You don't have to like everyone, but sometimes petty hatred goes too far. Hating members of fandom so much that you can't stop watching them? That's a problem. If you talk about them more than anything, make entire accounts about them, try to sabotage their waking lives? You have a serious problem, and you're hurting yourself.
Obsessive hate is physically bad for you. It can raise cortisol, disrupt sleep, and weaken libido. It's also a black hole for mental energy. You don't wanna look back and wonder what you could've done instead. If you're in an echo chamber, it's keeping you stuck and robbing you of time you'll never get back.
For your own good, even if it's only in self-interest, try being radically honest with yourself. Be open to the idea that there is a better use for that time and energy.
You might tell yourself that anyone you hate must be doing real harm. You might try to justify your emotions or gain support by slapping people you hate with labels that are universally considered hate-worthy (pedo, racist). But this is transparent, and it serves no one except those who benefit from the dilution and misuse of those terms. Like predators and the far right.
If you've truly deluded yourself into believing everyone you dislike is a terrible person, you surely care less about the impact on them and their life. But it is worth remembering that behind every screen, there is a real person with an entire inner world and people in their life. People behind the screen have their own responsibilities, regrets, dirty dishes, bills, trauma, shortcomings, failures, losses... You might have more in common with them than you think. They might even be actively involved in something IRL that you would support. And you never know what someone is going through. But you do know they are not responsible for your core insecurities.
Making someone else's life miserable will never make you fulfilled. It may even burden your future self with shame and guilt.
I'm not asking you to swear off being a hater for life. I'm imploring you to free yourself of these irrational fixations. Hating Elon Musk or Donald Trump? Rational. Well-deserved. Productive if it leads to activism.
You and the person you hate have common enemies, for sure. Like the ones devaluing human life and taking away health care away and militarizing ICE, sending BIPOC and immigrants to alligator alcatraz, destroying the earth, and literally poisoning marginalized communities. If spite/hate feels good or familiar for you, try a placebo in redirecting it to one of these common enemies.
These common enemies are so insidious, so much more worthy of that hater energy. But you already know that, so what's the deal?
With those common enemies, the instant gratification isn't there. The idea of upsetting someone lets you feel like you have some kind of (artificial) power and control you lack elsewhere. Maybe you're lashing out at someone who's more likely to read your individual message, and that's more gratifying. But ask yourself: where is that gratification even coming from? What is it made of? What does it say about you? Because I promise you, it doesn't say anything at all about the person you hate.
Ty for reading, even if you hate-read. 🖤 ☠️
Managing your tumblr experience
How to stop obsessing over someone you hate
12 steps to stop feeling bitter:
1. Do a genuine re-evaluation, being honest with yourself. Often, in telling our story to others, we stop telling the truth to ourselves. What actually haunts you, versus what you tell your friends bothers you because they all agree it should?
2. Put your story on hold. What would happen if, just for a week, or even a few days, you take a break from telling it?
3. Take what responsibility you can for your feelings. The point is not to blame yourself, but to reclaim your personal power.
4. Stop spying. Spying on the person who triggered your upset is self-torture that inevitably lowers self-esteem. Spying on others can also be addictive. If you can’t stop spying, you might need support.
5. Face up to your hidden fears. Bitterness often is a perfect disguise for fear of failing. If the odds are stacked against you and nothing is fair, it's not your fault if you don't succeed how you want. If you deal with the fear, you won’t need the bitterness.
6. Forgive when feeling bitter? Sure, but only at your own pace. Fake forgiveness can be a way of just denying how you feel, or even hold you back from processing emotions and situations.
7. And don’t forget to forgive yourself, too. It’s possible to hold on to feeling bitter for a long time so you can focus your anger on someone else because the hard truth is that you are furious at yourself.
8. Step into the now. Bitterness lives in the past and the future. Get into the now moment by concerning yourself with current opportunities and goals.
9. Branch out from feeling bitter. Bitterness tends to fade in the face of excitement and joy. In other words, new and better experiences.
10. Set mini goals for yourself each day. Bitterness is a powerful tide, and best intentions to try new things and be mindful can soon be caught in its tug. The way around this is to not just make big goals, but also small, achievable goals that keep you on the road away from feeling bitter.
11. Try a new perspective. Feeling bitter can have us seeing life from a very narrow perspective indeed. Imagine what the situation you are struggling with would look like from a different viewpoint entirely.
12. Seek support. Feeling bitter can be quite the battle to move on from. And sometimes the strongest tactic and easiest way forward is to accept help.
Upon seeing that the amazing @strang3lov3 has been harassed to the point that she is abandoning her blog I’m torn between wiping my blog entirely or posting the most depraved, disgusting fic I can conjure up in her honour.
I don’t want them to win but the people who are killing this fandom and this space are seriously unhinged in their actions. They preach from their soapboxes about the ‘damage’ that is caused by fiction they don’t like whilst actively stalking and harassing people. The only people causing any damage here is them. Being a real life asshole is way worse than writing about fictional ones. They can fuck all the way off.
Anyway, going to step up moving my fics over to AO3 for now, come follow me there.
