i like pain so would you consider doing angst with no comfort for cloud or sephiroth ❤️🌝
dependedent | cloud strife ☁️
summary: “He used to be the one that would pick you up whenever life knocked you off your feet. His smile would be your haven, your oasis in the middle of this desert of death, hopelessness, and misery.”
contents: sfw/nsfw! cloud strife x fem reader, angst & lots of it, traumatized reader, nightmares, smut (alt ending), p in v nothing crazy, sephiroth is a menace, tifa my beloved is mentioned, alternate endings.
authors note: thank you for requesting this <3 i made an alternate ending for those who might want a “wholesome ending,” you can read up to a certain point if you wanna ignore any instances of comfort though!
His eyes used to light up before. They used to burst with life, with hope. He used to be the one that would pick you up whenever life knocked you off your feet. His smile would be your haven, your oasis in the middle of this desert of death, hopelessness, and misery. Wrapping his arms around your body, you’d lay your head on his chest, focus on the steady beat of his heart and remind yourself that he was still there. He used to be your refuge in the middle of the chaos.
When the thoughts became too much, when the screams were thick on your memories, when your eyes fogged up with the tears you let out because you could not stand it anymore, he was the one who would let you sleep in his bed. He’d press his lips to your forehead. His words would soothe you as your sobs would dissipate in the night air, leaving only his whispers against your skin.
Cloud loved you more than anything. He had shown you time and time again. He’d demonstrate it in the soft smile that would be permanently etched on his features when you would enter the room he was in.
He’d show it to you whenever he’d reach over to your seat and grab your hand, bringing it up to his lips. He loved you. It was more than enough proof when he lost his shit as he saw you laying there on the street, tormented by the flames and echoing words of Sephiroth as your town was set ablaze.
He laid with you for days after that. His hips attached themselves to yours and all you saw and heard was him. His hands would constantly touch your skin, they’d make contact just to assure himself that you were truly there with him. His presence intermingled with yours until there was a point that you were convinced that if he wasn’t there, you didn’t truly exist.
You became dependent on him, just like he became dependent on you. Until the day Cloud came tumbling to your door. In his head he needed to leave you behind this time. Not wanting anyone to accompany him. He just didn’t want to risk your life. But still he promised you that he’d be back.
“I’ll find a way around this,” he whispered against your temple, his warm hand pressed against your nape.
You had grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to your body. You threatened to leave him if he walked out your door, but he had only shook his head. “I have to do this..” he looked back, tears threatening to fall over. You had slammed the door in his face, anger fueling your movements. All you could do was worry for Cloud out there fighting Sephiroth all alone without help.
“He’s gone.” Tifa whispered as you ushered her in, looking behind her body. Maybe he had hidden behind just to surprise you.
You were speechless at her words.
“He’s gone,” Tifa reiterated. She sobbed into her hands as she collapsed and all you could do was fall down with her. Tifa’s frame suddenly melted in your arms as you comforted her, simultaneously trying to keep yourself together.
“That monster ripped him to shreds,” her voice was close to being unintelligible, yet they were clear enough for you to grasp their meaning and put two and two together.
Cloud Strife had broken his promise to you.
Tifa had later ran out of tears, you made her tea to comfort her with a soft hand on her back and the silence that she needed. You knew she had been blaming herself and part of you wanted to blame her for it, but you knew that Tifa would have done the same if it had been the other way around. Even you would have made the same exact choice.
It was in a split second that it all came crumbling down for you. The conversation with Tifa had somehow gotten lighter. She had made a joke, to which you automatically turned to your right. Cloud usually sat there when all three of you were together. You’d banter with eachother as Cloud snickered. That slight smile on his face the whole time. But there was no smile to make you laugh even harder. There was just an empty chair.
The cracks withing you grew bigger, they gave way to the dam inside of you. It broke through as your voice sounded out in pain. Your body gave up trying to hold itself as you felt your lungs constrict, your heart suddenly empty. The void inside you felt unbearable as the tears made it impossible to see. Your throat couldn’t stop the sobs from pouring out.
Gentle arms wrapped around your trembling body and for a second you felt your hopes rise. But just as quick they were destroyed. Tifa’s voice was the one soothing you, not Cloud’s. The pain was increased tenfold and there was nowhere to refuge yourself. Your haven had abandoned you.
Tifa remained with you for weeks. She’d be your silent companion as you found that you were unable to mend yourself back together. She eventually left, offering no explanation as she simply walked out the door. You were too occupied attempting to grasp your sanity from falling over the abyss to even notice her absence.
The days meshed into a single mess of sobs, nightmares, and shortness of breath whenever he came up in your thoughts. You’d lie in bed all day, your memories of his teasing blue orbs giving you some type of reason to keep breathing.
Then slowly, the days became a little brighter. The blur you saw began to dissipate. It was hard to see at first, but you realized that you’d get out of bed with less difficulty, bringing yourself to at least help in research of Sephiroth’s whereabouts as the town rebuilt. You’d no longer just stare at the wall for hours, instead finding shelter in books and computers.
After the third month of Cloud’s absence, you went on your first outing. Just to pick up some essentials. Your diet hadn’t been the best. The town still had remnants of ash and debris all around but the sun had come out, and there were people all around helping each other.
Everything felt hazy suddenly, you stood in front of the very place Sephiroth had hurt you. Trembling in broad daylight, you couldn’t move. Your mind just replayed that horrible night, as your body ached remembering how painful it was.
People by their storefronts noticed and started to worry. They fawned over you as if you were a kid who had just broken her arm. There were a series of “Are you okay?” and “It’ll be alright,” until you screamed at everyone, begging for them to leave you alone.
Without a single word, you dusted yourself off, ignoring the black and gray ash on your hands and clothes, walking back to your house. It was nothing short of a miracle that you got home unscathed. The tears made it almost unmanageable for you to see the sidewalk, yet somehow you treaded up to your front door, stumbling inside.
The wall you had begun to build up had dissolved, leaving only hurt behind. Your arms wrapped around your form, trying to recreate the sensation of having him embrace you. But nothing, no one, could ever replace him. You knew that very well.
Cloud wasn’t coming back and neither was Tifa. The one person who caused all of this, the one you despised the most, would eventually make his way to you to finish the job.
Were you scared? A little. Yeah you were. But a part of you wished he’d appear at your door now to just get it over with. The looming thought of being pierced with his sword making you shiver.
A month went by. You forced yourself back up, urging your own body to carry on. Until…
There was a knock at your door. You had been cooking yourself some lunch, music on full blast as you swayed your body to the rhythm in what most would call an embarrassing dance. You had set up the table when the knocking made you snap your head up, body immediately on alert.
You warily opened the door, only to have your jaw drop to the ground.
“Hey, you.” his small smile greeted you, arms outstretched. “Missed me?”
The door slammed in his face. There was no other reaction in you but that. Your heart seemed to want to crawl its way out of your chest and your tears were already threatening to spill over. You knew that you couldn’t fully trust him. This could be one of Sephiroth’s tricks right? Nothing, no one, could do that. Could just comeback like that? If they did, they surely had to be a figment of your imagination.
However, you couldn’t help your hand from reaching out, turning the doorknob, seeing his disappointed face light up in a soft smile that you immediately noticed didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Every instinct inside of you screamed at your body as it plummeted into his opened arms. You were supposed to really look at him for any kind of abnormality. Yet you found yourself burying your face into his chest, inhaling his scent and realizing Cloud was still Cloud.
His chest moved under your touch as he chuckled, for the first time feeling lighter. He had this feeling deep inside that you weren’t going to be there to greet him when he knocked on your door. But despite the bad thoughts, you were actually in his arms. They squeezed around you and you sobbed out your ecstasy at having him surround your space.
There was a fleeting moment where you felt him pull away and your heart jumped in panic, but his hands cupped around your face and his lips met yours. It was a hungry, yearning kiss. His teeth sought out your bottom lip and bit down, demanding access to your mouth. You granted it with no regards to anything but to feel Cloud sear himself into every part of your body.
His body moved against yours, slowly stepping back until you both collapsed on the couch in a heap of limbs, grins, and kisses. His lips left yours, trailing across your cheek and heat emanated from every inch of skin his mouth touched. You could feel your body responding to him, legs squeezing around his hips to bring him closer as his fingers clawed at your clothes, desperate to get them off you.
In a flurry of garments flying and rustling to get in comfortable positions, he entered you. His hips moved with fervor, desperate to bring the both of you to the brink of orgasm. You shook underneath him, the pleasure and disbelief in actually having him back in your arms overwhelming you.
Cloud was also unable to pull himself together as his length drove into you in erratic jerks, his body flushed against yours as skin slapped together, the sound of you becoming one again with your soulmate filling the room until everything became Cloud. You couldn’t help the tears from escaping, running down on either sides of your head as you met his blue ones. He smiled tenderly as it hit him that you were crying.
There was a flash of blood, screams, agony in Cloud’s memory and his thrusts missed a beat as he reined in his memories and forced them to disappear to a corner of his mind. You saw the panic flash in his eyes, your own reciprocating it. Yet, he shook his head, eyes disappearing as he shut his lids and crashed his mouth down on yours.
He bit down roughly, hips driving into you so hard that your own lifted from sheer force. His teeth pulled at your bottom lip and you whimpered, the pleasure melding with the pain until you couldn’t hold yourself back anymore.
Your orgasm fired right through every one of your nerve endings. Cloud followed shortly, groaning into your ear as his body collapsed on top of yours.
The seconds seemed to stretch into an eternity you never wanted to leave. His breath matched yours as the wheezing pants slowly dissipated, turning into disbelieving sighs. His blue eyes met yours and you could see the tiny scars on his face, too unique to not be his. Cloud’s lips upturned in a wide-set grin.
“It’s really you,” your voice broke, your hand rising to cup his jaw.
“Hey,” he spoke lowly, as if afraid that words might fail him in keeping his composure. “You really did miss me.”
A sob escaped your mouth before you could realize it and your arms coiled themselves around his shoulder as you brought him down. He collapsed with a huff on you, his bare body pressing against your feverish skin.
Yet his eyes never broke contact with yours. Your heart wrenched inside your chest as you realized that the happiness that he felt in being back with you wasn’t the only emotion present in them.
There was agony, misery, hopelessness, a sense of despair. You knew that Cloud had felt raw pain in its entirety, his eyes bared it all to you. The moment carried more intimacy than the previous ones as you felt moisture hit your cheeks.
“Oh, baby,” you pressed your lips to his eyelids as the tears didn’t stop, sobs wracking his body.
“You,” Cloud struggled for breath as the droplets fell from his eyes to your cheeks. “You were what kept me from going insane. You were my only hope,” he whispered. His eyes slowly opened and you saw just how badly he was broken. Your haven, your refuge in the dark, it had cracked and broken to countless pieces.
“You were my place of peace,” he confessed. “It was you. Not Tifa, not anyone.”
“Okay, okay,” he was shaking now and you shushed him gently, your heart breaking with every one of his cries.
He stayed in your arms for hours. It had been midday when he had walked into your home and darkness enveloped the room when he finally stood up and pulled you with him. He led the way to your bedroom, tucking the both of you in and pressing you into his chest. His legs tangled with yours and you hummed softly as you felt him fall asleep.
The nightmares woke you up. His cries were agonizing as he thrashed around, limbs flying as he called out for help, your name and Tifa’s mixing with his pleas for mercy. You shook him awake and like a child, he laid his head on your shoulder and wailed. You hoped that your presence could somehow soothe him, your hand stroking his blonde spikey hair a reminder of just how much you yearned to come to his aid.
It took him a while to fall back asleep, letting himself be lulled by the beating of your heart. His arms were tight around your hips, a desperate attempt to convince himself that hell had passed, that he was in his own paradise now.
Yet the nightmares ceased to be only when he was asleep as time moved on. They began to crack through as you playfully slapped his shoulder for teasing you. They showed their crude face when some car behind him would sound the horn because he wouldn’t move from the stop sign since he was too busy poking fun at you.
Using all his energy to control the flashbacks would overpower the pleasant moments he had with you until the tiny speck of light that had been left in his eyes finally disappeared.
Cloud had changed. Hope had forsaken him.
first time writing angst. hope i did it justice. 😭
