#fairywhisper

[fairieswhisperhere]

today i got a heavy heart watching someone in the place that should've been mine. and it's weird bc i thought i would genuinely never look back. but something about the same eyes and hands and words and mind that used to belong to me now busy with someone else just churns my stomach.

[tolwenjun]

i love death. wenjun still has his name tag on his suitcase!! 😭😭 | ©FairyWhisper

[fairieswhisperhere]

literally 180° turn for my life, so long bitches I'm off to being successful and happy

i hope this blog rots in hell

[fairieswhisperhere]

i'm gonna preemptively embarass my self by announcing that Octa has just texted me. Well, not texted, he sent a picture. i have not opened the message yet so I don't know what it is and it's probably something really stupid buuut I've been chasing this high for soooo long jesus.

it doesn't even matter whatever it is bc right about now I feel so good to know that he still thinks of me, even a little. i'll update once I'm brave enough to open the picture.

[fairieswhisperhere]

yesterday I dreamt of Octa. and like, it's the first time it's ever happened to me and it wasn't even anything all that interesting, it was kind of like a recreation of one of the times we went out. but then, in the morning my google photos threw me a memory of exactly a year ago, and it was a picture of one of the times we went out too. then like also I posted a story and I saw that he saw it like immediately and he LIKED it.

aaaaand the point is, I'm being terrorized by the impulse of talking to him or wanting to see him again. and it kills me. don't get me wrong, god so help me I will NEVER speak to him again (unless he does first), but I can't believe that a whole fucking YEAR after we stopped seeing each other I still fucking yearn for him. he's not even that cute dude.

and i feel so guilty bc obv I love my bf and we've been so okay lately that I can't believe I would even think about someone else, much less someone I don't technically even know anymore. but yeah.

i think this is really it guys. this is the "what if" that'll follow me around for the rest of my life. jesus.

[fairieswhisperhere]

omg this is so mean but I think Erick (my most absolutely forever crush) broke up with his gf and likeeeeeeeee *puts hair behind ear* hiiiii we should totally become friendsssssssssss aaaAAAAAAAAAA

they no longer follow each other and they deleted their pics together and OMG also I forgot to mention that this past weekend Octa started watching my stories again and like obv that doesn't mean anything but maybe it does???? and am I wrong for wishing juuuust a tiny little bit that I was single for a moment cause also there's this new guy I'm not even gonna name yet but we started talking today and he was my crush like two years ago and I can't believe we're finally talking and it's like soooo sad and soooo wasteful that I can't do anything about it (and I won't I swear) bc of my bf (not in like a prisoner way tho) bc like yea I love him but gooood my two dream guys IN LIFE and this other dude who's also very cool who I never thought even knew who I wasssss AAAAAAaaaAAAaAaaaA

[fairieswhisperhere]

I have nowhere else to post this obviously but I'm sooooo fucking exciteddddd. I just bought some gifts for my bf's birthday. it's still like a whole month away, but I'm so happy for me bc for once i started planning in advance for it, and I ordered him three really cool things he wanted, and I still have two more paydays to buy him at least another two gofst and make this a really good birthday and oh my goooosh. I'm so so happyyyyy. I love him so fucking much you wouldn't actually believe it. he's the love of my life i want to marry him so bad.

[fairieswhisperhere]

ooooo soooo

newest boy is the saddest thing ever, but we need a bit of context. as is maybe obvious, I'm not american. last week I flew to the usa for a congress for 4 days, which was very cool. I got to present my research and meet a bunch of people and it was so so fun. and in-between those people was this guy: Prash. he's Nepali.

we met through other people, and tbh it's not like we immediately hit it off or anything, we just sort of got introduced and then he left and that's it. the congress was very big so the first day, after getting introduced, I didn't see him again (and I never mind). but then next day, there was a mixer for students and there, we met again and we actually talked.

at first it was like a small group of us, but after a bit we kinda just stood apart, talking together. and I mean, it wasn't much of anything, it was mostly about our countries and him offering me to come to his university (he's currently studying in america) to do an internship or smth. I wasn't even drunk (there was a stupid 2 drink limit at the event) but at some point he asked me if I could dance and we did like, awkwardly dance for a couple minutes. it was a dance from my country, where you do stand very close to the other person.

I have to mention here, that he was actually cute. like not even my-type-cute (i have niche taste), but like conventionally-attractive-cute. only downside is he was short- about my height, maybe a bit taller, but im short, especially by american standards.

and at the end, I did ask him for his number (with the excuse of getting more info on the internship) and he even put his name on my phone as like a nickname.

problem is, I think he may have given me the wrong number, OR I think he forgot to put the country code (cause my phone is from my country), and when I tried to text him it didn't go through.

next day we did run into each other but there wasn't much chance to talk and I couldn't tell him about it. and then, that was it. the last time I saw him was at the closing ceremony, but he was far away and we couldn't stand up, and even though I waved and he waved back as soon as it was over he left very quickly and I couldn't find him.

and I am sad, not because we had anything, not even like a moment of sorts, because I didn't exactly feel like I usually do with there things, you know, the sparks and butterflies and shit. buuuut

1- I was interested in the internship

2- he was so cute and so nice and we seemed to get along decently well so wtf

I tried texting him again, after correcting the number (I added the country code) and I am currently waiting to see of I hear back from him. and like, obviously I'm at the point of not expecting anything, I've practically given up

but gosh, things usually always go so well for me that I can't fathom this being the one loss I have to take.

any way, cross my fingers I'll update this with good news.