Compromise. Im not going to actually WRITE meta but i AM going to lay out a list of things I'm thinking about broadly and thematically and would probably write meta about if i were properly caught up and informed, but is instead influenced much more by early campaign F.C.G:
**edit: no this is kind of meta again. sorry.
- F.C.G grappling with the questions of: being made. purpose. whether it matters if you find your own purpose if you were made with one in mind and you "choose" something else. Can you actually? Does it matter? Is your choice a choice at all?
- Wanting so badly to heal people and help people and the unique fear of waking up and seeing damage done by your own hands. To the same people you wanted so badly to help. You extend healing and you offer comfort or kind words but all the while, in your core is a tightness. In your core is a danger. How much good do you need to do to get the blood off your chassis? Can you, at all?
- Metal body. Metal hands. A little wheel. You were a turtle once and it felt so wondrous to breathe. You try out tongues or little wooden legs or whatnot but it always comes back to an inorganic metal body and empty insides no matter if youre filling them with liquids or secret goods to smuggle or pastries (faux warmth). Maybe everything like wooden legs dangling off a metal body. All for show.
- A coin in hand. Looking for a higher power. Thinking about choice. Deferring choices.
- You love your friends, so much. You love people being kind to each other. You love your boyfriend and their wonderful way of thinking. You love being alive. Even when you doubted you were at all. You love, truly and deeply.
- Ashton raging at F.C.G for being a martyr. For aching for a good enough reason to get himself hurt or killed or blown up. Ashton looking at F.C.G knowing they're all messed up inside and trying so hard to stop them from letting it destroy them.
- Ashton always worried about how they're always trying to find a big enough cause, a good enough reason.
And so with those things, I remembered about F.C.G:
- F.C.G looking at their friends all down. Ashton laid out unmoving.
- F.C.G with something awful in their core. Ready to spill out. The same something awful they were always worried about. They were always aware of.
- F.C.G always looking for that reason. For that bigger and better cause.
- F.C.G always feeling like they didn't understand purpose, like it was so. unattainable- finally, briefly, startlingly- sure. Finally free of doubt. Their friends down and something awful and destructive in their core and one last thing they can do to maybe make things worth it, and the ability to choose it. They were made for something. They chose what to do with it.
- F.C.G finding that reason. F.C.G making that call. F.C.G thinking it was worth it.
- I think because of him, they succeeded. They won. That is certain.
- I think. "Worth it". Is always a subjective thing.
- I think. A self sacrifice is never just one person giving everything up. A self sacrifice, unfortunately- is one person making a choice.
Post CR3 Episode 36 Thoughts: FCG and the Price of a Soul
There is something profound at the fact FCG'S soul is more amorphous and ethereal compared to the others and light is dimer but isn't any less real or important. They're soul is new, not in age but in maturity FCG is still figuring himself out, yet to truly define who he is, what's their purpose is.
Will this change how they go into battle? Will he think twice before taking damage for one of his friends? They have a soul to protect and nourish now, to shape into something that isn't defined by their past. Does the wrongs FCG committed hold more weight now, things that were out of his control, the people they hurt. Do they weigh more heavily on him?
F.C.G coming into his "I'm alive and my life matters" realization with an "Oh no, I'm alive and my life matters" is such a fantastic way for the realization to settle. What a mood. That's the deal, pal! You're alive and your life matters and it kind of sucks sometimes and its on you to make it count <3 <3 good luck <3 :D
Every time we learn more about F.C.G they get more unsettling and concerning, exactly how I was hoping it would be. Horses don't have souls cause they can't talk. Flat Exandria. Diving into people's brains to "check on them". It's terrible. Riveting.
F.C.G taking the loss of connection to his god as an indicator that it is time to take responsibility for their own actions- and that means proving yourself, doing things they would be proud of- overcoming a trial as a show of faith. The guiding force is gone, and that means F.C.G falls even further back into purpose, and symbolism, his life as a tool for someone else, something else. Taking charge of his own life, looks lile being ready to throw it down as a gesture to a god that can't hear him anymore, one last heroic stand. (But not just his life, now- everyone else's too.)
"This is bravery." and the taut silence from everyone else, because- is it, F.C.G? Is it?
When you are made. it feels different from just being.
When you are made, and you feel someone else's fingerprints scattered over everything you do, and choices you make.
and then- choices you don't make. moments where this body, which is not yours, is it? betray you. where you were made and what you are is a curse. a danger.
what do you do? what do you do.
you were made, and you know- you know it was not for good. You know there was an intent there- for harm, for revenge, for hurt.
You were made. And you can parade around, you can make fun voices and tell stories and provide nice words and help but none of that takes away the evil that is rooted in you. Growing in you.
None of that undoes the danger you can pose. None of it undoes the hard wiring, the puppeteer holding your strings.
You were made. Is is just foolish optimism, to think you- just you- can make anything more out of that?
As someone who's religious myself, watching FCG this past episode was so weird for me. "I'm going to ask the Changebringer something about herself!" No, sweetie, you're just flipping a coin. He has no idea what he's doing, it's funny and slightly stressful.
I'm not religious so I probably can't speak to that aspect of your experience, but I do find F.C.G's entire handling of the Changebringer/coin to be equal parts hilarious and like. "Uh oh.". There was a good post by @cattycaleb about F.C.G using the Changebringer- and by proxy, the coin- as a replacement for Dancer's directives, and them grasping for a strong and clear "purpose", which I think phrases it well.
F.C.G spent so much time following other peoples directives and fufilling the purposes of others over their own. They've stated, verbally, multiple times, that they don't like the idea of being responsible for their own decisions, for their own happiness, for finding their purpose, that its scary. (Because- it is!)
Responsible I think is also a good word for it, because watching F.C.G flip a coin and claim the Changebringers influence whenever they're unsure crystallizes as- trying to dodge the responsibility. Of being alive, of having purpose, of making hard calls, of making the wrong calls, of making any calls of consequence.
In a way, its not about the Changebringer at all, its about the coin- its about the choice to flip it, the choice to defer to it and point to the outcome as someone (something) else's fault responsibility.
and it makes sense, its where they're at right now. but they can't do it forever.
im sure we're going to get some absolutely HILARIOUS miscommunications and hijinks before then, though.
