Crabs.
They used to be the only thing I cared about. I was such a happy little octopus, swimming around in my tank at the Coventry Zoo in Gotham City. Hide amongst the rocks, swim swim swim, wiggle my arms for the humans... life was a breeze (though I didn't actually know what a breeze was). Every so often, the humans would put two plastic boxes into my tank, each with a delicious crab inside. Each box would have a picture on it; one with some fellow clad in armor, and the other with a shark. Call it habit or call it instinct, but I always avoided the shark. After I nom nom nommed on the crab in the box with the armor on it, all the humans watching me from the other side of the glass would burble excitedly and take photos. I thought it was weird at the time, but I also remember being quite pleased that my dinner was being packaged and delivered to my house free of charge, so I didn't really ask any questions (it didn't help that I couldn't talk).
I recently found out that the pictures on those boxes held special meaning for the humans dunking them in my tank. The shark and the gentleman wearing the armor represented the logos of two football teams: the Metropolis Sharks and the Gotham Knights. Apparently the humans had been using me as some kind of octopussy soothsayer to predict the outcomes of their football battles. I was so good at predicting the victors (even though I always ate the Gotham crab, nom nom) that the humans even started calling me "Saul The Psychic Octopus". Of course.
So there I was, one week ago, waiting for my next crabby victims when a stray shrimp fell into my tank. Shrimp? I thought, I guess they're changing up my menu today. I'll just reach over with a few of my arms here, and-- GYARRRRRRGH!
How was I supposed to know it was some kind of robo-shrimp from outer space? The silly little critter bit me! Moments later, my tank was destroyed, there was water everywhere, and I was standing in front of a very surprised group of humans. Standing. And I was as naked as a... well... as naked as an octopus that just transmuted into a human adult male with no clothes on. That kind of naked.
Without thinking, I waved one hand at the group of gawking humans, and their surprised reactions all melted into content smiles. They seemed to forget all about the strange, wet, naked guy standing in front of them, and went on with their merry business. I slipped past them and walked out of the aquarium building, waving at several more humans to keep them distracted too. How ironic. I was a faux-psychic octopus, and now I was a real-life-psychic man, messing with these humans' minds with a simple wave of my hand. Oh sweet, sweet irony.
I shuffled out of Coventry Zoo and down the street, waving my hand at anyone who stopped to look at me twice. It was so bizarre trying to balance myself on two feet, but I somehow managed it. I'm a human, I'm a human, I'm a human... my mind repeated ad naseum, as I tried to figure out how I could hide myself away from all the prying eyes. After all, hiding is what an octopus does best (after eating crabs), and as a mimic octopus, I'm pretty used to making myself look like other creatures. What I needed were some of these clothes that all the other humans seemed to be wearing. I needed to blend in.
Luckily, I happened to come across a store that sold soft clothes to fancy human men. Perfect, I thought, I will insert myself into polite human society by wearing the finest clothing available, as I waved my hand at the human behind the counter, borrowing a black suit, shoes and a top hat from his store. I'll bring him back some crabs later, I promised myself.
I stepped back out on the street, and was immediately confronted by a human man wearing black sunglasses. He held in his hand a long white stick, which he tapped on the ground in front of him. I assumed that he was offering the stick to me, so I took it off his hands and swiftly continued down the road.
And that's when Braniac sucked me up off the planet.
That's when I inked my pants.