TLDR; I am fat and I know it. I want to love myself with all my shortcomings.
“Coming out as fat” - I heard this phrase a couple of days ago in this podcast that has kept my brain buzzing ever since I heard it. No, it has not changed my perspective on myself. But it has put into words what I’ve been feeling beneath the surface almost every day of my life since I was a teenager. Yes, I am fat.
And fat shaming is real. It might not have been as obvious in my life as it has been for some of the women in the podcast but here’s what I can still painstakingly remember:
my stepmother telling me to be “careful because you’re getting fat”
my dad telling me that if I lost another couple of pounds I would look “okay” - after I just lost almost 20 pounds
that stranger in the car pulling up next to me and my (thin) friend, telling her she had a lovely butt before turning to me and saying “you don’t, fat cow, you should lose some weight” *
my stepmother again, gifting me fruit juice for christmas instead of sweets (my siblings did get sweets of course) - which by the way is totally ironic because fruit juice contains as much sugar as sweets - but she thought it was the “healthy option”
that old lady in the supermarket telling me I should definitely stay away from the sweets while looking at me with disgust
my dad again, telling me not to “stretch out” my mothers dress
my friends telling me I have a nice face and I am not THAT fat and acting surprised that I felt hurt when they talked about how fat other people were and how disgusting this is
my stepmother again and again and again telling me that she only “wants my best” by warning me, restricting my diet, and talking to me how unattractive big girls are
countless of internet comments on fat acceptance articles confirming that fat women are not and cannot be attractive
the photographer briefing me before my wedding day that I have to be clear about the fact that he “cannot make me look slim”
One of the most poignant lines by Lindy West was that she felt “invisible and at the same time too visible”. And the fact that I was invisible (mostly to other human beings as a sexual partner) as well as too visible (for the rest of the world who saw me as too big) has been bothering me every single fucking day of my adult life.
Yes, I know about nutrition, exercise, diet, calorie intake and use. Yes, I am aware that my body is labelled unattractive to 90 % of the people I deal with on a daily basis. Yes, I know that I should not care what other people think but I STILL DO.
What in the world makes people think that a fat person is not aware that they are fat? I live with my body 24/7. There are mirrors in my home. I can see my reflection when I am sitting on a bus. When I walk the street there are big glass windows everywhere that show my reflection. I see the looks on others people faces when they see me. There are mirrors in stores where I go to buy clothing. I have to shop in plus size sections. Some chairs feel too small. I don’t like certain stores because they have narrow aisles that make it hard to navigate around each other (you don’t even need to be fat for that btw).
I beat myself up every day. And i am tired of hating my body. I am tired of pretending comments like the ones above don’t hurt me. I am tired of pretending I don’t care.
That is why loving myself WITH all my shortcomings feels like such a hard and radical thing.
I am so ready to let go of my self hatred. I am ready to learn to love myself. All of myself. I have only taken the first steps on this journey and I am not sure that I will ever be able to look at myself and see an attractive person but I want to make damn sure I see a happy one.
*by the way - commenting on someone else’s body like that - even in a seemingly “positive” way does nothing for them. my friend did not feel flattered by the “compliment” - and we both felt disturbed that the guy and his friend were driving alongside as we were walking and for a couple of minutes it seemed they would not stop following us.
