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I'm not gonna have a whole day or week to myself to just-- do things I want to, think about what I need, make my own choices, ever again. not without paying for it in more time spent comatose.

and that's-- a thing we've just got to figure out how to live with, somehow. we just have to share. that's all there is. we don't get sixteen hours a day to be awake and interact with the world anymore, and so we've got to stop pining for that. we can try to lessen the blow. we can keep trying to learn how to co-con and hope we can and that it feels real enough to make any difference, and spend some of the time that way. but even if that works, and helps with feeling present, it's still sharing. it's just-- intertwining the time more closely. (or on the flip side, we can try to carve out-- partitioned areas, parts of life that are just ours to control.)

and-- I can find the upsides. there are things that are nice, or fascinating, or really unique experiences, about being like this, too!

but I have to give up, truly and permanently, on this idea of having a life of my own. I won't. I was never going to. we were never going to. grieve it and move on.

#sometimes we just have to say: lose hope‚ give up‚ and endure #okay. deep breaths.#pluralitag #feelingsposting #this post brought to you by: a fourth one maybe started showing up (??) and me and iris have been kinda having a spiral about that idea #or especially about the idea that that is a thing our brain-- mechanically wants to do #we have GOT to figure out how to get control of that process

one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao

#moogletalks #in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things #and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life #instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis #but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were #and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival #instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now #the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community #if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people #their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special #and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality #anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol #ableism cw #internalized ableism cw #pluralitag #traumatag #adventures in mental illness #disabilitag

ah i thought DID required periods of full blackout amnesia. apparently it's any significant dissociative amnesia?

#well. i sure don't have much of that movie she watched today #which is a shame it seems like it was good #hopefully we can get to the point where we're coconscious enough watch things at the same time eventually......#pluralitag #not that this really matters for anything but i guess its sort of interesting

you know. 'i am posting about IDing as a system and my experiences with being one, so i can look at back at it later when i'm thinking it was Just a Phase again and tell myself That's the Repression Devil Talking, We Said It Publicly Now No Takebacks' feels in hindsight like a very plural thing to do lmao

#moogletalks #disabilitag #adventures in mental illness #internalized ableism cw #guy who's kept coming back to this over and over like clockwork his entire life #has cried his eyes out more than once over the idea of not being a system; including during I Need to Accept That stages #and has been under circumstances where every single time you can point directly at what made him repress it Again:#It's Probably Just a Phase :(#anyway here's hoping the knowledge sticks this time at least; even if the burnout i'm going through keeps me from the Working On It part #(which more than once has been the thing that made me repress lmao)#('please god i am already so fucking exhausted and stretched right to the limit physically and emotionally; i can't pile this on too')#(which is yet another thing i am told is a Common Plural Experience. so! there's that)#still feels deeply vulnerable to talk about though. the imposter syndrome is real #pluralitag

hmm maybe it would be fun to draw up some character designs for each of us instead of just the one-off sketches we use for our avatars

#this occurred to me yesterday when I was at a thing and wanted to draw something #& realized I didn't really have any particular character model memorized atm #pluralitag

as much as everything is a shitshow right now, i can't help but take some pride in the progress i've made recently in embracing and working with my plurality, because earlier we sorted out a desperately needed doctor's appointment with minimal pain and stress which otherwise would have either been a devastating spoon drain or just not happened at all. the way it happened was very funny also

#moogletalks #braintag #pluralitag #genuinely i am convinced that a massive amount of my executive dysfunction is down to being plural and repressed about it #turns out forcing your brain not to communicate with itself and thereby function in the way it's wired to do won't make you normal!#it just makes you unable to function!#a pocketful of good things

maybe I should see if I can find some tuplamancer communities to hang out in tbh. like our relationship to & experience of Being Plural is going to be very different and all, but I like the more nuts&bolts approach that community has a lot

#also the culture of insisting that obviously each headmate has independent moral value #it's sweet of them #pluralitag

simplyplural is a very helpful app but it's really frustrating how its chat functions completely lack any kind of search feature

#maybe we should just use it to track front and-- what‚ go back to discord for internal comms I guess?#pluralitag

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