On Hiding
[Image description: A hymnal is opened to the Tom Kendzia hymn "Endless Is Your Love." End ID]
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,' even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you." Psalm 139:7-12 https://my.bible.com/bible/59/PSA.139.7-12
This week, I have wanted to run from the Almighty. And this week, I have sought Him all the more.
In faith, attempting to hide hinders us more than it hinders the One we are trying to hide from. He already knows every inch of us and the deepest corners of our souls. Recognizing and acknowledging our wounds and vices is a necessary part of healing. That process of recognition is often an extremely difficult first step. All too frequently, we don't want to recognize those wounds. If we don't acknowledge them, maybe they'll go away, we think.
But in the end, trying to hide ourselves from Him only hurts us because it keeps us from experiencing His transforming love. Every time I have gone to Confession with a sin that was weighing me down and confessed it, I have walked out of the confessional with a lighter heart and a greater sense of hope. My hope that He wanted to help me become more loving and more virtuous has been renewed, every time.
This week, some experiences came to light that shook my confidence in my faith. I wanted to draw back from my faith practices and stop practicing them, not to turn to Catholicism or any other religion. Instead of drawing back, something propelled me forward. I woke up early, got ready for my day, and without thinking, drove to daily Mass. I have not been to daily Mass regularly since the beginning of 2020, and here I was, attending it again despite my desire not to do so. Although I wanted to hide, I knew there was no point. There is no hiding from His love. And the sooner I stopped hiding, the sooner I could experience it.
At Mass this morning, the cantor played and sang the hymn "Endless Is Your Love" during Communion. Ever since my return to the Church, the first verse has echoed in my mind in moments of trial: "Surely there's a place / Even you don't know. / If I climb there, if I fly there, can I hide from you?" There is nowhere we can hide from the Almighty's love. He loves all of us, fully, and wants to welcome us to rest, healing, and conversion in His love.
-- Esther
