where: hideaways
when: friday, november 19th, before the event at kyoto lounge
over the last week, it seemed as thought everything and everybody in coyote point had been thrown into a tailspin. normally, maggie did an expert-level job of ignoring the low points in the goings-on around her, but it hadn’t been as easy lately. losing maribel, someone so sweet and decidedly neutral, had been a punch to the gut that unleashed a domino effect on their town, and trying to find something to distract herself had put maggie in a funk. a couple of days into the week, an annual notification on her phone announced that it was one of her favorite times of the year and maggie’s uncharacteristic sulk started to fade. she had work to do. there was no telling whether more tequila or caffeine went into the planning and execution of her lightbulb moment, but when she brought her milk crate of decorations into hideaways just before an early close, there was no doubt that both had done their fair share of work. it was easy to strong-arm and puppy dog eye some of her coworkers into helping her hang the fairy lights and homemade pennant banner that declared it a ‘happy birthday, fuckface!’ after a few favors were promised and an early out hinted at. james’ birthday had been keeping her afloat in the midst of all the chaos and the least she could do, at least in maggie’s eyes, was create a little more.
maggie’s personal brand of chaos was a lot more lighthearted and celebratory than coyote point’s usual variety and every corner of the bar was a testament to it. tricking james into staying in his office while they set up the party had taken a little thinking on maggie’s part, but it was all worth it for the feeling that accompanied the shouts of ‘surprise!’ that echoed throughout the bar when they opened the door to the office. streamers had been thrown haphazardly around the rafters and the music playing was bright and happy, a far cry from the mood they usually set in the dive. as the singing commenced, a tribute to their boss that happened to sound like happy birthday, maggie emerged through the crowd with a cake littered with candles and icing that spelled out ‘you’re old now, motherfucker!’ in maggie’s messy handwriting. it was bad enough on paper, but after baking and icing the cake herself, calling the lettering messy was a kindness. that didn’t stop the grin on maggie’s face from reaching a thousand watts, the distant expression she’d been wearing around him all week forgotten and replaced by the happiest look she’d worn in months. “happy birthday, boss,” she chimed, a familiar fondness seeping into the words.
Mary + James: Sing: (a drabble of my character singing to yours)
Mary was singing. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, although she only ever did it when she was by herself or with people she was comfortable with. Or when she’d had a few too many giggle waters, but that was rarer. The current situation was the former. Standing at the small stove in her flat, she was stirring at a pot of caldo gallego, half-humming, half-singing.
“But… now… there’s nooooowhere to hide, since you pushed my love asiiiiiiide,” she belted out rather dramatically, doing a spin before returning her attention to her soup. Out of the corner of her eye she saw James, who was lying on the couch waiting for Lily to return home, sit up.
“Mary, can I ask you a question?” he asked, not waiting for her to respond before continuing, “Do you have to sing that song?”
“Yes, James, I do,” Mary replied without looking at her friend, continuing to stir, “And you shouldn’t insult this one. It’s one of Lily’s favorites.”
“I know. Which is why I’m tired of hearing it.”
“So, do you want me to tell her that you hate it when she gets here?” Mary finally turned her gaze towards James, flashing him a playful glare. His lips were pursed, clearly not wanting her to do what she’d threatened.
“I thought so,” she replied with a laugh, beginning to hum once more. James slumped back down on the couch, sighing.
where: Neptune / Wes & Liza’s home at Seabrook Quarter
who: Wes Evans, Liza Evans ( @thelizaxevans ), James Levin
notes: Wes came off paternity leave just days before and has been struggling with postpartum anxiety, he has a panic attack at work and he’s sent home by Liza’s father (and his boss) after talking. Liza comforts Wes and they talk about his past.
TWs: mentions of pregnancy, abuse, anxiety, postpartum anxiety, panic attacks
Wes:
Wes was at one of the tables assigned to him that evening with a tray full of food when his hands started shaking, nearly causing him to drop a whole plate of lobster on a guest. Thankfully he managed to get away from the table before he felt like he couldn’t breathe, though it was coming fast. Wes loosened his tie and nearly tore the tops buttons off his shirt as he opened it around his neck as though it would allow more oxygen into his lungs.
Rushing into the bathroom, he leaned against the sink, his hands trembling and his heart beating painfully in his chest as he was practically panting for air. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a panic attack as intense and he needed it to stop.
He had only just come back to work after his paternity leave and while he’d been struggling with anxiety even more than usual since his son was born, he had hoped it would have subsided by now. Wes gripped the counter to try to steady himself as just as he had, he heard the bathroom door open.
Wes looked in the mirror to see none other than James Levin walking into the bathroom through its reflection.
James:
While the restaurant was of course important to him, James' family trumped everything- and that family now included Wes. He'd known Wes since he was practically in diapers, remembered how fond Agnes had been of the little boy, and it was heartbreaking to know what had become of that little boy, to find out about the horrors he'd endured in Salem. So even though he'd been wary, he felt he owed it not just to Wes but to even his late-wife to look out for the kid. Especially since it was practically fate that had Wes falling in love with his Liza.
James remembered Agnes and Ada joking about their two kids being together, so close in age and practically attached at the hip as children. So even though James was even more wary to have someone like Wes around his daughter, he saw how happy Liza was and he wouldn't get in the way of that.
Even if he wanted to rip Wes' head off when he'd first found out the boy got his daughter pregnant.
But in the years that'd passed, James saw a growth in Wes. Saw him becoming a man before his very eyes. He watched how Wes cleaned up his act, how he stepped up both as a partner and as a father and was trying, bettering himself every single day. James was proud of the man Wes was becoming, proud to consider Wes his son. So he was happy to give Wes the time away from work, happy to work with whatever worked for them as they brought home his new grandson. And when Wes finally told him he was okay to come back to work, James listened and put him back on the schedule (with the promise to Liza that he wouldn't give him crazy hours).
And even without a promise, James also told himself to keep an eye on Wes. So when he saw Wes darting off the floor, he didn't follow right away. It wasn't until a few minutes passed and the table he'd last been had had mentioned their waiter appearing a bit off that James finally decided to intervene.
Heading into the bathroom, James looked around for a second before seeing Wes hunched over a sink,
Wes:
“Fuck.”Wes breathed quietly, James being the last person he wanted to see them. Well, Liza was really the last person he wanted to see him like this but he knew James might tell her just how bad it was. It wasn’t that Wes was keeping his panic attacks from Liza, she was *well aware* of them considering he had them so frequently after Teddy was born. It was embarrassing to be so helpless in front of someone he cared about and someone he wanted to be strong for.
“I’m fine.” He managed as he shook his head and turned his gaze away from his father in law. It was an obvious lie but Wes couldn’t have James Levin talking him through a panic attack in the men’s bathroom at Neptune.
“I just need a sec.” His breaths were still shallow and his heart was beating so frantically he was a little lightheaded. “Just a sec.” Wes repeated, almost like he was trying to convince himself that was all he needed.
James:
James watched him, taking in the way he was gripping the counter, how he looked pale in his reflection... worry shot through him. Maybe he should have insisted Wes spend more time at home with Liza and the baby. Maybe he just wasn't feeling well? A dozen different scenarios fluttered through his head, but he was unsure of the truth. All he did know was that Wes wasn't fine, despite what he may say.
“Okay, well, how about you have that sec in my office." James' tone was gentle, but it also didn't leave room for argument, especially as he took another couple steps closer, resisting the urge to rest his hand on Wes' shoulder. "Come on."
Wes:
Wes wasn’t sure if James knew his history of anxiety or panic attacks and he wasn’t sure if he knew a thing about what his therapist was calling postpartum anxiety in him. Wes swallowed hard and tried to focus on anything other than what he was feeling or on James staring at him, but it was no use. Wes wasn’t going to be calming down any time soon and he didn’t want to be standing in here and causing a scene if someone else came in.
“Fine.” He almost snapped, not meaning to but he was overwhelmed. He didn’t even look at James again, too ashamed of how he was feeling, and he made his way to James’ office
James:
James let out a heavy breath through his nose, taking a step back to give Wes space, "I'd rather you be snappy here and at me than at home." Not that he at all thought Wes got aggressive or loud around Liza and the kids, but still, the little warning was there. He followed Wes out of the bathroom then, glad no one seemed to really pay them any mind and he quickly pulled aside the nearest waitress he could and told her to cover Wes' tables along with her coworker before he headed into his office, closing the door and locking it behind him so no one would barge in on them.
“You need some water?" He asked even as he already went to the little fridge he kept to the side and he grabbed a little bottle out, handing it over to Wes before he moved to sit down, James' desk full of picture frames of Liza and Sterling and his grandchildren.
Wes:
James’ words stung Wes as he was always afraid of being like his father to some degree. He would never hurt them, but he had to remind himself that no father was perfect. He was sure even James had snapped at his wife or kids before and never meant anything by it. Wes thankfully hadn’t really had too much of that issue at home but it was much easier to overwhelm him now.
Wes tried to ignore it and if anything it made him more determined to get through this moment. He wasted no time in sitting in the chair across from the one behind James’ desk and Wes tried to work through the attack like he always did. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on breathing and not the way his heart was hammering or the way he felt like his whole body was trembling.
Wes didnt notice James ask about water until a bottle was being handed to him and he quietly thanked his father in law as he held the bottle in both hands, focusing on the coolness of it just to keep his mind on something else.
A few minutes passed and Wes’ heart rate was finally lowering and his breathing was returning to normal. He looked up and saw the picture of Elise and Liza on the desk and he felt his heart ache a little.
“Im sorry.” His apology was quiet but sincere and he turned to look at James in the eyes. “I’ve, uh… it’s happened before- my panic attacks, I mean.” He shifted in his seat, feeling like he owed James an explanation for his behavior. “It has nothing to do with Liza or our kids, please know that.”
James:
James stayed quiet, leaned back in his chair and waiting, giving Wes the time and the quiet he seemingly needed to get his thoughts in order. Liza did mention in the past that Wes sometimes had trouble sleeping and had nightmares, but she never delved further and he never pushed, figuring it wasn't his business to know.
Finally though, Wes met his eyes and James sat up a bit straighter, immediately shaking his head. "You have nothing to apologize for." He assured him, his voice still softer, like the one he used with the kids to soothe them. "And I didn't think it had to do with them, although that's good to hear anyways since Liz's default is always to say I'm fine." He rolled his eyes as he said it, shaking his head at the thought since his daughter had always carried the weight of the world on her shoulders just to keep the burden off everyone else. "But...is that what that was? A panic attack?" He asked with a little tilt of his head. "Can I ask what you think triggered it? Hopefully not having to serve so many lobster ravioli specials today." It was a light attempt to lighten the mood.
Wes:
Wes felt a pang of guilt being told he didn't have anything to apologize for though he wasn't sure why he felt guilty for it. Maybe it was because he insisted he was good enough to go back to work but he obviously wasn't, which led into deeper guilt with how Liza was ready to go back and she was the one who actually had their baby. Why couldn't he be okay if Liza was?
When asked Wes nodded. Not many had witnessed him have a panic attack before. His sisters, Liza, and now James. He often tried to handle them himself and sometimes they weren't so intense so it was easier to hide them. He shifted in his seat when questioned further and he huffed out a little laugh at James' joke. "That's definitely it." And Wes would have left it at that if he didn't know that Liza didn't easily let things go so he didn't trust that James would either.
"I- I mean… I've always had them. Since…" Since my dad started beating us. "Panic attacks kind of happen at random, it's a bit hard sometimes to figure out an exact trigger." Wes' fingers picked at the label around the water bottle in his hands just to give himself something to do.
"I've, uh… not been doing well. Since Teddy was born. Admitting it was almost scary, like he was afraid James would think he was bad father who didn't want his son. "I've just been really anxious since. I- I can't eat or sleep and I'm constantly thinking about something bad happening to him or I'll be--" Wes swallowed hard because he didn't mean to say so much to his father in law. "I have this dream-- nightmare… that I'm like my father." Whether James fully understood what that meant or not, Wes had no idea. "and it scares the hell out of me every time."
James:
James again went quiet, giving Wes the space and time he needed to get his thoughts and words in order, and when he finally did speak, the man felt himself sink into his chair a bit more. He'd never trusted Laurence from the moment he first met the man, even before kids were involved. But Ada was in love and even Agnes said they should give him a chance, that he clearly made their friend happy. And if Ada trusted him, well, that should be enough for all of them.
In hindsight, James should have decked the guy in the face when they were in their twenties and been done with it.
"I'm sorry you've had to deal with that for….so long in your life." He meant it genuinely too, since he genuinely did love Wes and didn't like to think of the poor kid going through all that. And when Wes continued on and mentioned his son, James just nodded again and sat up straighter before he reached over, grabbing a photo of Liza with the baby, smiling brightly at the camera where she was sat on James' couch, looking so happy and so much like Agnes it made James' heart ache. He turned the photo towards Wes and pushed it over to him. "I hate to tell you this kid, but having nightmares and worrying you're going to screw something up is part of the job." He gave him a little smile then, soft once again, his voice again gentle like trying to calm a spooked animal. "It just shows how much you love your children, and how much you want to do right by them. And you are doing right by them, Wes. Just look at Elise and how happy she is. Smart as hell too, and that comes from Liz and you. You're a good father, and worrying so much just proves that. And let me be really clear about something else" he moved even closer, moving forward in his chair and leaning more on the table. "You are not him. You are not by any means Laurence Evans. He is a sad excuse for a father and as a man and….and I'm sorry I didn't act sooner when it came to him."
James swallowed heavily, letting out a breath as he looked down at his desk and shook his head. "When he moved your family away from here, I wanted to talk sense into your mother. So did Esme, and Agnes. But we couldn't intervene. And..then obviously..I lost Agnes. But still, any time we tried to make contact, we were brushed off, before being closed down altogether. And I regret not doing more. I regret not trying to find a way to get you and your siblings here sooner. I'm sorry I didn't. It's…why I so readily agreed to Esme to give you the job here once you came. I couldn't help you then, but I could now. And I've watched you over these last few years, Wes. I've watched how you've opened up, and matured. Not just because of Liza and the kids, but for yourself too. You're bettering yourself because you deserve it. And because you owe it to yourself. And everything you've done over the last two years proves that you are better than he will ever be. So you are not your father. You never could be. And if you take anything away from this conversation, I hope it's that."
Wes:
Wes tried to sit as still as possible while James spoke to him but the anxiety was still there and it was difficult not to fidget. When James showed his sympathy for what happened Wes felt a little pang inside of himself. He knew James was aware of what happened to them at least to some degree, but I was hard hearing him talk about it.
James was direction his focus on the photo then and when he turned it around he saw his wife’s fade staring back at him, happy and perfect and he hated that there was a part of him that told himself she deserved better. Wes’ thoughts were broken up by James’ words and he looked up to meet his eyes and his stomach twisted painfully, prompting him to slowly wrap one arm around his stomach, not wanting to draw too much attention to it. “So it just never gets easier?” He was tired of that being the answer to so many things he was feelings. “I do love them. More than fucking anything.”
There was something so hard about hearing that james knew his parents and maybe that was simply the fact that sometimes wes wondered why no one rescued them, but he had to think logically about it and there was dealt nothing anyone could have done. Not more than what Esme had done anyway. Wes swallowed hard and absently rubbed his thumb against his side as thought trying to soothe himself.
The kind words and James telling him he was willing to help made Wes’ eyes gloss over but he promised himself he wouldn’t lose it more than he already had in front of his father in law. “Thank you. I means more to me than you know.” Because not only did Wes have a chance at a new life thanks to James and Esme, but he also wouldn’t have met Liza if it wasn’t for that night she was at Neptune’s bar.
“I- i could never hurt them. I look at Lizzie and my Elise and teddy and i love them so much, I couldn’t even fathom doing harm to them so I don’t know why I have those dreams.” The admission made Wes’ stomach twisted painfully and he wished he’d just shut up and stop talking about this but he couldn’t. James made it too easy to talk to him
James:
Wes kept his arm hugged around his stomach as he stroked his side with his thumb to try and soothe himself, though it did nothing but make him want Liza more. It felt childish, in a way, to wish for Liza to be there with him right then, to have her hold him and run her fingers through his hair while she told him it was okay. Wes tried to listen to James instead of focusing so much on wishing he was at home, safe with his wife and babies. He missed all three of them.
I trust you with them. It gripped Wes' heart and made his eyes burn as he heard James Levin, of all people, tell him he trusted him. Wes knew James didn't like him in the beginning and Wes couldn't blame him for it either. Wes was an asshole and got in trouble all the time, he was impulsive and reckless, and if Wes were James he wouldn't want him around his daughter either. Wes was also fairly certain James contemplated murdering him the night he and Liza told him she was pregnant with Elise. "Thank you." Wes' voice was quiet when he spoke. "That means more to me than you know." Wes couldn't imagine trusting anyone with his own daughter so he knew it was a big thing for James to say that.
"Maybe one day then." Wes wasn't hopeful in that. He always had nightmares, and while they were worse when he first moved to Aurora Bay, they were still there. Wes believed they would always be there. "I have no idea what I'm doing. I know what not to do as a father, but… this has been a lot. My life has changed so much in the last two years and I'm scared I'm going to fuck it all up." Wes breathed as he mentally slapped himself for continuing to talk about his feelings.
"Anyway," Wes let out a sigh and pushed himself up from the chair, reluctantly letting his arm fall to his side once more. "I guess I should go back to my tables." No matter how badly he didn't want to. "Sorry for… all this." Wes' hands were still shaking a bit from his panic attack but his heart was no longer trying to burst out of his chest and he could breathe properly, so he figured it was as good as it was going to get.
"And… please don't tell Lizzie about this. Not that I'm going to keep it from her, I just… I don't know her to know now and worry about me all night."
James:
James' gaze flickered down to how Wes was practically holding himself, his heart aching for the kid. "You don't have to thank me-especially not when I'm just saying the truth. You piss me off. Often. But…you're my family now too." Maybe always had been? "And the point is, I trust you. And I care about you. I care about your well being, more than just being my daughter's husband, I care about you." And he hoped that was worth…something. Anything.
"It's okay to not know what you're doing, Wes. You need to give yourself a little grace here. You will make mistakes and screw up. It's a part of fatherhood and a part of life. And you need to accept that, and allow yourself to make mistakes so you can allow yourself to grow. Especially because no one's expecting you to know everything? or to be perfect. Lord knows I'm not expecting it, and I'm sure Liz isn't either. So you just…need to stop being so hard on yourself." He told him gently, frowning all the while. "Allow yourself moments of mistakes and of weakness. Allow yourself to lean on people, on Liza especially. Trust yourself to fuck up and break and trust that it'll be okay anyways because what you have it strong."
And maybe he was just rambling at this point. Maybe he was saying things he wished he'd heard when he was married right out of high school and a parent when he was 21. But either way, he meant it, And he hoped it helped.
"Hey--no." James moved then, shaking his head as he stood up. "I won't say anything to Liz, but you should. And the only place you're going right now is home. And not because you fucked up or anything, but because I care about you and I want you to be okay. So go home, Wes. Go home to your wife and allow yourself to vulnerable like this with her too."
Wes:
Wes was touched by the way James spoke of him, not realizing that was how his father in law felt about him at all. It made him even more grateful that he was a part of the Levins. "James, I-- I told you I could come back, I have tables, I--" If James was anything like Liza, there was no use in arguing. "Are you sure?"
It didn't take too much convincing for Wes to be on his way out of Neptune, keeping his head down as he clocked out and hoping he could be invisible to his co-workers because he knew some would give him hell or claim he gets special treatment through James. Again. With a quick text to let Liza know he was on his way home, he made his way to Seabrook. He tapped a gentle knock on the front door as he opened it, pulling his key out of the lock with his free hand.
"Lizzie, it's me."
James/Liza:
"I'm sure. Go." James gave Wes' shoulder a squeeze before giving him a nudge, nodding for him to head out and go home.
Meanwhile at home, Liza was folding laundry while Teddy slept, Amelia having taken Elise for the afternoon so Liza could take it easy. She was glad for the village they had around them, their family and friends always willing to lend a hand. So she was all too happy to let Amelia take her niece for a few hours, packing her diaper bag full of a change of clothes and snacks and toys and everything her daughter may need. Liza paused when she saw the text though, a little frown pulling on her lips. Wes had been on leave with her until now but had promised he'd been okay to go back to work…
She'd just finished putting the last bit of laundry away and checked on Theo still fast asleep in his bassinet when she heard Wes' voice. Clipping the baby monitor to her waistband, she quickly went to the front door to meet him in the entryway. "Hey baby.." She immediately went to him, concern shining in her gaze. "Everything okay?"
Wes:
Wes felt a twinge of guilt as he saw the worry in Liza, and he wasted no time in reaching for her. Wes’ fingers took hold of the fabric of her shirt and twisted in it as he pulled her close to him. “Yeah.” He breathed, pausing for a moment before shaking his head. He knew he shouldn’t lie. “I mean… now. Everything’s okay now. I, uh… “ Wes swallowed hard and used his free hand to tuck a little strand of Liza’s hair behind her ear. “I had a panic attack at work, but I’m fine now.”
Liza:
After nearly a year of not being able to, Liza always eagerly hugged herself to Wes, pressing up close against him as she wound her arms around him, holding him close to her front. Yeah. Liza knew it was a lie, he wouldn't be here middle of his shift if it had been… But before she could gently press for more, Wes was actually speaking again and she let out a breath, running her hand along his back as she held him, only pulling back just enough so she could look up at him, looking over his face as he spoke.
A panic attack… Liza's shoulders sagged slightly, the frown still on her face as she moved one of her hands forward, stroking her fingers over his face before sliding down, resting her palm against his chest. "You don't have to put on a brave face for me, you know." She told him gently, not looking away from him. "Talk to me? I…--what happened? What triggered it?"
Wes:
Wes loved the feeling of Liza in his arms, pressed close against his chest, and just like he knew he would, he felt himself melt into her with all the tension in his body seemingly evaporating from him. He wanted to keep her just as close so when she pulled away enough to look at him, he kept his arms tight around her waist, still allowing their torsos to press together. "I know." His voice was softened to a whisper and he nodded. "I don't want to either. I, uh… I don't know. Panic attacks, they…they just kind of happen suddenly." He shrugged. It always made it harder for him that panic attacks weren't something that could easily have a pin point of what exactly caused it.
"I was with a table and my hands started shaking and I felt like I couldn't breath, and… and your dad actually followed me to the bathroom and took me into his office."Wes huffed out a small laugh. "I guess I wasn't as ready to go back to work as I thought."
Liza:
Liza kept her arms secure around him, her hand gently stroking back and forth along his back and she watched him closely, giving him the time to think about whatever happened and to speak. She hated when he had panic attacks (and nightmares) because they were things she couldn't save him from. She couldn't stop them from happening or protect him from whatever pain their wrought--but what she could do was hold him after, was soothe the hurt and reassure him that none of it was real. Which is all she wanted to do right now. She wanted to protect him in any way she could.
"I'm sorry that happened." She told him softly, squeezing her arms around him and leaning in to press a kiss near his clavicle before looking up at him again, frowning still. "I'm glad my dad was there though to help….he did help, right?" She would have given her father an earful if he'd been an asshole about it. With a little sigh Liza nudged Wes gently, coaxing him to walk with her so they could move away from the front door. "is…that what maybe helped trigger it? You going back to work?"
Wes:
Wes always hated the way he would sometimes feel sluggish after a nightmare or panic attack, as though it’s taken so much energy out of him he couldn’t properly function for a while. He kept his attention on Liza though, focusing on the gentle touch of her hand and the softness of her voice. “It’s okay.” He whispered softly and closed his eyes as he rested his chin on top of Liza’s head. “He did. He said some very nice things even though he did admit to not liking me when we first met.” Wes huffed out a little laugh, wanting to lighten things.
“I don’t know.” Wes began as he started walking to Liza. “I’ve been so worried about the kids.. about you.. about everything. My therapist says it’s postpartum anxiety but I just thought I would be okay by now.” Wes had told Liza about the postpartum anxiety, and while he knew it didn’t have an expiration date necessarily, he truly thought he would have been okay by now.
“I’m not sure. Life’s been… a lot lately. Teddy was born, we’re trying to figure out this parent-of-two-kids thing, I’m still in school even though it’s summer break, I mean, I’m gonna go back… it’s just a lot. And then the postpartum anxiety, of course. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do to make it better.”
Liza:
"Except it's not." Liza replied back gently. And not that there was a problem with him having them, it's that she felt an ache inside every time he did. She hated to think of him hurting, hated that she couldn't do much, hated that the attacks took Wes to places she couldn't protect him from. "I hate when you're hurting." She added softly, eyes closing for a moment as Wes rested his chin on top of her head and she tightened her arms around him, holding him closer as she hummed. "Good." at least her father was understanding.
"Can you blame him? You were a punk." Liza pulled her head back as she said it, giving him a little smile as she slid her hand along his lower back. "Tried to flirt me away from whatever boyfriend you thought I had that was leaving me waiting for him at a bar."
It was a light, momentary reprieve from the otherwise-serious conversation, but moments later Wes was talking again and Liza's smile faded, slipping into a more somber, serious expression as she listened. "Baby, there's no…timeline to things. Be okay by now? That's not….realistic." She kept her hand on his back while her other moved to his face, gently stroking his cheek. "Healing isn't linear. And that's okay. It's okay to not be okay. All I ask is that you be honest with me when you're not--like now." She knew it was a lot for Wes to be so forthcoming with his emotions, so she was really proud of him for it now. He'd grown a lot since that boy flirting with her at the bar.
"It is a lot. But…you're not facing it alone. We're not alone..and we don't have to figure it all out at one shot…" As she spoke, Liza coaxed him more away from the door and inside the house, heading to the stairs. "Teddy is sleeping and Amelia has Ellie for the afternoon." She added softly as she lead them to their room, not wanting him to worry about anything. "We can't figure it out to make everything better, but…we can start small? The kids are okay. I am okay. School is still weeks away….what can I do for you right now?" As she asked it, she turned to face him once more, hands coming up to cup his face. "Tell me what can help in this second."
Wes:
Wes held Liza there for a moment and let himself get lost in her. The smell of her hair, the touch of her hand on his back, the even breaths she took against his chest. It was all so comforting to him and he wished he could hold her forever. It was when she spoke again that wes actually laughed and even rolled his eyes, teasing, “you get one fine for tagging some random brick wall in town and you’re suddenly a punk.” Wes knew James had plenty of reasons to dislike him and want him no where near his daughter. In fact, if someone like him were to try to be with Elise, Wes would probably have a conniption. “Have I eve left you waiting though?” Wes grinned and let out another soft laugh but he kept Liza close.
“I know. I’m glad I’m not alone and I have you and so many amazing people in my life. I just went to focus more on you and your needs. I mean, you’re the one who physically had him and I know it’s not easy on your body or mind.” Wes wished he could do more than he already was for Liza.
“You can just be here. Hold me for a while. That’s what always helps.. just having you with me and around me.”
Liza:
"And I love you for wanting to focus on me. I love that I'm your priority, but you are mine. And right now I am asking that we take care of you. Okay?" She asked softly, bringing his hand up to her lips so she could kiss the back of his hand before she moved it, resting his palm against her cheek with one hand and then moving her other over it as well, holding his hand against her. "I'm okay." She told him again, turning her head to press a kiss to the edge of his wrist. "And it's because of you."
Liza held his hand for a moment more before she finally let go and moved her hands to the buttons at the top of his shirt. "Take your shoes off." She instructed gently as she undid each button one by one of his shirt and then pulling it off, letting it billow to the floor before she moved her hands to his belt as well, everything slow and easy and intimate even if it wasn't done sexually. "Let's get you into some pajamas then. And I'll hold you for as long as you need. And later I'll make you some tea while I make Teddy's bottle? Let me take care of you."
Wes:
Wes leaned into Liza’s touch and kept her close to him as their bodies pressed together in a way that hadn’t been possible for nine months. It was good to be able to hold her again.
But just as wes had gotten comfortable with her holding him, she was moving and suddenly unbuttoning his shirt. The touch of her knuckles brushing against his bare chest made his breath hitch in his throat, but he moved apart enough so her hands could move between them as she continued to unbutton his shirt. The cool air touched his skin and he suppressed a shiver as he felt the rest of his shirt come off. Wes’ eyes were watching Liza’s fingers closely as he undid his belt and removed it as well. “I can change myself.” His voice was a whisper. He wasn’t objecting Liza helping, he simply felt guilty. He felt guilty for having to be taken care of when Liza was the one who physically had their son, he felt guilty for wasting James’ time, and he felt guilty for not being able to work. “You don’t have to do all of that for me.” But he obeyed and toed off his shoes as he kept his eyes on her and what she was doing
Liza:
"I know you can." Liza replied simply, leaving the belt in the loops and moving to pull those off as well. While in another situation this could easily turn sexual, everything Liza was doing right now was slow and precise, just…wanting to take care of him. "But I want to." She told him, even leaning down to help him move his legs out of his pants, moving away for just a second to grab the first pair of sweats she could and then coming back to him a moment later, crouching down so she could help him pull the sweatpants on.
Once done and stood up straight, Liza ran her hands along his stomach and up his bare chest and to his shoulders, cupping her hands along the sides of his neck for a moment before finally down his arms, grabbing his hands in both of hers and giving a gentle tug. "Tell me what's going on in your head?" Liza's voice was soft, quiet, and as she asked it she walked backwards to their bed, holding his hands as she lead him towards it, and once close enough she only looked away long enough so she could climb into bed before she pulled him with her, wanting him to settle on top of her so she could hold him.
Wes:
Wes was stubborn and always had been, not wanting anyone to feel like they had to take care of him because always worried he www a burden. With Liza he didn’t feel that way. Sometimes he felt guilty for not giving her the same attention instead, especially with a newborn in the house, but she never made him feel weak or helpless. She made him feel loved and cared for, like they were a team, because he would do the same thing for her in she was the one having a bad day. Even without, he’d still do it for her just because he loved her more than anything.
Wes’ breath hitched at Liza’s hands on his stomach and chest, and as they traveled to his neck he leaned down to rest his forehead against hers with eyes closed. “Okay.” He agreed softly as he let her lead him to the bed.
Liza laid down first, and with her arms opens for him, he moved to lay down with her. He was half on top of her, not wanting to squish her, as he brought his hands to her side, taking hold of the hem of her shirt and pulling it up to her chest so they could be skin to skin. His bare stomach and arms against hers as he laid his head on her chest. Liza was his safe space and the exact thing he needed in that moment. With eyes closed, he moved his head to press a kiss to her stomach before laying his head back down onto her. “I wish I wasn’t like this.” The admission was quiet and felt pathetic, but he knew Liza wouldn’t be the one to judge him for it.
Liza:
Liza got comfortable against the pillows and then reached for him, keeping her arms open and spreading her legs so he could settle on top of her. She knew Wes loved laying like this and honestly, she did too. She loved the weight of him on her, loving feeling completely engulfed in him. It made her feel loved and safe in the same way she hoped it made him feel too.
She let him lift her shirt then, giving him a little smile as he kissed her stomach before he settled and as he did she enveloped her arms around him, even tangling a leg over his as she wound one arm around him, hugging him to her, and the other curled around his shoulders and rested her palm in his hair, gently stroking her fingers through his curls.
"Like what?" She asked softly, keeping every touch and movement and word slow and easy, not wanting to shatter the little bubble they'd created.
Wes:
Wes felt himself melt into liza as her arms wrapped him up in safety and love, and he turned his head to kiss her again but this time his lips pressed against her chest beneath him. “Like.. having panic attacks and feeling worried about you and the babies all the time.” His voice was soft and quiet, and it wasn’t lost on him how, despite feeling upset with himself for struggling, he’d come a long way. He used to completely shut down and shut Liza out but now he was lying on her and talking to her. It was progress even if it wasn’t as much as he wanted it to be.
“I just want to allow myself to be happy with you three but all I can ever think of is when something will go wrong.” Wes absently moved his fingers up and down Liza’s ribs, finding the soft touch of her skin comforting to him. “I am happy, don’t get me wrong. I just worry. A lot. Have panic attacks about… I don’t even know, I’ve had them for years.” Wes sighed and moved his fingers from Liza’s ribs to pressing his palm to her bare side, giving her side a small squeeze.
Liza:
Liza glanced down at him as she felt the next little kiss, watching him as best she could as she held him. "You worry about us because you love us. No one could ever fault you for that, especially me." Liza told him softly, gently massaging her fingers against his scalp all the while, wanting to try and soothe him both mentally and physically. And as he spoke again she listened, taking in every word with rapt attention because she knew the Wes of even just a year ago wasn't this open with her. He'd come a long way--and even though she knew he still struggled with it, he was doing so much better, and Liza would never make him regret it. She'd pay him all her attention, it was the least she could do in return.
As he spoke and touched her, she did the same, gently rubbing her fingers against his neck while the other continued to gently stroke along his bare back and shoulders, conscious of keeping her touch light as her fingers brushed over any scarred skin.
"Can you tell me what you think will go wrong?" She asked, fingers twirling around a stray curl. "Maybe if we talk about what you think could happen….I can reassure about those things? Because I'm perfectly okay. Teddy is safe and sound, asleep in his bassinet. Elise is at the park with her Auntie Amelia. Everyone is safe and okay.." Her hand moved then to the side of his face and then cupped his jaw, her thumb stroking along his skin. "I know you're happy. I know we're happy. Your worrying doesn't negate that. Maybe we just need to…try and figure out a way to make that happiness louder in your head than the worry."
Wes:
Wes closed his eyes at Liza’s touch so he could take it all in while he continued to draw little circles on her bare side with his forefinger. He thought about her question for a moment and swallowed hard at the answer. “I’m scared something will happen. I’m scared someone will hurt one of you. I read up more on pregnancy and birth while you were pregnant with Teddy and I’m afraid of one of your pregnancies or labors going wrong. I’m scared of us having another miscarriage, I’m scared of knowing I can’t aways protect you or the kids from the horrible things in the world. It’s not like when my sisters and I were living at home, where all we had to worry about was in that one house in Massachusetts, where I could protect Amelia from the one person who would hurt her. Now I don’t have one man to worry about hurting the people I love, I’m thinking about how awful the world is, how… how I can’t keep you all safe. So I think a lot of it is separation. I don’t like being away from you or Elise or Teddy. And I know Teddy’s safe with you alone, I know Amelia will keep Elise safe, but I feel better being there. I want to be here.”
Liza:
Once she spoke, Liza went quiet, giving Wes the time he needed to digest her question and just think it all out. She didn't want him to feel rushed or pressured to speak- so when he finally did, she listened intently, frowning as she listened to what he was afraid of. But this wasn't about her, so she just swallowed everything down and focused on Wes.
"Baby, fearing something will happen, doesn't mean it will. My pregnancy went just fine. Both of them. And Teddy is…he's perfect." Liza felt a little smile pulled onto her lips as she said it too. "I'm also not pregnant right now, nor will I be any time soon. So you can't….we can't let potential what if's of some unknown time in the future get to us. We don't know what's gonna happen in the future, and we can't control it. But what we can control, is what we do right now." As she said it, Liza moved one of her hands to the side of Wes' face, stroking her fingers along his skin before gently coaxing his head up to face her. "You can't prevent every single bad thing, no matter how much you want to--and I know you want to. Bad things will happen. That's…just life. We can't prevent pain, and horrible things. But we can be there for afterwards. You can be there for afterwards. And I know you'll always be there, and our kids will know that too.." She kept her fingers along the side of his face, thumb stroking along his skin before she moved them upwards, tucking some curls behind his ear.
"I also understand not wanting to be away from us…and I know you want us safe, but we are safe. And the awful things that happened to you will never, ever happen to them. To any of us. It won't happen again to you either." She tightened her other arm around him as she said it. "Bad things will happen," She said again, voice still just as soft. "But good will happen too. Much, much more good. Our babies are healthy and safe and okay. I'm healthy and safe and okay. And you…you're safe too. And I want you to be okay. So…we need to find out how to do that. Together." She moved her fingers through his hair as she said it, looking down at him still. "What do you think will help you…to be okay? Other than keeping eyes on us 24/7." She added the last bit with a little smile, hoping to lighten things a bit.
Wes:
Wes let Liza guide him so he was now looking at her directly as his chin rested on her belly still. He frowned at she spoke because he knew she was right and he was so wrong for getting so caught up in all of this. He couldn’t even enjoy his time with the kids or with Liza because he was always worrying about something. He opened his mouth to speak, ready to tell her that she would be pregnant again eventually because they’d both agreed they wanted a big family so it was inevitable, but he realized he was missing her point. He couldn’t live in fear of the future, he needed to live in the present and enjoy what they had.
Wes pushed himself up then so he could sit across from Liza and speak to her without having to look up at her, though he reached for her hand immediately because he didn’t want to be far at all. “I- I’ve never felt this safe. I think that’s what scares me. I’ve lived my entire life walking on eggshells so my father wouldn’t hit me or try to start something with my mother. Constantly watching Laurence around my sisters to make sure he didn’t hurt them. I’m safe but it’s like I’m waiting for something to go terribly wrong, like this is so abnormal. You got pregnant again before Teddy and we lost that baby, those are the kind of things I’m used to. Terrible things happening, heartache, everyhing like that. So it’s like…” Wes paused, trying to figure out how he could explain how he was feeling. “It’s like I expect those things and the fact life is so good right now, it just feels like something bad’s going to happen. Because that’s my normal. And I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to think that I deserve bad things because I know I don’t, but it’s hard to get out of that way of thinking. I’m safe with you, but I’m not safe from these feelings or the dreams I have or anything like that.”
It wasn’t a secret that wes had nightmares even now but he hadn’t mentioned them in a while. They were all about losing Teddy, Liza.. Elise. They were so awful he didn’t want to talk about it.
“I don’t know what will make it okay. I don’t know” he repeated as he shook his head, his eyes glossed over and he felt a tightness in his chest as he gave Liza’s hand a squeeze. “You shouldn’t have to deal with my past. But it keeps coming back to fuck with me. I’m afraid it’ll never get better and..” Wes nearly choked on his words, afraid to say it because they’d worked on it together and he thought he’d gotten over it, but.. “and there’s still that little voice in my head that tells me you and our babies don’t deserve this. Me. And my trauma and how it still affects me.”
Liza:
Liza felt a second of disappointment as Wes pulled away from her but she let him go just the same and she shuffled to sit up more, leaning back against the headboard and taking Wes' hand when he reached for hers again, lacing their fingers together as she watched him, listening as he continued to speak once more. And with each word, Liza practically felt her heart cracking--even if she understood why he felt the way that he did.
"Wes…baby, that's understandable. Growing up the way you had to…I get why you feel this way, I do. And I…..god, I am so sorry that you feel this way. That you're so scared. But I promise…nothing like that will happen again. Nothing that bad will happen again." As she said it Liza sat up, leaning closer to him so she could rest her other hand on top of theirs, holding his one hand between her own. "I understand living a life waiting for the other shoe to drop…but it's not going to happen again. We will both ensure that. Because you're not alone in this. Or in anything. Not anymore." She squeezed his hand as she said it, a little frown on her lips all the while.
"We're safe and okay and happy. And that is your new normal. I….I'm not saying everything will always be perfect…Bad things will happen because it's inevitable, but you'll never have to face any of it alone." Liza scooted closer then to him, moving til their legs were touching and she was more in his space. "I am not dealing with anything. I choose you Wes. And that means choosing all of you. Even the bad bits." She ducked her head down a bit as she said it, wanting to stay in his line of sight. "You are never going to have to handle anything bad alone again. All your fears and your nightmares, all your bad thoughts. I want to know them, so I can help you throught them. Especially because you already are getting better…even if you don't realize it. I mean..look at this conversation we're having right now." She told him softly. "The you of a year or two ago would have shut me out. Would have lied and said everything was okay. So this conversation is just proof that you are getting better, and that your trauma isn't as strong as the rest of you.."
Liza moved her hand again then, leaning over to cup his cheek. "We do deserve you. Your wife and your children whom you love so much. Whom you protect and always put first. The ones you're willingly putting effort into and change and growing into a better person….we deserve this. We deserve you. And likewise you deserve us. You deserve a family who loves you unconditionally. A family that's patient and understanding and here for you." Keeping her hand on his face, Liza tugged his hand over in his, resting it against her chest, over her heart. "You deserve all of this good. And nothing is going to take it away. Nothing is going to take me away. Not your past. Not your trauma or your fears and anxieties. Nothing. And I will tell you this every single day if I have to. Happily so."
Wes:
Wes tried to listen to Liza even as he felt like he was beginning to spiral again, his breathing shallowing just a little like he might have another panic attack, but Liza pulling his hand to her chest made him feel a bit more grounded. Wes let out a little breath and tried to keep his focus on Liza's beating heart underneath his palm. "I choose you too." Wes looked up at her with tears in his eyes. "I want everything with you, even the bad.. evenif I'm scared of it." His words were a whisper and he wiped his tears on the back of his hand. "I'm sorry." Wes apologized with a little huff before moving to pull Liza into a hug. "I'm sorry. Everything's been good I just can't shake these feelings."
Liza:
Even as she spoke, Liza didn't stop moving her hands against him, a constant, steady touch that she hoped would continue to soothe him hopefully in the way her words potentially would. And as she held his hand over her heart she also hoped its beat was slow and steady, wanting to try and calm him down. "And we'll have everything. We already do." She told him softly, giving him a sad little smile as she tried still to soothe him. "We have everything. And even when bad comes…nothing will break that. Nothing will break us." She kept Wes' hand over her heart for a few more seconds before she lifted it up so she could kiss his fingers and then let him pull her into a hug.
Liza easily curled up against him- something she loved to do since finally giving birth and she could press against him. "Never apologize." She told him, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close. "The feeling is there because it's what you're used to- and that's okay. But you accepting the feeling, and beating it..that is healing." She lifted her head up, looking at him. "And you're healing every day. And one day, that feeling will cease to exist, and you'll know that everything good is staying. That you deserve this. That nothing will be taken from you and nothing will hurt you. And we'll work towards that day every day. Together."
Wes:
Wes kept his focus on Liza wrapped around him, his anchor holding him in place so he didn’t drift into a wild sea of the feelings and anxiety he’d been experiencing. It was also so much and he wasn’t sure what he would do without Liza being there to keep him steady. “You’re right.” He whispered and moved enough to press his forehead against her, eyes closed while he breathed in her scent, invaded her space in the ways she allowed him, and kept his palms against her bare skin. “Together I fucking need you.”
Liza:
Liza all but tugged him into her lap as she hugged him to her, chest pressed against his so close she wondered if he could feel her own heart beating as she rubbed her hand slowly along his back and kept the other higher up, going between running her fingers through his hair or squeezing the back of his neck, especially as he moved enough to press their foreheads together. "And you have me." She assured him, tipping her head up just enough to ghost her lips against his. "You will always have me. Through every single bad, ugly thing. I am here and I am yours through all of it. You'll never have to face a single thing alone ever again."
Wes:
Wes felt a bit foolish as tears pooled in his eyes and he desperately tried to keep them at bay. Wes had always tried so hard to hide his emotions and never cry unless in private, but Liza made him feel as though it was okay to be vulnerable. It was okay to be stripped of those walls and cry without fear of finding a knife in his back, but sometimes it was hard to remember that it was okay to do that. That it was okay to be that vulnerable with his wife, that she wouldn’t leave him because she saw him as weak. And maybe that’s what made him finally break and let the tears come.
Wes moved and pulled Liza back into a hug and buried his face in her neck. Hot tears rolled down his freckled cheeks and into her shirt and on her skin, all the while his hands found their way inside her shirt so his palms to touch her bare skin, that feeling of skin to skin with Liza was always a comfort to him, and even in moments like these, he hoped it wasn’t too much.
Just as Liza had worried about herself being too much, Wes worried the same about himself. He worried that his past was too much, his pain and struggles were too burdensome to want to handle, and his vulnerability was repulsive. He worried the way he touched her was too clingy, too desperate, too needy. But Wes focused on what she was telling him rather than his own head, and she said she would be there for him, that he’d never be alone again, and he believed her. He trusted her the way he’d never trusted anyone.
“I love you, Elizabeth.” Wes whispered into her neck and pressed a kiss to her skin, his lips damp from the tears that rolled over them. “I love you.”
Liza:
Liza could practically feel the moment when Wes finally let go, the tension in his body oozing out of him as he finally started to cry. She wondered if he could sense her own wave of relief at it too, glad that he was finally just letting himself feel what he so clearly needed to.
Liza felt him pulling her in more and she let him, tugging him closer until she pretty much had Wes in her lap, hugging him to her. She had one arm wrapped around his back and the other around his neck, stroking over his hair soothingly as she pressed kisses against his head. "I've got you." She told him over and over, words of reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere and that he was okay, that everything would be okay. She even rocked them a bit, trying to soothe him the way she would their children, aching to take care of him and to make him feel okay and safe.
Liza even felt her own tears springing to her eyes sympathetically towards her husband, hating that he was feeling like this and just hoping she was doing enough. She hated seeing him hurting.
"I love you too." She told him softly, a sad little smile pulling up onto her lips as she noted him using her full name, and as he kissed along her neck she moved her hand to push the hair off his forehead, again just continually trying to soothe him as she kissed his forehead, resting her cheek against his head. "I love you most." She didn't mean she loved him more than he loved her, she meant she loved him the most. More than anything or anyone in her life, Wes was number one. He was the single most important thing in her life. "And I'm here for you, always. No matter what."
“you said this one is about who, now?” duckie asked, packing wet sand into a massive mold they had picked up on their way to the beach. her brothers made fun of her for it, but duckie still loved making sand castles, even in her twenties. maybe that was the real reason she’d started out as a sculpture major. she had a waterproof speaker next to their set up, currently bumping a selection of ariana grande’s discography. considering she had seen the artist in concert – completely thanks to james, who she also had to thank for having seen tame impala, maggie rogers, lizzo, and countless other legends – duckie still hadn’t heard very much of her music. today they were on a mission to correct that. “hey! take a look at that!” she preened as she lifted the mold and the beginnings of the castle she’d envisioned came out (nearly) flawlessly.
