AHHH!
This is currently how I am feeling. I am in a house with a total of 7 people in it. There are many things that are not consistent with the rules due to cultural sexism in my house. I am the oldest girl, which of course, comes with the territory of expecting to be the second mother of the house and unconditionally love my family. I have a narcissistic mother, a father who has done some wrongs, and they are both very strict parents. I can not help but feel hopeless sometimes, and tend to be comfortable falling into the victim mentality I guess. The thing is that so many hypocritical and unfair things happen in my life that I constantly am unhappy.
Now, I reflect constantly on my values and ideals. Before I used to say that I was not judgmental. Some times I cannot help but make true preconceived notions about others that 99 percent of the time are correct. I am not trying to sound pompous, this has just come from life experience. It seems as if everything I thought, or the situations I thought I would be in now, are literally the opposite of is going on now.
For example, I am in a relationship with someone I never thought I would be in a relationship with. He is an EMT. I told this man I would not be with someone in Emergency Medical Services. The crazy schedule, the amount of time spent away from your partner, rumors of these people misusing substances, and the attached American patriotism to this job were all reasons why I did not want a boyfriend with this career. Being a Mexican-American woman, I am not necessarily the most patriotic person. I have had many "white Americans" be racist to me throughout my life. Also, learning the truth about America's history and the way things work in our country... yea I cannot say I am too patriotic.
I have a lot to say and it is hard to find someone who will listen. I understand everyone has their lives, it's just sad that the only friend whom we vented to each other is in a controlling relationship at the moment in another state. I am trying to be positive but its hard. Hopefully I can be more consistent with journaling. The "Big Guys" already see everything with cameras in the streets and being regulated online, so I really don't have anything to hide or to lose by venting out my frustrations in an online post.
-I'm always a friend to those who reciprocate the friendship, hope your day is going better than mine
xoxo,
Loves Chocolate Dearly