Now It’s Time to Leave and Turn to Dust || Self
Right now was a surprisingly light time for grading. Of course, with final exams coming up for most of the students, that wasn’t really surprising. Right after their most intense experience was the most intense time for all the teachers as they tried to finish grading in time to submit all of the grades and figure out who was passing, who would get to sign up for the class next year, and who wouldn’t. Jock had told him to take advantage of his last remaining bit of freedom before he would be staring at horrible student hand writing for hours on end. He hadn’t felt like arguing.
He was doing…ok right now. Maybe it wasn’t as good as he would like to be, and certainly nowhere near where Daisy wanted him to be. He smiled softly to himself as he thought about her most recent letter. Yet again, she was ranting about the lack of inventing she was hearing about, and how he needed to get over his problem and ask for help if he was going to be so stubborn and self sacrificing. If he didn’t do something soon, she would.
He didn’t really see it as self sacrificing. It was just a phase, and it hardly effected other people if it never went anywhere. But he had no doubt at all that Daisy would take it upon herself to try something if he didn’t do something to please her. So, instead, he compromised.
Sitting in the library, he stared at notebook after notebook after notebook. Every page was full of ideas, designs, notes, and tests. Some inventions had dozens of versions with different modifications, others only had one or two before he had deemed them good enough to test. The date and time of each test, each minor change, were listed out neatly, and through it he could follow the growth of his thought process. It was the one aspect of his life that was scrupulously organized. Looking at it was…satisfying. Satisfying was the best word for it.
Just looking through the notebook had rusted wheels in Flik’s brain beginning to turn. This year, he had done a lot of reading, and despite his best efforts, he kept drifting to books about mechanics. First to help Jock with his projects, and then out of his own quietly desperate interest. But all of that meant that he had a full year’s worth of very specific knowledge more than he’d had before, and he found himself reaching for his pencil. Of course he could see those issues now – it was so clear. All he’d needed was new knowledge.
Maybe…maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to try again. Maybe all he’d needed was a break to learn a little more, and then he would be able to do his inventions right. If he could get even one of them right and get it patented, he might be able to start making an independent living. He didn’t necessarily need one for financial reasons, not with his family being what they were. But he did for his pride. Perhaps he could do it through his inventions after all.
Smiling to himself, brain working faster and faster as if the thought alone had unlocked an oil blowout of ideas, he scrambled to make his hand keep up. Maybe he could test one of these in his old workroom, it was bound to still be there, and it would be safe enough to test it there before he went home –
The bookshelf next to Flik exploded, tossing him sideways. Dimly, through the ringing in his ears, he heard several other explosions going off. People screaming. Heavy wood crashing to the ground. More screaming. So many screams.
Flik knelt on the ground, staring at the torn remains of his notebooks. He was unhurt. Other than the ringing in his hears, he could tell that he was completely fine. But he could still hear the screaming.
Of course, wasn’t it always this way? The only time Flik was the one hurt was when he was by himself. Otherwise, it was always someone else. Someone who had just happened to be there. Who Flik had hurt because he was stupid and careless and for some reason thought that he could create something useful for people without it going all wrong. He tried to satisfy his own pride, and other people always paid the price.
It didn’t occur to Flik that it might not actually be his fault. He couldn’t make the mental connection between all of the other events that had happened this year, and this newest shocking tragedy. It didn’t even occur to him that this explosion was on a scale far grander than the ones that had ever happened around him, so for once it might not have anything to do with him. All he knew was that there was an explosion, there were people screaming, and every other time this had happened near him, it had been somehow his fault.
Part of Flik was crying out to help. He was a TA, but more than that, who he was at his core was someone who wanted to be useful. But if he had truly been the cause of this, the worst thing he could do would be to go near any of those people now.
No. He needed to leave. Not just the library – the castle. He needed to leave it all behind. And go somewhere where nobody could be hurt by him ever again.
Filled with frantic purpose, Flik turned and bolted towards the library exit, stepping on the destroyed remnants of his notebooks and grinding them to dust accidentally as he did so. Holding his breath, he raced around broken bookshelves and through the dusty air until he made it to the entrance. A few other students had already stumbled out there, coughing hard and clutching each other as they stared around in confusion. When they saw the way he was moving, they moved out of the way. They probably thought he was running to get the professors for help. They had no idea he was doing something much more important.
Flik raced back to his small room and immediately started shoving clothes into a bag, mostly at random. His books, empty notebooks, camera, and the toolset Daisy had given him for his 14th birthday followed them into the bag. At the last minute, he reached for his photo box and paused. He wouldn’t really need all of these in the forest. And he had mostly been taking them for Daisy. It would be better to leave them here so someone could get the letters to her. Then they could all have something to remember him by.
In the confusion that was bound to result from all of this, no one would miss her for awhile. He could afford a moment longer. He scribbled out a note to Jock – he could drop it off under his door as he was leaving – so the man wouldn’t worry about Flik. He had been an incredible mentor, and was something almost like a friend. It felt a little wrong to be leaving him so close to the end of the year without really finishing his commitments, but Flik knew he couldn’t stay any longer. It was better for him too if Flik left. But maybe he could send the pictures to Daisy for Flik. That would be good.
There were some other people he wanted to write to, but he wouldn’t send those until he was safely away from the castle. He couldn’t risk anyone stopping him. So that meant he had to go now.
The one regret he really had was Scarlett. Whatever was between them, his heart wanted to stay and explore it. He wanted to tell her that around her, he felt more alive than he had since he’d stopped inventing. She made him think, she made him laugh, she made him pay attention. She made him better. And maybe it was wrong, and it was all going to end badly as she so often said, but he hadn’t cared. He’d wanted to build something with her for as long as he could. The fact that this was for her benefit too was cold comfort. But it would have to do.
Taking one last look around his room, Flik turned and walked quickly towards the exit of the castle. He didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t know how he would survive. But none of that