You know what time it is, it’s therapy thursday!
(Putting it behind a read more, since the discussion of suicide isn’t graphic, but it’s kinda personal and might hit too close to home for some people.)
“You know, Dr. Deern I never- when I climbed into that chest, I didn’t want to DIE. I wanted to disappear.”
Isaac took a shaking breath.
The older man across him slowly nodded, speaking up in his always calm way. If Isaac were to be mean, he’d might call it sedated. “… I see. But you understand how that is a distinction not many understand?”
“Well-“ Isaac started. “Dying is such a harsh, hard word. It gives you a grim image, doesn’t it?”
“… if you die, it leaves behind so much dirt and things. So many burdens, that you suddenly put on others. But the chest, inside the chest- when things disappear, it means you haven’t thought about them for a while. You know they’re SOMEWHERE, but you don’t really care and when you do care, you’re already- you know you can live without it. Does that make sense?
Maybe they’re lost, maybe they’re gone, but you… have put them down at some point and were fine with it.”
“… if a person disappears from your life, they leave behind nothing. Maybe some memories, but the thing about memories is… you can make new ones, similar ones.
If I were to disappear into thin air, maybe in some years someone would think ‘oh what happened to Isaac?’ but then shrug, because it’s not worth the effort to try and find out. Maybe they smile at the memory of me or maybe they scoff, but either way it’s fine, because who knows what happened and it’s not their fault or problem or-“
Finally it clicked for Isaac.
“… the difference between dying and disappearing- it’s the difference between something breaking or disappearing.”
He sighed.
“… someone has to take responsibility for breaking it. Even if on accident, someone has to own up that they acted WRONG, that they- should have done something different…
… just like that, we remember the dead. We put down marks so people maybe remember them.”
“… nobody would care about the forgotten little chest in the corner though. Or what they put in it… they can replace all that is lost. They will feel guilt for all they’ve broken.”
Rubbing his eyes, he tried to suppress the tears welling up, hot and prickling.
“When I climbed inside, I thought about how nice it would be if nobody would ever look for me. A-and how nice it would be if I’d turn into dust and nothing else! I thought about everything I’d leave behind- which is nothing but effort for others- and how much I hoped for- for it- for it all to go to someone who can appreciate it…”
His breath was all over the place.
“Just fade- being there less and less every day and able to give a little bit, the last bit they need while looking for something else and- I have to offer nothing anyways, so there’s nothing to be missed and-“
Breaking off he stopped, looking at his therapist.
It was silent for a few moments, until the old man seemed sure he wouldn’t continue.
“… do you still feel this way? Even after you were looked for and found? Would you say Bob came to get you because he WANTED something?”
“I… no. I don’t think Bob- and- with mom I don’t know-“ He hid his face, crumbling into the chair. “… I wish I could have stopped existing long ago. There are people nice to me, but it scares me. Nothing feels right anymore. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. Just disappearing would mean I don’t have to think anymore. I hate feeling this lost…
… I’m just taking and taking and taking and I don’t belong anywhere and I have nothing to give these others who hang out with me, I just take and take and take-
If I were in the chest and if I never would have come out… they could give to better people.
I’m taking and all I give in return is- bad! I just have bad things to offer. People around me can get so miserable and my stupid words do NOTHING and I just...
I still sometimes… try to disappear. Little by little. I’m trying not to take so much.
I’m tired.”
Once more he took a breath.
“… can we- can we stop for today?”
The therapist looked at him concerned, but then nodded. “You have some time left though.”
“Yeah- well- I could just-“
Putting down a rubik’s cube, the older man leaned back, Isaac quickly picking it up.
The rest of the session would probably pass in silence.
Unless Isaac would remember some questions he had wanted to ask.
But it didn’t matter.
Sometimes the silence was good for him.
