#fat crossfitter

[exercisingendomorph]

#6 is my favorite

[exercisingendomorph]

You’re still a good person

[exercisingendomorph]

I wear forgiving pants. The world is too hard as it is, without letting your pants have an opinion on how you are doing.

Anne Lamott

[exercisingendomorph]

Fat CrossFitter Tries: the Y

Oh hello. You might remember me. I used to exercise. Then I didn’t. Now I sort of do?

My twins are mostly sleeping through the night, which I have just jinxed by saying that (RIP, REM!), so I have a tiny bit more energy than I did. Occasionally, I’ll slog through my 4-year sleep deficit and get my heart rate up. It’s fun/masochistic, tomato/tomahto. 

Anyway, after I went on my CrossFit hiatus, I tried a bunch of other exercisey things. There was ballet barre, spinning, pure barre, interval training, yoga, Jazzercise, and finally CrossFit (at a different gym).

Nothing felt quite right, so I took a breather. For a year. 

Occasionally I’d do that 3-2-1 interval with my ride-or-die, and even though I have the core strength of an amoeba, I always liked the way I felt after. Much to my dismay, high-intensity exercise is the only antidepressant I've found that has no side effects. 

No side effects other than gettin ripped, of course. 

Hahaha, jk, even at my CrossFit peak, I’ve never been anything but a BBW.

There’s a YMCA a mile and a half from my house. It has childcare and group fitness classes and a pool, and they were running a no-joining-fee promotion, so I figured what the hell. 

...It’s been mixed bag.

The first class I went to was called Total Body Strength. The class time was listed online as 5:30 to 6:00. I thought, huh, must be intense since it’s only half an hour. I told my dad to meet me out front at 6:15, dropped my kids in the childcare area, and headed to the fitness room.

Copying the other folks in there, I grabbed a mat and some dumbbells. The class started and it was a million reps of everything, and I realized 20 minutes in that I was still breathing entirely though my nose. So... not intense. And my Total Body did not feel Strong.

One of my friends says that CrossFit gave her exercise dysmorphia--nothing feels like it qualifies as exercise unless she’s laid out--drenched, quivering, and gasping--at the end, and to a certain extent that’s true for me too. I’ve tried to give myself credit for dog walks and yoga and whatnot, but as I said above, it’s the HIIT stuff and heavy lifting that keeps the demons at bay. 

There was no move to wrap up the class at 6:00, and I figured out at that point that the website was probably wrong. I kept going until ten after and then picked up my mat and tried to be discreet as I headed for the door.

I must have failed in my stealth because the guy I walked past said, "Excuse YOU," and gave me an epic stankface.

"I'm sorry!" I said, chagrinned, and turned to put my mat away, which is when I realized that maybe it wasn’t my exit he was objecting to. I turned back and said, "Oh no, did I hit you with my mat?"

To which he did not reply.

Cool cool cool. This all went great.

The next class I tried was a kickboxing class. In fact, I went thrice, but ultimately it was just aight for me. I mean I could probably get into once a month, but not as a regular routine. It was as high-intensity as you wanted to make it, but it didn’t feel worky enough.

Next, I did an Insanity class, and that was real good. I sweated; I panted; I felt good at the end. There was a lot of jumping, and my structural supports were inadequate.

But I’d do it again for sure. Of course, it's only offered on Wednesday mornings, so maybe only after I become a kept woman. (Inquire within about Sugar Parent application process.)

Next, I did a bootcamp class. The coach handed out the workout on little slips of paper.

I was like, how long do we have to complete this? Two weeks? Can do!

Nobody actually finished the 8 rounds. And CrossFit it ain’t--most folks did squat-thrusts instead of actual burpees; their “squats” were quarter-depth at best; and some folks had like full, standing still, catch-up-on-your-week convos in between sets.

Anyhow, he gave us 35 or 40 minutes, and I got through a whopping three and three-quarters rounds. And that's counting each leg as one mountain climber.

But as I walked out, the coach flagged me down and said, “Your squat form was perfect. They were so low. And I thought, ‘No way she can keep that up,’ but the last round was as good as the first!”

Well, shucks.

So anyhow, I think I'll stick with this for the moment. Maybe at some point I’ll get back into lifting, or go back to a CrossFit box, but right now, I’m gonna try to work up to three classes a week and see if that neutralizes my asshole brain.

What are you guys up to? Still lifting? Gettin swoll? Running 5ks? Prancercizing?

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[exercisingendomorph]

Fat CrossFitter Tries: Nia & Pilates

The listing on the Y’s website said Nia stands for non-impact aerobics and promised “joyful movement for body and soul.” It said it was a “sensory based movement practice that draws from martial arts, dance and healing arts” done to a “wide variety of music.”

First of all, that bit about the wide variety of music?

The whole hour was like if Kenny G remixed the tracks from a Casio keyboard sample button. 

Second, it was just fucking boring. It was not dance, or martial arts, or healing arts. Did we shake a tail feather? No. Did we choke anybody out? Nah. Did the goddess in me greet the goddess in you? Nah-maste.

It was just a lot of stepping side to side and flailing the arms. 

Would I do it again? 

Moving on to pilates. For the uninitiated, pilates is like yoga but with more emphasis on working your core and less emphasis on smelling like patchouli. I have a friend who loves it, and the Dixie Chicks once took a pilates instructor on tour with them. I figured what’s good for the Chick is good for the... whatever kind of fowl is fatter and less talented. 

I read the wikipedia page about it, and dammmmmmn,

It says there’s limited evidence to support any of its claims (reduced low back pain, improved balance, improvement of medical conditions), and I quote: “There is some evidence regular Pilates sessions can help muscle conditioning in healthy adults, when compared to doing no exercise.” 

SOME EVIDENCE. WHEN COMPARED TO DOING NO EXERCISE.

Much like with Jazzercise, the median age was retirement-and-a-half. And you know I’m cool with that--(1) I’m no spring chicken myself these days, and (2) most fitness regimes are scalable. But even though I tried to push myself with the moves, I spent the next day wondering when my delayed-onset muscle soreness was gonna kick in, and it never did. So maybe the wikipedia page was right? 

Would I do it again? Maaaaaaybe? But probably only with the Dixie Chicks’ trainer.

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[exercisingendomorph]

I Guess I’m Blogging About This Shit Again

My friend was like, It’s great that you’re blogging again about exercise!

And I was like, oh. Um. Am I doing that? I mean I did. Do that once. I just don’t know what else I have to say about exercise. 

But then I worked out this morning and had some thoughts so I turned them into this garbage for you. You’re welcome.

Here’s today’s bootcamp workout:

Coach said you could break the sets up and/or do them in any order you wanted, so I more or less chose two or three things at a time, went to fatigue on each (sometimes that was five reps [burpees], sometimes it was 40 [jumping jacks]), cycled through until I finished the 40 reps, and moved on to the next set of exercises.

I don’t know how much time we had (30-40 minutes maybe?), but I completed the workout right as the coach was saying, “Ninety seconds left!”

I was all

And then he was like, “If you’re done, hit a wall sit for the last minute and a half!”

And I was like

But I did it. And by that I mean I did like two or three sets of some seconds within the remaining time.

One big change for me from my CrossFit days is that I try not to obsess about times or reps or weights. I used to record every goddamn air squat I did because, if I didn’t write it down, it didn’t count.

Count towards what?, you ask. 

Well, how good a person I was, of course! 

But I realized that was just part of diet mentality for me, and I’m trying like hell to get away from that bullshit. 

I firmly believe believe people’s bodies are hard-wired to tell them what they should eat and how they should move. Some folks have fucked up their signals with dieting and eating disorders and buying into ridiculous cultural standards of size/beauty that they don’t even know what the signals feel like anymore.

But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard.

You? How are you doing? Any toxic exercise/body/weight/food paradigms you have shifted or are willing to shift?

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[exercisingendomorph]

Fat CrossFitter Tries: CROSSFIT

Yes, that’s right, I went back to CrossFit. Don’t blow your load--it was just two WODs, one reg'lar and one endurance.

See, several CF gyms in my area post openings on Class Pass, so I periodically check them out to see who’s coaching.

A few years ago, a friend from way back became an affiliate owner. He was always one of my favorite coaches/people at my old haunt, so I decided to hit up a WOD he was coaching at his joint.

It had been more than three months since I lifted anything heavier than my own hamhocks, but I was like, it'll be OK, unless it's front squats. I hate front squats. Front squats are my [fart noise].

Walked in. Looked at the board. Programmed strength: front squats. Motherfffffffff.

I thought, "Maybe I haven't lost that much strength! It'll be OK!" Yeah, I was, like, super-wrong about that. Squatting 70% of my old 1RM proved near-fatal.

The metcon was tabatas of four things: weighted step-ups, sit-ups, kettlebell swings, and rowing for calories.

I considered counting my recent weight gain as the “weighted” part of my step-ups, but I sucked it up and grabbed some 8-lb dumbbells.

Went with a 25 on the swings and did them Russian, and that was aight.

Sit-ups were always easy for me, but after the front squat debacle, I prepared myself for utter defeat. Remarkably, despite letting my core atrophy since January, I can still rip through them. Huh. I'm not sure how muscles work.

And finally, I didn't barf on the rower, so that was a total victory.

A couple weeks later, I went to an endurance WOD at another box, which included (amongst other things) 200 double-unders and 80 man-makers. And that tells you all you need to know about that.

Did I sweat? Like a gross amount. Did I scorch my moosles? Christ, yes. Would I do it again? Am I back, back again, Amy's back, tell a friend? Is the Lightly-Exercising Endomorph to become the Fat CrossFitter once more? . . . Maybe. 

I've been considering getting back into CrossFit. There's nothing quite like the struggle-n-burn of a well-programmed WOD. And clearly my current regimen of light yoga every 12 days is not maintaining my brute strength.

But I'm trying to buy a new house, sell my old house, maybe get a new job?, take care of my kids, and not go completely fucking loco in the coco, and it just seems like too much to schedule right now. Those are my excuses, and I'm stickin to em.

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[exercisingendomorph]

Tips for New CrossFit Coaches

I don’t know how much turnover a typical gym has. We have a couple coaches that have been there for years and really know their shit, but we also get a pretty regular rotation of newbs. A few interactions over the years made me want to jot down some pointers that I thought would help you, help me, and help you help me.

Note: These tips are not CrossFit-specific. In fact, this post could be titled "How to Make Everyone Think You're Rad Just as a Person Like in General."

1. Use your words.

Once, I was on the rower when a new coach looked at my damper, said, “You don’t want that there,” and bumped it down.

I’m bad at a lot of things at CrossFit. I’ll go ahead and say I’m bad at most things. But for a fatass who’s not even 5′2″, I’m a pretty good rower. I listened to my coaches over six years, and as a result, my technique is decent. While back, I was partnered for a WOD with a chiseled 20-something who had no problem doing strict pull-ups, and I smoked her on the rows. 

So back to the new coach. He didn’t ask me where I wanted the damper. Didn’t tell me why he thought it needed adjusting. Just looked at my stomach rolls and made an assumption.

Before you touch or adjust an athlete’s equipment, have a conversation. Ask questions about their plan (I was actually doing an experiment on myself with the higher damper setting), or at least tell them what you think they should do and why. Just like how you prefer the proctologist give you a heads-up before he gives the ol' prostate a goose, athletes like a little warning.

2. Assume everybody’s doing their best.

A buddy of mine was scaling the metcon’s snatches to power snatches because dude cannot overhead squat. He’d hammered at it for four years by then, and he would keep trying during the strength segment, but it was literally dangerous for him to try to snatch reps for time. The coach ran at him mid-WOD yelling, “SQUAT!”

He’s a super-sweet guy, so he just said, “I don’t squat,” in a pleasant tone of voice, but she would not let up.

“SQUAT! SQUAT!”

“I don’t squat.”

About the fourth time she yelled, I became Luther, Obama’s Anger Translator, and said something to the effect of, “Yo it’s called scaling.”

She said, “It’s not called scaling! It’s called not doing the work as programmed!”

“THAT’S WHAT SCALING IS, HOOKER,” is something I wanted to but did not say.

Here’s what she didn’t get: He was doing his best. Power snatches were his best. Maybe it didn’t look like his best to her, but that was her problem, not his, and if she wasn't sure, she should've referred to Tip #1.

Here’s another case: When I do box jumps, even on a 17″ box, I land more or less in a full squat and then stand up. I jump real hard, you guys, but as previously documented, I’m quite short, and my ass is very, very heavy.

I remember a coach being like, “No, land like this,” and she sproinged up and landed in a quarter squat. And I was like, that’s adorable that she thinks that’s not what I’m already trying to do. If you want me to land in a quarter squat, fine, bring me a bumper plate, or maybe just a dinner plate, to jump on. (But first, see Tip #1.)

3. Avoid sexism.

Please don’t refer to the women in your classes as ladies. You may have figured this out, but I curse way too much to be considered a lady.

Moreover, don’t say “females.” There are lots of reasons why the term “female” is problematic. Here are six.

Say women.

Just say women.

And don’t qualify certain scaling options in terms of gender, like, “For the chest-to-bar, ladies, you’ll probably want to do banded, or ring rows, or just some Jazzercise.” Chances are, you’re right about my need to scale, but there are women in my gym who regularly burn the shit down.

4. Learn your athletes’ names.

One coach called me by name from the first WOD I did with him. And at the second WOD, he remembered that I was nursing a bum shoulder. That is, he related to me like a person, not just an exerciser.

I know there are probably a lot of athletes at your gym--it’s hard to remember them all. But guess who doesn't have sympathy for you. This middle school teacher.

The differences between CrossFit gyms and Planet Fitness don’t end with pizza and elliptical machines. One of the main reasons people go to CrossFit is for the community. To feel like they belong somewhere. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. In particular, the coaches.

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That's it! Some tips to help you up your coaching game or just be a person other people don't hate. If you already do these things regularly, congratulations, you win the Raddest Coach of All Time award. Your trophy is a kettlebell. Go pick one out from the rack and take it home. I already cleared it with your gym's owner. Seriously, it's cool. Just take it.

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