my mom just left town. didn't get quite as much time as i had hoped, but what time we had was really good. the older i get, the better the time we spend together is. there are a lot of reasons for that, but the biggest thing is that she has stopped being so constantly critical--she used to be like "noo you can't leave the house like that, change your shirt!" etc etc. but she has stopped doing that, and of course our power has equalized a lot--i feel a lot more stable in my life as an adult...altho actually things are in a lot of ways as unstable or even more unstable than they were almost 10 years ago when i moved into my first apartment at 18! went to the hothouse, drank margaritas, saw my sweetie play in a prestigious orchestra at the opening of a public art installation downtown.
i got to ask her about taking her maiden name as my last name, and she was like, "yes, of course! do what you want!" and asked what my new legal name would be, and she said she liked it.
my worst fear in transitioning has been that i will lose my relationship with my mom, who is the only blood family person that i still have contact with. she sends me pictures of my brother (her/my stepdad's son), but i don't think he's very interested in a relationship with me right now. there are also a few friendships i have been afraid of losing, but those people have been pretty supportive, tho it has taken a couple of them time to come around to using my pronouns/name.
i expect that things will be a little bit easier once i have less of a chest, and my face/skin/voice are a little bit more masculine on T. i expect my chest to shrink, too, or hope it will--i have C or D cups now, depending upon how active i am and what my estrogen-levels are. i've been trying to avoid estrogen-alike herbs/foods when i can (soy, sage, hops), but hops are the hardest because i love beer! i guess i need to start brewing again.
i've started asking other trans* friends for how they dealt with certain things, and that's been pretty helpful. i'm still not sure Jo and i's relationship will survive my transition, but i think that remains to be seen. i love him so much, but i still get really scared he will not be attracted to me once i smell/look/etc different. as far as his sexual and romantic relationships go, i am the outlier, the only boy (or boi) he has ever slept with or dated for any extensive period of time. i guess he had a couple of awkward dates with another dude he was crushing on really hard a few years ago, but nothing really happened between them physically. so i get scared he will decide he wants to get married to a woman and leave, or whatever...but i am trying to just roll with that fear, acknowledge it, and not let it hang me up too much. it's a real fear, it's a real thing that could happen, but me spending too much anxiety on it will probably only speed up that process if it happens at all.
i did ask a friend about how they have dealt with being an outlier in their partner's sexual history, and our conversation was really interesting. i was able to identify a few things that i feel like i need in order to feel safer in our relationship--and some of them are things that Jo can't do, like the world at large seeing me for my gender. unfortunately the only way for that one to change is for me to change, which i fucking hate...tho i will be really relieved when (somedaaayyy, over the rainboowwww) i don't have to tote around d-cup flesh bags anymore. but one of the things Jo can do is be out in queer circles with me more, so i'm trying to ease into that where i can. might do some double dates to queer two-step nights or something.
it's spring break. i have been *remarkably lazy*, other than still trying to find a job so i can work+school without running out of unemployment. i am thinking about trying to get hired on at a homo depot again...i really liked that job in some ways, because i met such interesting people! it got really stressful sometimes, tho...entitled suburbanites are creeps. i am worried it's going to be really hard to find a job with my new name, but i'm much more scared of what would happen if i swallowed myself for another 10 years and went back in the closet.
so. stuff is scary, but it is also ok.