So, I have to lose a bunch of weight for health reasons and I'm super conflicted about it.
I'm finally comfortable with being the size I am and it's taken years to just love me and not give a shit what the media says I should look like. I feel like, if I lose weight, it'll be sending out the message that I wasn't comfortable and I really do not want to have conversations with people about how I should feel better about myself as a newly smaller person. Because when ever I lose weight, everyone assumes I'm doing it too become more attractive. Because apparently that's my job as a human being, to be the most attractive I can.
I'm fucking tired of people around me saying, "But you're not that fat!" Like there is a level of fat that a person can get to that people start thinking it's ok to dehumanize them. That people, strangers, should start telling them what they should be doing with their bodies. Yeah, great, I'm not so fat that you still have to be nice to me and let me live how I want. That's bull shit.
I'm not going to live how I want to anymore. I'm not going to eat the things I love, except in moderation which is basically like only have sex on holidays. I'm going to have to exercise when I'd rather be writing or doing something creative. On top of working at an unsatisfying job full time, I'm going to be wasting more of my life just trying to stay alive instead of living.
So, I'm angry. I'm angry that I can't take care of my health without people making me feel like I did it for some sort of social approval. I'm angry that there are people who suffer more with their weight than I and other people who think they should feel like shit for their weight. And I'm angry that my life is becoming even less mine.
