#ffkhm

[mydementia]

Blank shots.

Last week alone, four  close friends came up to me (on separate occasions) asking if I’m okay. (Something about my facial expression looked like I am about to murder anyone who came in my way) 

I felt fine, I didn’t really get what they were talking about. 

Turns out, I was blocking out a helluva emotions just so I don’t have to deal with them. I mean, being here now, there’s just too many people with worse problems. Over the years I learned to contain and remind myself that whatever I am dealing with is nothing compared to what other people face. 

So just yesterday, all he said was, “Could you turn of the music, I had a long day at work.” And that, that was all it took for me to break down and cry (in the bathroom of course, I didn’t want him to find out).

All sorts of crazy went through my mind. Couldn’t help thinking if something was wrong with me. I had no problems, no personal issues, no beef at work, life is generally fine. So why, the hell, did I break down? 

In fact, I was lying to myself. I blocked it all out for the sake of others. I felt that it was undeserving of me to self-pity myself. To rant about stuff that are no biggie. I had no outlet. I disallowed any form of outlets.

Dear me, why do you always find ways to self-destruct?

Shiz. 

[mydementia]

It’s been a while.

Hi. It has, hasn’t it? 

You know, I come here only when things are starting to get out of control and I couldn’t handle my own thoughts. So I come here to pour them all out.

“How are you?” “How’s work?” People often ask when we bump into each other. I usually answer with a shrug and say “Meh, you know how it is.”

I’ll tell you how I am right now. I feel depressed, disappointed, anxious, frustrated, worried. Why? It’s really just about two things that have a big impact to my future - my job, and the country I am in right now. 

And people.

Some days right. 

Well, hold that thought. It’s lunch time. Gotta go out and “be normal” for a bit. 

I’ll come back and continue (if I have the time or energy later.)

[mydementia]

Alhamdulillah

Even when things get difficult, just choose to keep a positive outlook. Alhamdulillah, I am so thankful with the strength and the ilmu that Allah has granted me to be the person that I am today. All that matters is to focus on being a better person everyday. Life is good. ❤️

[mydementia]

Words unspoken.

The worst kind of dissatisfaction is one that you cannot express. You keep telling yourself, it's just not worth getting upset for, but it just consumes you from the inside. You can say "I won't give a fuck", repeat over and over again, trying to convince yourself, nothing works. You ignore the problem hoping it'll go away but it just haunts you more. You end up making assumptions rather than making confrontations. It just seems easier to avoid the feelings than to deal with them, until one day you realise you've turned into a person you couldn't recognise anymore. By then it's too late.

[mydementia]

Like a girl.

I wouldn't consider myself a feminist.

I believe in equal rights, not between gender, but rather to humanity as a whole.

Having said that, I sometimes wonder what men's perspective in general is on treating women with enough respect to put them at par with men. I'm not saying that women should be treated equally as men. It's more about respecting a woman, her sexuality, her intelligence and her strength as a person.

It got me questioning, will women always be subjected to be an object of men's pleasure. Can a woman not be seen as charming and witty without being linked to sexually attractive? If a woman puts an effort to look beautiful and sexy, but dislikes crude remarks about her sexuality, would men put the blame on her for dressing a certain way? People in general, always have snide remarks about these women, saying that they want to be seen that way, they love being looked as sex icons or along the lines of it.  Some women are even depicted as bitches for dressing a certain way. But is it really, the fault of these women? Look around you, anything about women are always related to beautification, image, looking pretty and prim. Little girls toys have always been dolls and make up. Girls were exposed with that kind of mentality, that looks matter. They grow up with these constant exposure, beauty brands, make up, slimming pills, bags, fashion. It just has always been that way, no matter how hard a woman chooses to ignore it. But at the end of the day, for what? And does it really matter? A woman is beautiful when she is intelligent and has a big heart. Looks fade with age, but how a woman brings herself, her perspective and principle, that is what defines her, not her beauty, not her looks. That's what matters.

[mydementia]

That’s the thing… One day you give up entirely on pursuing happiness, the next day you give yourself another chance be fixed. But most times, you end up even more broken than before.

It just gets damaging time after time. But the heart, having faith, is always stubborn. The heart says, “Let’s just give it another shot. Maybe things will be different this time.”

The heart hopes for a change.

It may seem that the heart is naive yet beautiful because it will always believe that something good will eventually happen. However the heart is too blind to see that the constant damage is consuming itself, leading to just… A tunnel of darkness, walking aimlessly and going in further each time.

But the heart won’t stop. The heart believes there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s just a spark, the heart is willing to take that risk. Because that is what the heart is essentially made to exist. To believe.

[mydementia]

Justification.

Have you ever heard that phrase that goes along the line of, "You may not be able to change every situation, but you can change the way you react about them." I guess, when people disappoint you, you just have to rise above them all, and decide to be the better person. There is no justified reason to hurt a person's feeling just because you've been hurt in the past. Take it as a test and trial of life. “And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad
 tidings to as-Saabireen (the patient ones). 
 Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: “Inna lillaahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raaji’un (Verily to Allah we belong and verily, to Him we shall return).”
 They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are
 those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones.” (2:155-157) The Messenger of Allah (Salal-Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “One amongst the inhabitants of Hell, who had lived a
 life of ease and pleasure in the world, would be made to dip in the Hell Fire only once on the Day of Resurrection. 
 Then he would be asked: ‘O son of Adam, Did you find any comfort. Did you get any blessing?’ He would say: ‘By Allah, no, my Lord!’ Then a person, from the inhabitants of Paradise, who had led the most miserable life (in the world), would be made to dip once in Paradise and it would be said to him: ‘O son of Adam, did you face any hardship or experience any distress?’ he would say: ‘By Allah! No never have I experienced any hardship or distress’.” (Saheeh Muslim, No. 6738)


[mydementia]

Stuck.

Have you felt so tired you could cry? Like, you don't even know the core of the problem. Life seems pretty fine on the face of it, but there is that feeling like something's holding you back so bad you just want it to go away. It's just there. I don't know what it is, but it's burdensome.