#fennasfaselei

[darkelfchicksick]

so I've been feeling pretty emotionally stable for over a week, yeah i was also sick and that sucked, and I was kind of low-energy but you know, I'm kinda getting over my horrible workplace

today was officially my last day and uhhhhhhh i went to hand in my key card and uniform and like, hours worked, and uuuuuuuuuuuh

didn't cry when talking to our cleaner, who was probably the person i regularly talked to the most (lol), then handed in my uniform to one of the officers, then proceeded to say it's my last day, felt the wobble, he asks what I'm doing next, i immediately start crying. he's genuinely sorry, goes "hey no worries you don't have to tell me", i stand there getting myself under control again and he's perfectly ok.

i move on upstairs to get my printed-out time sheet, idk how to say it in English and this post is NOT getting any editing I'm vomiting this up and then I'll never look at it again;

i print them out, see coworker i like walking down the hallway, hide half behind the door. then rationalize that i can't fucking hide, go say hi, he asks ... something, i think "that bad, huh?" after I say it's my last day; fucking bawling. i mean not bawling but very teary, other coworker I don't know well enough to like or dislike comes out of their office, asks one thing, i start to do this stupid suppressing of my wails, she pulls me into their office and tells the other guy to close the door. i proceed to do breathing exercises so i don't start hyperventilating, get 15 minutes of people being nice and talking to me and listening to me vent about that one dude everyone hates and everyone knows is incompetent; i walk out still watery to turn in my key.

i enter the office, put down my documents and turn around to walk out; our office manager is on the phone so I don't have to talk to her. realize I've forgotten to turn in the key, put it on her desk, she notices that and then, instead of being able to have a conversation, i just tell her I'm sorry i gotta go or I'll start crying again, she goes "oh no not because of me?" i say no and lock myself in the bathroom to calm down.

horrific. terrified I'd see anyone else, fucking sneaking down the staircase and then basically marching off property and crying the whole walk home, and at home, still crying now i feel completely crushed and I can't even process why. just acute misery and failure

[darkelfchicksick]

me a few years ago: bosses suck but mine is mostly fair

me now:

[darkelfchicksick]

last night i dreamt i was walking through a village, or maybe a village-y quarter of a city. the trees were green, there were almost no cars. the air was clean and flowers blooming. I was on my way back home from the liberal congregation when I passed the big synagogue, and many people on their way back from there. we all greeted each other with shabbat shalom. it was exhilarating.

[darkelfchicksick]

that scene in sense and sensibility when emma thompson is petting a horse that wants to NOT BE THERE

[darkelfchicksick]

I got tagged by @surrealistwaltz - thanks!

rules: answer 21 questions and then tag 21 ppl mutuals, if you want to do this, tell me and I'll tag you.

nickname: my mom calls me Täubchen (little dove) and in 6th grad people called me Sin. In 9th grade I had ascended to Samara. I don't have a nickname others gave me now (afaik)

zodiac sign: pisces

height: 170cm if I bother standing up straight

amount of sleep: 6 hours during the week, 10-12 on the weekend

last movie I saw: Black Honey

last thing I googled: kann ein vermieter wochenendheimfahrer verlangen

favourite musician: ... Daniel Kahn, I guess??

song stuck in my head: Ruby of the Sea

other blogs: I use @agermangiur and I have an old "runic shitpost/better living through what old norse philosophy looks like in my head" blog but I won't link that.

do I get asks: rarely

blogs following: 554 and I still get bored at work bc apparently everyone lives on the west coast

lucky numbers: 2

what I'm wearing: black knit sweater, green skirt, tights, brown chelsea boots

dream trip: yiddishland

dream job: independent artist in the area of tension between neoimpressionism and neoexpressionism

favourite food: stews, fruit, kebab

languages: German, English, Swedish. I'm reading Yiddish to build a feeling for it and build my vocabulary, and I do the Hebrew duolingo course. I can somewhat communicate in French, Norwegian and Danish. I can read Icelandic, Old Norse and Latin.

play any instruments: I learned to play the piano but I'm out of practice. I'm learning ocarina and jaw harp, but that's mainly to annoy my d&d party

favourite songs: uuuuuh idk. I really like Fran&Flora's Mayn Rue-Plats right now

random fact: I have a muscle problem in my eyes and I used to see double. I got the muscles cut a bit to counter that, but it's not completely gone.

describe yourself as aesthetic thing: clutter crafts

[darkelfchicksick]

while talking to my coworker in the car, I realized my conceal-don't-feel-philosophy comes directly from my mom not allowing any negative feelings to be expressed or, ideally, even felt; at the same time, my father was super concerned about proper middle-class etiquette. And that's why I'm a repressed diffident lesbian

[darkelfchicksick]

I just talked to my dad on the phone for over an hour and. not to be sexist but my dad has become a great person and he's doing his best and I love and respect him.

[darkelfchicksick]

also earlier today I had an epiphany why my sibling and I really can't. deal with our mom very well? she always demanded we apologize to her whenever something went wrong. there was this whole spiel about (especially me) getting grounded if I didn't apologize. The thing is - she never apologized to us. we had to apologize for slamming doors when we were angry and she never apologized for anything she did. she never apologized to me for using me in the divorce. she never apologized for using me as her therapist and her maid and her 24/7 babysitter from when I was 15. she never apologized for not noticing I was getting mentally ill around the same time. My mom never apologized. Even when I asked her to apologize for using me last year- she didn't apologize until I explicitly said "I want to hear you say 'I'm sorry for what I put you through'" and after that she still inserted a "but it was etc. etc." and this is so unfair. I loved my mom. I respect her decisions to not give me up for adoption but also. if she'd noticed the pregnancy in time, she would've aborted me. which would've been fine? but I carry the weight of being an accident, of binding her to a man she stopped loving later in life, the weight of being too smart for my own good which made her treat me as an adult when I was barely 11 and had started my period? I always was a way to make things easier for her. And she never noticed what she did, and she never apologized, and she still acts like I'm so old and grown-up "so I guess you just don't want to see your old mother again" no. I just cannot deal with her being irresponsible. I can't deal with carrying responsibilities for her. I know she gave up a lot and I respect her for that. But if she'd had a choice, she would've given up me. And knowingly or not - she makes me feel that to this day.