ.
I resisted. I never opened myself up to that church. I idealized the ICOC. And I couldn't wait to go back some day.
A Little Background
I was born into the International Churches of Christ. My parents both grew up Catholic and found this church in the 80s. They believed they had found the "true church".
When I was in my teens our ICOC fell apart and we started attending a local "mainline" church of Christ. If you don't know, the ICOC originated from the churches of Christ, so the teachings are similar.
I went to college out of state, but I still attended the coC there and when I came back home, I came back to my family's coC. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I left in 2016, as soon as I had my own car.
Ever since our ICOC fell apart (I had internalized this grief into "the church and my church friends were taken from me"), I had started to idealize the ICOC. I refused to open myself up to the coC we were attending and the people in it, and I longed for the day I could return to the ICOC.
Our old ICOC was "re-planted" and I started attending in 2016. The church quickly wrapped me in and I started going to church events 2-3 times a week. I started singing in the worship team. I felt like I belonged and I was so glad to be there.
That is, until they rejected me.
any other ex-ICOC people out there?
i don’t miss the ICOC, but i do miss the things i felt while i was there