Eyes Wide Open || Selfie
Children’s laughter rang through the air, Malinda’s voice among them as she sat on the swings, watching her brothers try to make each other sick on the merry go round. Her mother sat off to the side on a bench in the park, a small ways from the playground, and Malinda hopped down from her swing and ran over to her, climbing into her mom’s lap. Her mother looked down at her with a warm smile and pulled her into a snuggly hug, at which Malinda let out another peal of laughter. “Momma, can we get some ice cream today?” she asked, bouncing excitedly in her mother’s lap. Her mess of long dark waves fell into her face, and Aleena pushed her hair back with a smile. “How about we get some after we have dinner. You still wanted to go to that taco truck, didn’t you?” Malinda’s eyes widened at the mention of the taco truck, getting excited about it all over again. “Yeah! Everyone loves tacos, even sissy!” Elaine was known to be rather picky about what she put in her body, but tacos never failed to get her excited too. “Then we’ll do tacos and ice cream for dinner tonight, my little dormouse,” Aleena assured her daughter. “Just don’t tell your father or he’ll be so sad he missed out on it having to work late tonight,” she added in a conspiratorial tone. Malinda giggled and nodded once again before bounding back over to the playground to where her brothers had started tackling each other while Elaine sat off to the side, yelling at them to stop fighting...
The memory faded away, and once again Malinda was left in the darkness. This time it didn’t feel like a dream, it felt real, it felt tangible, it felt warm. She felt warm for the first time since she’d entered the forest the week and a half before. Outwardly, in St. Mungo’s, there was a sign that Malinda wasn’t as catatonic as she once had been, as tears started to fall down her cheeks. “Call in the healer, Joseph. Now.” Aleena moved from her seat by the window and came to perch on the edge of the bed, taking one of Malinda’s hands in hers. “Mally, honey? Can you hear me?”
“Maliumpkin!” Joseph boomed as he entered the home, the one they’d just moved into in a suburb of London. Boxes were still everywhere around the house, and each of the Upton children had only just claimed their bedrooms the week before, Malinda completely fine with getting the smallest one because in her opinion, it had the best view. She bounded down the hall and then the stairs to the front door to greet her father with as big of a hug as her little eleven year old body could manage. “Welcome home, Daddy!” she cried happily, the biggest smile on her face. “Guess what came in the mail today, honey,” her father said in an almost taunting tone, waving an envelope in the air. “Is it my letter?!” she all but shrieked and jumped up to try and reach the mail in her father’s hand. “Go get your mother first, then we can read it over together,” he instructed, and with an excited squeal, Malinda went bolting into the kitchen where her mother was cooking dinner and tugged on her apron. “Mom, mom, mom! Dad’s home! And my letter came! The one from Hogwarts!” Aleena knew exactly what letter it was that was coming, it was the reason they’d moved to London in the first place, and while she’d been a little worried about moving so far from their home, she was excited for her daughter to get seven years of schooling at what was argued to be the best wizarding school in the world. Being a muggle, Aleena didn’t really understand what the difference was, but she did like being closer to the school should anything happen. Having to send her older three children to Salem before they’d moved had been hard each year since it was so far from Amherst.
Malinda perched in a chair at the dining table, her feet on the seat and bouncing on the balls of her feet. Her knees bumped the edge of the table constantly as she tried to keep herself balanced, too excited to sit properly. Joseph placed the letter before her carefully and sat in the chair across from her, his wife taking the seat beside him. “Okay, you can open it now,” he said, and Malinda ever so carefully opened the seal and pulled the letter out, unfolding it even more carefully than the envelope, reading it to herself first then reading it aloud. With it was a list of the things she would need for school, and Malinda got excited all over again. “I get to get an owl!” She paused and looked at her parents with wide eyes. “I get an owl right?” Her father laughed lightly and looked over at his wife who looked rather perplexed. She’d never understood why witches and wizards had owls when the post worked just as well, but what was one more owl? Thankfully, Elaine had opted for the cat option, so there would only be three owls in the house instead of the four it could have been. “Yes, you get to get an owl. Hold on though, we can’t afford to get all new things, so you’ll have to use some of your siblings’ old books and things.” Her father’s warning fell on deaf ears, though, as Malinda was already jumping down from the chair and running back up the stairs to tell her Elaine all about her letter and what kind of owl she thought she should get.
“Mr. and Mrs. Upton, please calm down. I can see what you’re talking about, but there is nothing that I can do yet. Her vitals are still strong, and she is still doing well. Her brain activity is growing, her body just needs a little more time to catch up. Let me know when she starts moving, okay?” With that, the chief healer on Malinda’s case left the room with a small nod, leaving her parents in their distressed state. Joseph recovered first and rolled the chair over from the window beside Malinda’s bed, gently pushing his wife into the seat. Aleena’s gaze never once left her daughter, waiting for one sign or another that she was waking up. Her hand still squeezed Mal’s, but there was no squeezing back, her skin still as cold as it had been when they moved her to St. Mungo’s. The only sign of movement was the visible shiver that ran through her body, though the healers had already declared that a symptom of the dementor attack.
Malinda was fifteen and she had just seen her big sister graduate from Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Her spell was hardly impressive, and she swayed a bit on stage before being shuffled off and back into her seat while she waited for the rest of her class to finish their final examination. To her right, Malinda could hear hushed whispers of her parents, but she wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying. She was still staring in awe at her big sister. That was going to be her in two years. She was going to be sitting where Elaine sat, doing what Elaine did, and becoming an adult. She was scared and excited all at the same time. Elaine turned to look back at her family, and Malinda waved enthusiastically. She got nothing in return except a faint smile. It was like Elaine wasn’t even looking at her, like she was looking through her. She’d seen the same glassy look in her sister’s eyes a lot more often in the last six months than the last two years combined, but Malinda didn’t think there was anything wrong. There couldn’t be. Elaine was her big sister, she was almighty and strong and impressive and amazing and everything that Malinda wanted to be one day.
Malinda shivered in her seat, and she looked around again, wondering if anyone else had felt the cold that was starting to sink into her bones. This wasn’t right, there was something wrong. A little voice in the back of her head nagged at her to get the memory right, that there was something off about it, but Malinda genuinely couldn’t figure it out. Everything seemed normal, but the day wasn’t as happy as it should have been, it wasn’t as happy as Malinda remembered it to be. Maybe this was a dream after all. She stood from her seat and excused herself to go to the bathroom, and no one even looked in her direction. This was wrong…
In her room, Malinda’s brow furrowed just in the slightest, and if her mother hadn’t been looking at her so carefully, it probably would have gone unnoticed. Another few tears slipped free, and Aleena leaned up to wipe them from her face. “Joseph, should we get a nurse at least? I think she’s having some sort of fit in there,” she said worriedly, but her husband shook his head. “Give her time, Ally,” he reassured her, and stood behind her, gently massaging her shoulders, hoping that would make Aleena relax a little. For as worried as he was about his youngest daughter and now youngest child, Aleena was easily ten times as worried. It had been an hour from the first tears to the change in her facial expression, at this rate, logically, she wouldn’t be waking up for a while, and Joseph didn’t want to add more stress to the healers trying to wake her up or Malinda’s fragile state of mind and soul.
Time flashed again, and Malinda was standing in Hogsmeade. It was hotter than hell, and here she was, standing in a flannel and black jeans. What had she been thinking? Right. It was laundry day, and this was all she’d had available. “I know it’s summer and all, but we’re in the British Isles, isn’t it always supposed to rain? Where’s the cold?” she grumbled, rolling up her sleeves as she did so. “Seriously, could do with a little cold right now,” she heard a boy mutter, presumably meant to be under his breath, and she chuckled a bit. “I don’t think you sounded bitter enough there, buddy.” She shook her arms a bit to settle the sleeves and checked the time before looking back at him. “You wanna go get some ice cream or something? Cold to combat the unnecessary heat?” Food had been her number one priority after waking up from her nap and someone just as displeased with the weather as her had to be good enough company. “U-uhm...uhm sure,” came his answer finally. When he agreed, she smiled wider and nodded her head once in approval. “Great! I’ve been wanting to try out this cute little parlor for a while,” she said as she started down the street, waving for him to follow her. “I’m Malinda, by the way. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? My mom always told me you can a lot about a person by what kind of ice cream they like.”
The boy tugged at his sleeves a lot, but Malinda didn’t make a comment on it. “Oh, uhm, salted caramel,” he got out. “Salted caramel? Really? I definitely would have pegged you as a cookie dough or moose tracks guy. But salted caramel is definitely a good choice. Personally, I’m a big fan of birthday cake, but only when it’s not my unbirthday. On my birthday, anything with fudge or brownies is my favorite,” she responded cheerily. “Oh, uhm, I’m PJ...by the way…” It almost sounded like he wasn’t sure about his own name, and her head tilted a bit in interest. “PJ. Is that short for something or did your parents jump on the bandwagon a while ago with the two letter names that don’t actually stand for anything? Not that that’s a bad thing, of course, I’m just curious.” That was when she saw the sign for the ice cream parlor, and she got a bit of a skip to her step. “I’m really glad you agreed to come with me. Ice cream is so much better with company.” Malinda was getting a bit of a sense that she was kind of bombarding the boy with her presence, but he hadn’t run yet, so that had to be a good sign, right? “PJ is, uhm… They’re my initials. My, uhm...my full name is Pete Jeterson, but… everyone calls me PJ,” he explained, and she nodded her head. “Well it’s a pleasure to meet you, PJ.”
It was weird, this memory was more distant than the other once, more like a dream like the last one had been. Instead of Malinda seeing through her own eyes, she was watching it unfold before her as though she was just a spectator. It made her feel like she was watching someone else’s memories. Another shiver ran through her as she realised she was intruding on her own memories. She wanted to be a part of the scene that unfolded before her, she needed to be a part of the scene that unfolded before her. That was her memory, and it felt like it’d been ripped from her.
Another visible shiver ran through her body. It was happening more often now, and even Joseph had agreed with his wife and said that they should call in a nurse to keep an eye on her if she made any progress. It wasn’t much longer before Malinda’s hand twitched in her mother’s. “I’m going to go get the healer, Mrs. Upton,” she assured Aleena before she had a chance to say anything and darted out. “It looks like she might be waking up, honey,” Joseph said reassuringly, taking a seat in his seat again. He was visibly relaxing, glad that something finally seemed to be going right after nearly two weeks of no information. Aleena, however, was more alert than ever, making mental notes of any changes that happened in her daughter.
Malinda needed to wake up, she was sure of it. This was all a dream, it wasn’t memories anymore. They weren’t hers, there was something wrong. She knew her sister’s graduation had been nothing but happiness, she remembered her father being there in the park with them and for tacos and ice cream later that night. She remembered zero hesitation in her parents’ eyes when she asked about owl. They were the smallest details, but she knew they were wrong. Deep down, she knew. If she hadn’t felt so disconnected, she wouldn’t have thought to delve deeper, but there was something wrong with the latest memory. It was right, there weren’t any inconsistencies, but it hadn’t been hers. She had just watched it happen. She needed to wake up, she didn’t want to be here anymore.
She closed her eyes tight and waited a few seconds, hoping that when she opened them again, she’d be in the real world again and she wouldn’t be stuck in her own head anymore. But instead of being awake, she was in the dress she’d worn to the Wizard Olympics Ball, the one that was far too stuffy, but honestly, it did look good. She made her way toward the hall where it was being held and met PJ just before heading it. “You, uhm, you look good,” he commented with the smallest hint of a smile, to which Malinda nodded her thanks and responded in kind. As they headed inside, he felt like too many eyes were on her all at once, and she wanted to shy away, hide against the wall and drink everything that was in the flask hidden in her purse. She’d come here for PJ, and she’d be damned if she left him alone. Besides, he didn’t seem to be all that opposed to spending time with her. Standing off to the side honestly felt more awkward than being in the middle of everything, so they made their way out to the dancefloor. It was clear that PJ was in his head still, but Malinda was determined to try and get him out and into the real world with the rest of them. “So how are you faring with all of this?” she asked, hoping that talking would help bring him to the present. “Honestly? Not great, but I’m making it work,” he assured her as they continued to move to the music. It was hardly the first time they’d spent time together, but for some reason, it felt different this time. She felt more at ease and relaxed around him, and more like everything was starting to fall into place. It was like she’d all but forgotten that he could die still in this stupid tournament. For a brief, beautiful moment, it was just the two of them, talking, smiling, dancing. And then he took her hand. He took her hand. And Malinda felt her heart swell in her chest. The PJ she had met only a month or so before had grown to trust her and be her closest friend. And deep down, a part of her acknowledged more.
“It feels good to do what you want, doesn’t it?” she asked as they escaped the stuffiness of the ball and headed outside. “What do you want to do now?” Malinda looked at him expectantly and a bit hopeful, looking forward to spending the rest of the evening with him. Except he wasn’t looking at her. He wasn’t holding her hand anymore, he’d pulled away completely. And when he did look at her, she wilted. There, plain as day on his face, was the expression she’d seen before from a few people when she’d first started going to school. That she was “less than” because of her family’s middle class status or the impurity of her blood or the reputation that her siblings had left behind them. “We can’t be friends, Malinda. Do you have any idea how much of a mistake it was for me to be seen dancing with you tonight? It was because I pity you, of course. It’s not your fault you were born a halfblood.” It was PJ’s voice, but it wasn’t his words, Malinda was sure of it. But the words had sliced her so deeply, she couldn’t even look at him anymore. She looked to her feet and nodded, as though what he said made total and complete sense. “I just...never thought you’d be the type of person to say these things. Peej, we’re friends,” she pleaded before she could think. “I can’t say what you want me to. Goodbye, Malinda,” he responded without any emotion in his voice, turning on his heel and walking back into the hall, leaving her alone in a dress she hadn’t wanted to wear and shoes that were killing her feet.
Malinda could feel the hot tears running down her cheeks, but she ignored them, looking after PJ for a moment before turning and running in the opposite direction, losing her heels a few steps in. She abandoned them, not caring if she lost them forever, needing to just run. Run fast and run hard and pretend this had never happened. The voice in the back of her head nagged at her again, reminding her it was just a dream, it wasn’t real, but it had felt so real. His words rang in her ears and broke her heart. But if it wasn’t real, why couldn’t she wake up?
Again, she closed her eyes, willing herself to wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up!
Malinda bolted upright in her bed, her breathing uneven and coming more in heaves than breaths, not even aware of the fact that tears were still falling down her cheeks. It took her a few moments to realise that she wasn’t in Hogsmeade anymore or on Hogwarts grounds or at her family home. Where was she? It looked like a hospital room...smelled like a hospital room. She turned her head to look around her and was shocked at the sight of her parents standing at the edge of the bed. “Mally, honey, we were so worried about you!” her mother cried before throwing her arms around her daughter and holding on tightly. Malinda was still shocked, but held onto her mother just as tightly. “Could someone maybe tell me what happened?” she managed to get out weakly.
