I was meant to go to bed but instead I couldn't stop thinking about my incredibly niche JJK OCs and now I am itching to talk about them. But also I need to sleeeep
THESE VOLLEYBALL DORKS ARE ABOUT TO MAKE ME CRY AND ITS ALMOST 2 IN THE MORNING AND I SHOULD BE SLEEPING BUT I CANT STOP READING AND I CANT DEAL WITH THEM NOT AT ALL WOW
theyre making me feel all of these emotions and i JUST
i had a panic attack two days ago. i'd just walked into the shower and i didn't know what was happening because i haven't had an episode like that for years. i thought i was just puffed out because i'd gone walking with my brother.
it lasted ages and i felt like i was choking. and then my heart was doing weird stuff for the rest of the day and all night so i didn't sleep at all.
it was a very timely reminder to be super grateful for everything i have, particularly my health. i used to have panic attacks like that several times a day, every single day for like a year, and then they slowed down a bit but it was still really bad.
and you know when you read up on the classic signs and symptoms for panic attacks, the sensation of feeling like you're about to die is on the list, and i'd forgotten what it was like and like wow. i knew i wasn't going to die but it was scary because your heart is only capable of so many heart beats in your lifetime, and there i was, losing them by the second. also it's really weird when you put your hand on your chest and your heart thumping literally bounces your hand off.
anyway. i just really wanted to share that and i don't really have anyone else with whom i can talk about it so yeah. hashtagfeelings.
Text Post. Ignore it or don't. I can't tell you what to do.
So, I haven't written a text post in a long while. There's a few reasons why, but I feel like talking for a bit.
And if you are kind enough to indulge me, then by all means: press read more.
EDIT: I didn't even finish it. I'll continue it tomorrow.
Seriously, I haven't written a life update post in a long time. But, um, here we go.
I've been feeling kind of... all over the place, so this will probably come out as stream of consciousness and somewhat disjointed. Seriously, I'm anticipating a long drawn, feelings-vomit ridden rant.
My apologies in advance.
So, this semester has been interesting.
I changed my diet, I stopped procrastinating as much (which, let me tell you, is a feat), and I began to realize how disappointing my life has become.
Let's start with my new eating habits?
I have been on a diet once in my entire life. And it lasted for about a week? It wasn't particularly prompted by anything other than the fact that my pants size went into the double digits. Which, years ago, I promised myself I would start dieting at that point.
It was a pretty botched attempt. I had no idea what I was doing. I talked to Carmen about it, and we even drew up a diet plan, but I didn't stick to it. Why?
Because I fucking love processed foods. Or, rather, I loved processed foods.
But at the beginning of the semester, I went to the doctor to get a prescription written, and she informed me I had high blood pressure.
That took me aback. I knew I was chubby, I knew I ate hella unhealthy, but had no idea that I would be classified as being at risk for some serious health issues. In retrospect, I was definitely in denial.
Since I don't have a regular doctor, (because I don't have insurance. Medical or otherwise), she gave me general advice to lose weight and try to reduce my stress.
At the time, I weighted 160 pounds. Which, on my Asian, 5'3'' frame is a lot of weight. The thing was, I definitely didn't LOOK like I was 160 pounds. Even though I don't have much going on in terms of my boobs or ass, I don't really know where I was storing all that weight. Which added to the denial.
Anyway, I took it upon myself to completely change my eating habits.
I wasn't going on a "diet" and I hate using the term diet in that way, nothing I was doing was temporary, I plan to eat this way for my entire life.
Not only that, but I wanted to change my entire life.
I know. Grand statement. But I not only wanted to lose weight, but I wanted to get better grades, I wanted to wake up early every day, I wanted to take better care of myself, and more than anything, I wanted to take control of my fucking life.
Lately, things have felt like they were spinning out of control. I'm graduating next year, a year late no less, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life. I used to have grand dreams about becoming a doctor or becoming a success, but a combination of my insecurity and fear has kept me from those things.
I lost a lot of passion, and I had no passion for the things I used to want to pursue. And, well... without passion how could you possibly have ambition?
Well, in terms of my weight loss goals, I lost twelve pounds.
It was pretty easy initially. I lost ten pounds in about a month and a half, a solid 2 pounds a week. I don't expect it to happen overnight, and Carmen assured me that losing weight slowly helps you keep the weight off.
Afterwards, it pretty much plateaued. I only lost another 2 pounds in the course of the two months following. Luckily, I’m not easily discouraged when it comes to weight loss. The saving grace has been just thinking, “Okay, I haven’t lost any more weight, but I haven’t put on any weight either.”
And that makes me feel pretty fucking good.
I will NEVER weigh 160 pounds ever again.
Admittedly, I’ve become a little lax about my eating habits in the past few weeks. So I’m hoping that during summer break, since my eating schedule is very restricted (since I’m at work), I’ll be able to handle it much better.
I think about how I used to eat out EVERY single day I worked, which is usually 6 or 7 times a week, and it makes me feel a little sick. And that often included trips to Starbucks or McDonalds for breakfast while heading to work.
No wonder my sodium intake was through the fucking roof!
I’ve been feeling better too. I usually end up walking a mile or two a day just from living in Richmond, but I’d often get winded. Part of it was that I’d go and walk a mile immediately after having my breakfast, which usually wasn’t healthy anyway. Now, I’ve discovered that digesting your food first is a way better plan. But even though I’m not doing any other exercise (I should be ashamed), I find that I have a lot more energy and I feel less lethargic.
So. I’m hoping that I’ve made some gains in terms of lowering my blood pressure, though I haven’t checked it yet.
I’m still working on my stress levels, but… Well, I’ll talk about that in a bit.
One of my biggest concerns this semester has been my classes.
I dropped a class for the first time, which made me feel guilty as fuck. It really made me feel like I was just a shit student and couldn’t do anything. But it did make my workload a lot more manageable. Kinda.
Alright, so this semester I only took 12 credits, four classes:
Abnormal Psychology
Positive Psychology
Statistics for Psychology
Writing and Rhetoric
Abnormal Psych, as you can imagine was great fun and I absolutely loved it.
I THOUGHT I would enjoy Positive Psych, but I think it’s my least favorite out of all of them.
I’d taken Stat for Psych before at Nova, and I literally would make 30%s on the tests. It was unbelievable.
Writing and Rhetoric is a required class, not hard, but a SHITTON of work. The only saving grace was that my friend James is in it, and the TA was really fucking good-looking.
I don’t want to get too into it, but the main thing was that I came to realization that you can work as hard as you possibly can and still only get meager rewards.
Let me rephrase:
Basically, like I said, I’ve been working really hard this semester to not procrastinate. It’s a bad habit in general, but it also gives me a lot of anxiety when I do. Last semester was bad, it would get to the point where I honestly would not know if I’d be able to get my assignments done on time. I’d need to submit by midnight, and I’d be working up to the fucking SECOND. Bad for my blood pressure.
I don’t work well under pressure either, so it was just a bad idea in general.
So, I’ve been getting my assignments done really early. I usually end up finishing my papers and big assignments about a week in advance. Unfortunately, since my Writing and Rhetoric class had SO much busy work, even when I got everything done, there was just another wave.
But despite all this effort and all the time I spent at the library and HOW MUCH I THOUGHT I WAS PREPARED, I would just fail at everything. I mean, not really fail, but I’d get Bs on fucking EVERYTHING. Not even high Bs. Mid to low Bs.
Fuck me.
Now, I know that I shouldn’t complain, since I should be glad that I’m passing at all. Except no.
I don’t really follow the Asian stereotype in the respect that my parents did not hover over my report cards, but that meant that I maintained standards for myself. I only got the grades I got in order to please myself.
I don’t know what the fuck happened where I suddenly could just shrug off Cs and Ds on my tests. I used to be devastated when that happened. Last semester, I got 2 Cs and I didn’t even fucking care.
What happened?
When did I start lowering my expectation for myself?
And so, I’ve been working hard, and yet I’m still only pulling Bs. What the fuck?
Actually, for my first Abnormal Psych class, I thought I fucking crushed my first exam. I went to every class, I labored over my notes, I read the textbook, I made flashcards, I was fucking READY. I took the test, and I knew every answer.
That was right before Spring Break, and on Blackboard, the professor said that the grades were lower than expected, and she curved the grades by 4 points. I thought I fucking SET the curve.
I emailed the teacher, because I couldn’t see my grade, and it turned out that I got a fucking 87. WITH THE CURVE.
Not only that, but my first Stat exam, I got a fucking 86.5. It was a fucking OPEN NOTE TEST. I even typed up my notes after every class to prepare for the exam and everything.
Positive Psych, I knew I didn’t do well, and I got a 76.
Clearly something is conspiring against me, especially since on my second exams I got an 80, 80, and 70 respectively. Weird fucking numbers, dude.
Luckily my writing skills are competent enough that I’ve had a really high A consistently through Writing and Rhetoric.
I always used to think that I was just an okay student because I didn’t apply myself, and if I just tried I’d totally rock it. But I tried and I didn’t, and that’s distressing as fuck. And then I begin to wonder if I really, TRULY tried, or if I’m just lying to myself. Did I really care? Or are you just an idiot?
I just fucking hate how much I disappoint myself. Not just… generally, but in my academic career.
Until recently, and I’ll talk about why later, I haven’t been particularly interested by my Psychology classes. Ironically, I only seem to think about what I’ve learned from after they’re done. Which is something I’m a little afraid to admit to anyone, especially to myself.
I guess I just see a lot of my friends that are just SO passionate about psychology and it makes me feel like I don’t like it enough. The classes often bore me. Shouldn’t they excite me?
Jesus, I should be getting therapy, not exactly learning how to administer it.
Because, I mean, if my own major isn’t interesting to me, then what the FUCK am I interested in?
But, well, I’ll just ignore those feelings until they explode.
I was talking to my friend Charlotte about this, and she’s not that great of a student, but that doesn’t mean anything.
She’s always ‘jokingly’ trying to prove to me and others that she’s smart, but I don’t think she realizes how intelligent she really is. I really admire her spirit, though. I really wish I could focus less on school and work and the grind.
Anyway, I think she and I share a lot of the same fears, particularly post-graduating goals. And she was telling me how much she hates how our worth is based on our grades. I totally get what she’s saying, and I don’t know that anyone thinks about their grades once they’re five, ten years out of college.
(She also told me yesterday that she wished she was a tree, so...)
But it made me think, God, I’m an okay student, but I’m not particularly good at anything else. If we’re not based on our grades, then I REALLY don’t think I’m good at anything.
I mean, I don’t want be depressing or sound depressed either, but I’m having such a fucking identity crisis. Who am I? What am I capable of? What am I even good for? Who the fuck even am I?
I guess I’m too old to be wondering these things, but I’ve always been a late bloomer.
And, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a cry for help, this isn’t the beginning of depression or anything, I’m just scared to face reality. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this for so long, I’m beginning to wonder if this identity crisis is part of my identity.
Part of it too is that I keep having these thoughts, damn near obsessively, and yet I have no idea what to do. I don’t know how to find the solution. And… well. What can I do?
I just want someone to give me a tight hug, and let me rest my head into the crook of their neck and shoulder, as they stroke my back and say that everything is going to be okay.
Maybe I just miss physical intimacy. Hah.
Aughh, I have so much more to say, but this is getting long as fuck…
I’m gonna take a break. I’ll write some more tomorrow.
