#female avoidant

[femaleavoidant]

Shame is the opposite of art. When you live inside of your shame, everything you see is inadequate and embarrassing. A lifetime of traveling and having adventures and not being tethered to long-term commitments looks empty and pathetic and foolish, through the lens of shame. … Shame turns every emotion into the manifestation of some personality flaw, every casual choice into a giant mistake, every small blunder into a moral failure. Shame means that you’re damned and you’ve accomplished nothing and it’s all downhill from here.

You need to discard some of this shame you’re carrying around all the time. But even if you can’t cast off your shame that quickly, through the lens of art, shame becomes valuable. When you’re curious about your shame instead of afraid of it, you can see the true texture of the day and the richness of the moment, with all of its flaws. You can run your hands along your own self-defeating edges until you get a splinter, and you can pull the splinter out and stare at it and consider it. When you face your shame with an open heart, you’re on a path to art, on a path to finding joy and misery and fear and hope in the folds of your day.

Heather Havrilesky (Ask Polly - “I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life”)

[femaleavoidant]

Lately, I've been struggling with self-rejection, or rather with becoming aware of my self-rejection behaviour. It's the little ways in which I have to actively force myself to do things that are good for me or take advantages of chances given to me or keep myself from self-sabotaging.

I feel like I don't deserve good things and even when I'm getting good things, I reject or ignore them.

[femaleavoidant]

We always talk about damage caused by things that happen to us.

But what of the damage caused by the things that were denied us or that we denied ourselves? Damage caused by things that should happen, but did not.

[femaleavoidant]

i’m so hungry for love, but even if someone were to set a plate in front of me i wouldn’t even touch it.

i feel like the dumbest person on earth.

[femaleavoidant]

But this is wrong, nobody dies from lack of sex. It's lack of love we die from.

The Handmaid’s Tale | Margaret Atwood

[femaleavoidant]

Maybe certain kinds of pain, at certain formative stages in life, just impress themselves into a person's sense of self permanently. Like the way I didn’t lose my virginity until I was twenty, and it was painful and awkward and bad. And since then I’ve always felt like exactly the kind of person that would happen to.

Beautiful World, Where Are You | Sally Rooney

[femaleavoidant]

being limerent is one of the worst parts of my avpd. like, on a logical level i know that my high school crush has long forgotten about me, but i still pine for him like i'm still 17. like a part of me is still stuck at that moment in time.

you know what is funny, i went to my laundry and there was an advert (poster) hung up with him on it. i wish i were kidding, the first time i saw it i thought i was having a mental breakdown. but he is involved in some local creative field, so there he was beaming down at me from the poster like some cruel joke. and due to covid the poster stayed up for literally 2 or so years.

anyway, avpd gave me brain damage, it really did.

[femaleavoidant]

And you worked yourself to the bone While the people say what they say It’s the neighbors anyway They don’t know what’s good for your life

And I see your head hangs low In the black shadow, half shadow Living room is fitting room is sitting room is fit for your crying

Don’t be ashamed—don’t hide in your room For the woman is, woman is the glorious victorious The mother of the heart of the world

Djohariah Djohariah