I’m Sorry
Hey y’all~!! So I got the idea for this when I read that one Binnie article when he talked about Myungjun having girlfriends in the past and why he broke up with them and stuff, and thus the fic was created. I hope you like it and y’all should tell me in my inbox if I should write out the backstory for this or not OR send me your own writing ideas if you think i can do them any justice. i’m not the greatest writer but i try. here it is and y’all should give me your thoughts on it when you’re done reading if you can get to the end of this
here it is~~
“Morning babe,” I mumble as I rub the sleep from my eyes. Smiling, I turn around to see my boyfriend’s sleeping face but am met with an unfamiliar view of the wall. Confused, I sit up reaching my arms to the sky to stretch my sleep heavy limbs, wondering where Myungjun was.
Deciding to get up and look for him, I push the covers to the empty side of the bed and shiver from having left it’s warmth. Looking for something to wear, I spot the sweater Myungjun was wearing yesterday lying on the floor. I pick it up and slip it on, inhaling the familiar scent of lavender detergent and cologne.
Content with my find, I walk out of the bedroom and make my way towards the bathroom, wondering if he had just woken up earlier than I had this morning. I open the door only to find it empty. Becoming slightly more worried, I brush it off as Myungjun probably having an early day at work. I began brushing my teeth, wondering where Myungjun was. It’s weird for him to be up early in the morning in general, but he always wakes me up to tell me he’s leaving if he has an early morning job.
Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s also weird for him to leave his stuff on the floor. He’s not a neat freak, but also hates it when I leave my (and his) clothes on the floor, so finding his sweater just lying on the ground is a little weird too.
Feeling slightly more anxious- but only slightly because there’s probably no need to worry - I walk out of the bathroom back to the bedroom to get my phone. I dig through the millions of pillows that he suggest having on the bed for a few minutes before finding it. I unlock it, silently praying for a message or something to let me know where he is or that he’s okay. They must have not been heard because there was nothing. Not a text, not a phone call, nothing.
My heart was starting to beat a little faster. I dial his number, hoping that Myungjun will pick up and tell me that I was just being a worry wort.
He didn’t pick up.
Slipping my phone into the pockets of the sweater, I close my eyes, telling my heart that it was freaking out for no reason. There is nothing wrong. He probably just went for a walk and thought he’d be back before I woke up.
Standing in the room for a few minutes, I keep telling myself that he’ll be home soon. I keep telling myself that nothing’s wrong and that Myungjun will be home soon.
After I’ve said that enough times, my heart starts to calm down. I could hear it pounding in my ears and I knew that I needed to move. Making my to the kitchen, I head for the fridge to grab look for something to eat when I see an envelope on the table.
A wave of relief floods my body when I see the familiar handwriting. I lift it off the table when something feels off about the whole thing. Why would Myungjun put his letter in an envelope? If he just wanted to let me know he had gone for a walk, why go through all the trouble of finding an envelope to put such a simple note in?
And the contents inside seemed to be more than just a single page. Unsure of what to make of the situation, I sit down at the table and open the letter slowly, cautiously tearing the flap as if I’m expecting something to come out of it and surprise me.
Nothing of the sort happens, and when I make rip off the last bit, I pull out multiple pieces of paper, covered in writing. Unfolding them, I scan all of them and note that there are a couple letters in here, all written on different dates.
~~~~
17 May 2016
Hey
I come home every night wondering why you’re still with me. I’m never there to say goodnight to you or talk about how your day went and when I am I’m too tired to really be there for you.
I’m sorry you have such a shitty boyfriend. You deserve better and I’m sorry that I love you too much to let you leave my life.
~~~~
I just sit there, looking at the unfamiliar words written in familiar handwriting. I have never heard Myungjun say anything like this. He hasn’t ever mentioned feeling like this to me.I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading
Mouth hanging open, I look for the next letter, hoping it would clear something up.
~~~~
24 July 2016
Hey
I’m so sorry I missed our anniversary. I did everything I could to rework my schedule so that I could be there with you, but I failed you.
I would have given anything to be there with you. I’m so sorry you ended up with a boyfriend like me. You should be with someone who’s gonna be there for you when you need them. That’s not me.
I’m so sorry.
~~~~
This letter had water spots on it, smearing the blue ink in some places. My heart hurt seeing them. I knew they were tears. I knew that Myungjun had cried writing this letter and that hurt me. I had told him that he shouldn’t feel guilty about missing our anniversary, and I knew that a small bit of him would feel guilty, but this was worse than what I imagined. Pulling out the next letter in the stack, I try and swallow the lump forming in my throat and keep reading.
~~~~
4 October 2016
You’re so distant these days. Are you finally getting tired of me? I knew that this would happen eventually, but I kept hoping that it never would. My love for you keeps growing every second I’m alive and with you, but the thought that you might not love me hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced.
I’m sorry I’m not the boyfriend you wanted. I just want you to be happy, but I keep getting the feeling that you’d be happier without me.
Please don’t let that be true.
~~~~
I’m crying as I read this letter. Around this time, Myungjun seemed so sad and out of it, I thought it was better for me to give him his space. Whenever I had gone up to ask him if he was okay, he’d start acting like nothing was the matter, putting on a smile and acting like he did when he was on camera, and I read that as him wanting to deal with this on his own. I kept telling him that I was there for him if he needed to talk, but he never did say anything.
I wish he had felt like he could have told me all this instead of keeping it to himself.
~~~~
31 December 2016
It’s almost the new year and I’m not there with you. Are you thinking about me? Do you wish I was there with you? I wish I was there with you. I wish I could hold you in my arms and whisper “Happy New Year. I love you” to you the second it turned midnight. I wish I could see your smiling face one more time before the year comes to an end.
Do you wanna see my face? Do you miss me? Are you thinking the same thoughts I am right now? Do you wish you were with me at the beginning of the new year?
Will your heart still be mine in this new year… will you want to be with me another year… do you still love me… did you ever love me…?
Please don’t answer that. I’m too afraid to hear the answer.
I don’t want to hear the words I know will leave your mouth if you were to answer. I wouldn’t be able to hear that.
I’m afraid.
~~~~
“I love you,” I whisper. “I love you, I have always loved you, and I always will love you. No matter what happens, you’re the only one I’m ever going to love.” The more I read, the more I can feel my heart breaking. People always talk about having their heart broken, and we had gotten into fights before where I felt like the world was ending, but this is an entirely new sensation.
I hate it. I hate knowing that Myungjun thought that I didn’t love him just as much as he loved me. I hate thinking about how he must have felt. I hate knowing that I didn’t reassure and give him enough love.
I can feel the tears start welling up in my eyes and before I can try and stop them, they start rolling down my cheeks. I don’t have the energy to wipe them away. My whole body feels heavy. My heart feels like if full of lead and I hate it.
With one letter left, I close my eyes, trying to prepare myself for what could really be the worst thing to ever happen to me. When I look at the date, I want to stop right then and there.
This letter was written today
~~~~
29 May 2017
If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably read all the other letters too…
I’m sorry. I wish I could have been a better boyfriend to you. I loved you and I always will, but you deserve better. I can’t tell this to your face because I know you’ll say that you still love me, but I know that you’d be happier with someone else.
I’m sorry.
I love you. I always will.
You need this, which is the only reason I’m leaving you. If it means you’ll be happy, I’d do anything, even if it meant the end of my world.
I hope you find someone who will really make you happy.
~~~~
“You made me happy,” I whisper to the letter as tears roll down my cheeks and onto the final letter, causing the ink to smudge. “You made me happy!” I yell in frustration, throwing the letter away from me, holding my head in my hands and letting the sobs I had been holding back escape my throat. I can’t hold them back anymore. I sit there for what seems like an eternity and a few moments at the same time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I don’t know how much time passes before I stop crying more because I don’t have any tears left than anything else. I look at the now tear-soaked letters, the ink having smudged so much that I can barely read them. I don’t want to read them again.
They represented everything that I had done wrong in our relationship. I wish I could go back and correct everything that I had led to Myungjun feeling like this. I wish I could talk to him one more time and tell him that I loved him so much and that if he left, his world wouldn’t be the only one that ended.
I want to call him or call his work or just find him and tell him anything and everything that would reassure him that he really is the only one for me. I really want to just pour my heart out to him one more time, hoping that it’ll show him that I love him and that I’m not getting tired of of and that I could never get tired of him.
But this is what Myungjun wants. I he really wants to do this, then I am going to respect his wishes because I love him. I stand up, feeling a little light headed from the sudden movement, I slowly make my way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, my eyes are red and there are dried tear streaks on my cheeks.
Turning the faucet on full blast, I splash the cold water on my face, trying to wake myself up. After a few rubs, I hold my face in my hands, biting my lip as tears start to form, threatening to spill over again.
Washing my face one more time, I walk out of the bathroom to my bedroom and changed out of my clothes. Taking Myungjun’s sweater off slowly and carefully, laying it out on the bed, I put on some going out clothes. I pulled on a pair of black jeans and an oversized gray-white sweater, and slipped on some gray sneakers that Myungjun had bought me a few weeks ago.
Slapping on some basic makeup and sliding on the glasses that I thought made me look like a dork but Myungjun, for some reason, said made me look cute so that my red eyes were less noticeable, and I leave the apartment.
I walk by the kitchen on my way out and look at the letters. Grabbing them off the table, I put them back in the envelope and slide them in the back pocket of my jeans. I don’t know why I do that, but I didn’t want to leave without them. They were the last thing I had of Myungjun, and even if I want to cry again whenever I think about them it feels wrong to leave without them
I open the door to the outside and am blasted with a rush of the cold air. Taking it in, I close the door behind me and walk wherever my feet carry me. I don’t pay attention to much that’s happening around me. I only ever look up when I need to cross a street or to mumble an apology if I’ve bumped into someone.
My phone starts ringing and snaps me out my daze. Pulling it out of my back pocket, I shuffle over to the side of the sidewalk and see that Moon Bin’s calling me. Answering before thinking, I put the phone next to my ear and walk into the store behind me. It wasn’t until the smell of coffee and baked goods hit me that I realized I had walked into a café. Making my way to the back of the store and sitting down as a table for two, I say, “Hello?”
“Hey, where are you?” Moon Bin asked. His voice sounded slightly out of breath like he was jogging or something, but I could hear the smile on his face.
“Why?” I respond, not wanting to give away too much.
“I was just at your place, and no one was there.” I can hear the slightest bit of concern in his voice which didn’t help me feel any less guilty about everything that’s happened since I woke up this morning.
“Myungjun had an early day and I decided to go for a walk.” A waitress came up to me, placed a glass of water on the table, and handed me a menu, silently excusing herself, whispering that when I was ready to just call her over. Nodding my head, I mouth “Thank you” to her and open it. “Why, did you want something?”
“But I just saw Myungjun at the park on my way to your place,” Moon Bin said, sounding puzzled. “Are you sure he…”
My heart drops to my stomach the moment I hear those words. “But I just saw Myungjun at the park.” Putting the menu down, I lift the cup to my lips and drink some of the water, hoping that the feeling of hurling all over the table would subside.
It didn’t. I feel even worse.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Moon Bin’s voice is what grounds me enough to swallow the feeling and respond. “Y- yeah, just got a little dizzy. You said Myungjun was at the park?”
“Yeah! I asked him where you were, and he said you were home. Where are you anyway?”
I sit back in my chair. “I’m in a café. I walked into some random place when I saw you were calling me.” Fiddling with the half empty glass of water, I stand up and pick up the menu, returning it to the waitress, flashing her the most apologetic smile I could muster right now.
Walking out of the café, I look around the sidewalk trying to spot Moon Bin. “Where are you, I’m outside now.” I turn my back, trying to spot him in the direction that I came from, but someone’s blocking my view. I sidestep them, but they move with me, and I’m face-to-face with someone’s white shirt. Pulling the phone away from my ear, I look up to confront the person when I see the box smile and cute nose that belong to this person.
“Moon Bin.” I take a step back and end the call. It’s a relief seeing his face.I’ve been in unfamiliar territory all day, seeing something - or in this case someone - that I knew and felt comfortable with.
“Hey, are you oka-” Before he can finish his sentence and without much thought, I give him a hug, squeezing a little harder normal. We stand there for a second before he wraps his arms around me.
Moon Bin lowers his head so that it’s resting on top of mine. “Are you okay?” he mumbles into my hair. I nod my head in response, burying my face in his shirt. We stand there, hugging, for a while as I gather my bearings being an unknowing pillar of support for me.
“Hey, Bin. have you seen…” We pull away from each other just enough to see Myungjun standing in front of us, mouth open slightly, eyes red, his face a little puffy.
“My - Myungjun,” I stutter out, my heart skipping more than a few beats. The world around me seems to fade as I look into his eyes and all I see are tears start to form and his heart breaking. I want to explain why I’m hugging Moon Bin to him, but before I can say anything Myungjun turns to face Moon Bin and flashes him his signature smile.
“Hey Bin? Could you give us a moment please?” he asks nonchalantly, but I can hear the quiver in his voice, and I’m sure Moon Bin can too.
“Yeah, sure,” he responds, letting go of me. I break eye contact with Myungjun and look at Moon Bin, and I see the confused look on his face. Looking back at me, he says, “See you later?”
“Yeah. Sure.” I give him a small smile, trying my hardest not to break down. Waving at him as he walks away, I turn back to Myungjun, but he’s also walking away from me.
“Myungjun. Myungjun, wait!” I chase after him until I’m walking next to him, unsure of what to do or say.
So we do and say nothing; neither of us say a word or tries to get away from the other. We walk alongside each other for a few minutes, me following Myungjun’s lead, until we end up in a park. We walk until we find the jungle gym. I stop walking next to him once we get to the woodchips, but he doesn’t until he sits on one of the swings.
We don’t look at each other. I stand there, looking down at the floor, wondering where to start or what I can say that won’t make me cry the moment I open my mouth.
“Did you read the letters?” Snapping me out of my thoughts, I look up at Myungjun. His eyes are still trained on the ground.
Remembering that I had them with me, I pull them out and hold them out to him. “You mean these ones?”
Finally looking up, I see him grimace once he sees the envelope. Looking away again, he responds, “Yeah. Those ones.”
Making my way to him, I sit down one swing away from him and start talking. “I read them this morning. I woke up and this was the first thing I did. I went searching for you, but I found these instead.” Laughing to myself I continue. “I cried while reading, so the ink is smeared on some of them.”
I offer him the envelope over the swing in between us, When he doesn’t take it, I say, “Hey, I know that things are kinda shitty right now, but my arm’s getting tired so could you maybe…?” I shake the envelope a little, and he takes it from me. He doesn’t open it, but he doesn’t say anything either.
Leaning back and looking up at the sky, I ask the questions that have been bugging me ever since I read that first letter. “Did I do something wrong, Myungjun? Did I say something or-”
“Stop.” Slowly sitting up, I look over to see Myungjun clutching the envelope in his hand. He’s clenching his fist hard enough where it looks like his veins are about to pop from the exertion. I reorient myself so that I’m facing him, but he’s still looking at the floor. “Just… stop okay? You didn’t do anything.” His voice is quivering again, and it hurts.
“But then why would you write those letters if i didn’t do anything?” I start, getting more frustrated the longer I talked. “Myungjun, I don’t know what I did, but I’m so-”
“Stop!” He stands up, pacing the length of the swing set, letting the envelope fall to the ground. “You didn’t do anything. None of this is your fault, okay?” He stops and looks at me for the first time since we started talking and says, “It’s mine.”
“No, it’s not, and I don’t want you believing that.” I stand up and take a step towards him, but he flinches, and I can feel my heart cracking again. “It’s not your fault.”
“Didn’t you read my letters? How can you say that it’s not my fault when-”
“Then we’re either both at fault or no one’s at fault! Choose one because I won’t let you- “ My voice cracks, and I stop. I take a deep breath and try tocalm down. “I won’t let you take on all the blame when we’re both at fault.”
At this point, everyone who had been around us had left, and it’s just the two of us. I fix my gaze on Myungjun, daring him to say something else. His mouth is hanging open and his eyes dart all over the place, thinking about what to say.
“I don’t have a response…” The way he’s standing makes him look like a deflated balloon. His arms are limp by his side and his head is hanging low; he looks like the shell of the happy, caring, optimistic person I had fallen for when we first met.
Unsure of how I feel about his answer, I sit back down and look at the sky again. We stay like that for a while, and i kept trying to think of what’’s going to happen next.
“Do you know why I love coming to this park so much?” Myungjun asks, sitting in the swing next to me.
I angle myself so that I’m facing him again, “no.”
Sighing, he lets his head fall, but I see the smallest smile on his lips and for a moment, I think everything is gonna be okay. For a brief moment, I believe that we’re gonna be okay.
“This is where I first saw you.” The sentence shocked me, but I keep silently listening, wanting to hear more. “You were sitting on the very same swing that you’re on right now, and you had headphones on, listening to something, and you looked so at peace with everything.” Lifting his head, Myungjun looks into my eyes, and I can see the sadness in them, but also the happiness of the memory.
“There were kids all around you, riding their bikes or playing tag, but you? You were just sitting there, smiling like the universe had just told you the funniest joke. You were beautiful, and - at the time - I didn’t know that I had given you my heart.”
Tears were running down his cheeks, and I could feel the crack in my heart growing bigger. “You’re still beautiful,” he continues. “You’re more beautiful now, and I feel exactly the same way I did then right now.”
“And you don’t think I feel the same way about you?” I move to wipe the tears from his cheeks, but stop myself, remembering how he flinched when I took a step towards him. Looking down at my lap, I say just barely over a whisper, “You’ve never told me that story before.”
“I didn’t want to seem like I depended on you too much.” I hear him chuckle. “Guess that plan backfired, huh.”
“Don’t you think I need you as much, if not more, than you need me?” I say bluntly. I look up and meet his eyes. “Myungjun, when I read those letters this morning, it was like my entire world crashed down on me. I don’t know how to even begin to tell you how I felt reading what you had written and knowing that you had felt like that for so long?” My voice cracks again. I can feel the lump in my throat starting to form again. I close my eyes, take a shaky deep breath and try keeping my voice as level as I can for the next part.
“I felt like I had failed you. I did fail yo- I swear to God if you interrupt me, I will personally kick your ass, Kim Myungjun,” I say when I see him open his mouth. “I failed you because I didn’t show you how much you mean to me. I didn’t give you the love you deserve, and because of that, you felt unloved by me, the one person who would give up anything for you.”
Going against my better judgement, I reach out and hold his hands in mine as I say the last part. “I have loved you since the first time I heard your laugh - didn’t even see who it belonged to, but I knew back then that I loved whoever that laugh belonged to. That’s still true today. In fact, it’s more true today than it was back then. You know why?”
Myungjun shakes his head.
“Because you complete me. You are the only person I can imagine having a future with and when I try and imagine one without you in it, I want to cry. You have held my heart in these very hands,” I raise our intertwined hands, “since that fateful moment I heard your laugh. I have never loved someone the way I love you, and I never will. So please, please don’t leave me.”
I can feel the tears wanting to spill over and run down my cheeks, but I don’t let them. I want him to understand what I’m saying, but I can see it in his eyes; he doesn’t believe me.
He detangles our hands and stands up. Facing away from me, he sighs. “Then what was it that I saw you doing with Bin outside that café then, huh?” Myungjun turns around to face me, a sad smile on his face. “What am I supposed to think after having seen that?”
“That was just a hug, Myungjun.” I make my way over to him so that I’m standing in front of him. “I was sad and distraught - I still am - and Moon Bin was just there, so I gave him a hug.” I look down at my feet, realizing how this must sound to him. “My world was falling apart, and he was the most familiar part of it that was still intact. But that’s it. That’s all it was, okay?”
A hand touches my chin and raises my head so that I’m looking into Myungjun’s eyes again. He drops his hand and takes a step back. “Even if that might be true…” he starts out, and I can already feel the tears building up again. “Even if that is true, I still can’t let you be with me. You deserve better.” He smiles at me, and when I see that, I forget about holding back everything I’m feeling.
“How can you say that after everything I’ve told you? How-” My voice cracks again, and I take a moment to recollect my thoughts. “How can you not see how much you me after everything we’ve been through…?” I take a step towards him, but he takes one backwards, and I can feel the crack growing again.
“I wasn’t there for you when you needed it. I’m not there for you now, and I know that’s rough for you.” He looks and sounds so genuine while saying this that it hurt on a different level.
“Stop,” I whisper. “Stop talking nonsense and listen to me please.” I don’t know what I can say that can make him understand how I feel, but I know that if I listen to him ramble off another reason as to why he isn’t deserving of me, I’m gonna scream.
“You know the two questions you asked me in one letter? ‘Do you still love me, did you ever love me?’” Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I finish my half baked thought, “the answers that you don’t want to hear? They’re I love you.” The shocked look on his face stops my tears, and I continue talking. “I have always loved you, and I wish I had made that more clear.”
Taking a step towards him, Myungjun doesn’t take one backwards, and I feel hopeful for a split second. “I know your work makes you busy and takes you all over, okay? I know that I won’t be able to see you when I want to all the time because you’re busy, and that’s okay.” I raise my hand to wipe the newly formed tears off his cheeks. He leans his head against mine and a real smile forms on his lips for the first time “I know that you hate that fact, but I’m okay with it, and you know why?”
“Because I love you, and I know you love me and that you’ll always come back to me in the end.” I lower my hand to my side and clasp them behind my back. “Kim Myungjun, you make me a better person, a more complete person. You’re the reason I wake up in the morning knowing that whatever happens, things will be okay because you’re there with me.” Tears continue to run down his face, but I know that this time, they’re tears of happiness and utter shock. “I can’t imagine what I would do if you weren’t here with me so plea-”
I’m cut off when Myungjun gives me a hug and starts sobbing into my shoulder. I hug him back, not bothering to finish my sentence. I have a good idea about what his response is gonna be.
We stand there for a few minutes until Myungjun’s is only sniffling. He wipes his face with his hands and ends up covering his face, laughing. It’s been a long time since I heard him laugh so genuinely, and I can’t help but smile.
Reaching up to his face, I remove his hands and intertwine them once more. “Once we get home, we really need to talk okay? About everything,” I say as I pull his arms in the direction of our apartment.
He nods his head and lets me drag him back home. Every once in awhile, I look back at his smiling face and think, We’ll work things out. I know we will.
We make it back to the apartment, and when I unlock the door, I walk in, but Myungjun stands outside it for a second. Watching what he’s gonna do next, we stand there for a few seconds before he takes a step in and smiles again.
As he walks towards our room, I head to the kitchen to finally get some food (and water) for the both of us when I hear an exasperated, “How many times have I told you to not leave my clothes out?” come from down the hallway. I laugh at the normalcy of the phrase and leave the kitchen.
Walking into the bedroom, I stand next to Myungjun and place a kiss on his cheek. “I won’t do it again, I promise.” I flash him a small, innocent smile and I think again, We’ll figure it out.
He hangs his head in defeat, smiling and says words I hadn’t realized I missed hearing so much.
“I love you.”