From the Abyss to the Vision
Three events changed my life forever: receiving a vision from God, going to war, and attending graduate school. But this post concerns only the first.
The first event transpired after a concatenation of incidences culminated in my being figuratively shipwrecked along the crags and shoals of life. The more recent decision tipping my ballast and leading to navigational miscalculation sprang from perhaps the most challenging training I had ever undertaken. And the one thing that I did not account for while pursuing this course surfaced during several team exercises in which I learned that most humans have little regard for those in their cohort; rather, Hobbesian self-preservation takes the fore and informs human valuation. Supposed allies sent conflicting signals; support evaporated. Isolated and ultimately broken, I failed.
Tragic as the outcome was, the experience served as a chisel chipping away at my preconceived notions about human altruism and, more importantly, about the appropriate trajectory of my life. The calamitous situation had stifled that trajectory. I had placed my hopes and dreams in surmounting the odds inherent in the training undertaken, believing that I possessed the physical and mental prowess necessary. But the weight of the wreckage was too much. When it collapsed, I hit rock bottom: no purpose, no direction, no inclination concerning the way forward!
I found myself hobbling around the barracks until new orders came. I often sat alone, wondering about my future prospects. Emotional and physical paralysis set in, so it seemed. Attempting to obtain some counsel and guidance from those in my immediate proximity proved futile; few cared. Circumstances nudged me to look inward, but the deeper I peered into my soul, the less I saw. Only an abyss stared back. Wading through this abyss, I reflected on the spiritual roots of my childhood, which consisted of a mixture of Native American spiritualism and Christianity. Those were simpler times, for faith had felt natural then, like breathing. Now it was a distant memory and difficult to summon. Be that as it may, I mustered all the strength I had to utter a simple, desperate prayer—the only words I could manage were these: Are you there? Help me?
Only hours had passed since I uttered that prayer. Dusk set in, and hopelessness crept in and began to consume my very being. I climbed into my rack, fading in and out until a deep sleep gripped me. No sooner had I drifted into this sleep than I was seized upon by a motley of hostile beings—whether in a dream or a vision, I know not. Their anger was palpable—they gnashed their teeth and hurled insults at me. The chiefest among them stepped forward, hands clutching for my throat, and roared, “You are not welcome here in our dominion!” I began to gasp for air so violently that a nearby person, roused by the commotion he heard in my vicinity, shook me awake. Coming to my senses and still a bit disoriented, the man asked, "Are you alight? You are as white as a sheet." I could see and sense the terror that enveloped him. I immediately headed for the bathroom to look in the mirror. I was indeed pale, appearing as if death had overtaken me. The man had followed me, and, while I observed myself, he remarked, "You were not alone while you slept. Something dark and terrible surrounded your bed." Fear gripped us both.
I began to pace back and forth in the small bathroom, thinking about the encounter I experienced. It felt so vivid, so horrifying. Aside from the chief antagonist, I recalled that most of the beings were in an enraged frenzy over the prayer I uttered hours earlier. Why? I exerted myself, replaying the scene over and over in my mind, but no additional clues surfaced. The why had to persist. Too naive and spiritually inept to discern the meaning of it all, I tried to forget about the whole ordeal and told the man to do the same.
For the next few days, I lived as if nothing had happened and hoped that no recurrence of the supernatural encounter would occur. I realized that I had too much downtime and needed to keep myself occupied, lest idle moments spark reminiscing about the supernatural terror I had endured. I hobbled about on base, eating at nearby fast-food joints and doing my best to keep up with my laundry. Days passed in silence. But then a great light broke forth and shone down upon one who had sat in darkness—upon me. A week or so later, I lay down to sleep. In the depths of that sleep came another vision: a celestial being of majestic aura stood before me. I could scarcely look upon him; the very sight of this radiant being imbued my soul with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. Tears streamed down my face as I raised my hands to shield myself from his blinding brightness. Even as I recoiled, he extended both arms toward me and began to speak. In his hands he held two books, both immediately recognizable. The words he spoke were a direct commission regarding the two books—words I am not at liberty to fully disclose. Were I to share them plainly, many would count it mere foolishness. When his message was complete, the vision vanished. I sat up in bed, stunned and trembling at what had just transpired.
From that night forward, two great truths burned in my soul: 1) that God lives and hears the cries of the desperate, and 2) that Mormonism is the gospel restored through Joseph Smith! I asked for help and received a thunderous answer. There was no returning to the life I had known.