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when the fic gets to a chapter about how boot camps use confusing and arbitrary beratement and punishments as a technique to instill a reflex to immediate obedience and you go ".....oh. hm."

#I never connected how that could work before but #somehow this feels deeply familiar to me #feelingsposting

I'm not gonna have a whole day or week to myself to just-- do things I want to, think about what I need, make my own choices, ever again. not without paying for it in more time spent comatose.

and that's-- a thing we've just got to figure out how to live with, somehow. we just have to share. that's all there is. we don't get sixteen hours a day to be awake and interact with the world anymore, and so we've got to stop pining for that. we can try to lessen the blow. we can keep trying to learn how to co-con and hope we can and that it feels real enough to make any difference, and spend some of the time that way. but even if that works, and helps with feeling present, it's still sharing. it's just-- intertwining the time more closely. (or on the flip side, we can try to carve out-- partitioned areas, parts of life that are just ours to control.)

and-- I can find the upsides. there are things that are nice, or fascinating, or really unique experiences, about being like this, too!

but I have to give up, truly and permanently, on this idea of having a life of my own. I won't. I was never going to. we were never going to. grieve it and move on.

#sometimes we just have to say: lose hope‚ give up‚ and endure #okay. deep breaths.#pluralitag #feelingsposting #this post brought to you by: a fourth one maybe started showing up (??) and me and iris have been kinda having a spiral about that idea #or especially about the idea that that is a thing our brain-- mechanically wants to do #we have GOT to figure out how to get control of that process

having a bit of a depressive crash i'm afraid

#feelingsposting

why can't I hug the little alter killing killing killing biting

#why is there so much bigger a gap between them and the rest of the system #pluralitag #feelingsposting

I need to find more discords to hang out on or something...

#or at least which ones I'm already in could I figure out how to interact with more #trying to derive bits of social dopamine from tumblr kind of worked before but doesn't especially now #ideally places where it's not weird to be out as plural #feelingsposting

...today was a good day

#it's time for me to swap out for the night i think #but my half of today was good #i learned some really interesting things to look into more and i had nice conversations #feelingsposting

I want to live

I want to feel the air in my lungs and touch things and see things I want to get to know so many people

I want to live, live, live

#draft eviction #feelingsposting #blblblblblbl #but i could just delete my posts. have u considered that. thats also valid

god knows this is not anybody else's fault but having our main exposure to plurality Before be like tulpa systems or oc-introject systems and fluffy plural advocacy tumblrs really gave me a skewed idea of how this would work

#draft eviction #i-- i can evict drafts too! look here's one!#feelingsposting #pluralitag

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