#finding my mojo

[runveganwankerrun]

Sun 27th April '25

I did it! It was bloody tough, but once I was at forty minutes, I was pretty sure I'd do the whole seventy. I told myself that so long as I did more than sixty, I'd be happy, but once I hit 60, I knew I'd do the full seventy. I just kept shuffling forward. One foot in front of the other. It wasn't as slow as it felt. Longest run in ages.

It was a lovely morning.

[runveganwankerrun]

Sat 3rd May '25

I took the long way to parkrun for barcode scanning. It was relatively comfortable. It wasn't easy, but at no point did I feel I couldn't do it. I can honestly say that I'm starting to feel like my old self. Even as I changed direction, and could see my shadow, I didn't feel as if it looked too shuffly. At times, I even felt quite strong.

It was odd, running so much of the ring road. Four roundabouts felt like old times. I was going to do the fifth one, but that would have taken the distance to about ten and a half km. If I'd planned to run for eighty minutes, I might have managed that. A couple of cars beeped at me. It made me wonder. Who sees you, when you're out running? You could genuinely be inspiring someone. They see a runner who's not slim, fast or athletic looking, and they could think, "I could do that!"

I think I might be getting over feeling self conscious too. I think that's amazing, after only three months. I'm even starting to feel like less of a fraud when I volunteer at parkrun. I'm a runner again. My mood is high today, aided and abetted by great weather, and the promise of more as the week goes on.

[runveganwankerrun]

Tue 6th May '25

As far as food is concerned, it feels as if I've become a bit complacent. It's as if I believe I can eat less carefully because I'm running again. If I could just eat a bit less at meal times. My portions control is for shit. And I'm not even telling myself to stick to MyFitnessPal's 1200 cals per day. I'd be happy with 1600!

Bring it on today!

Later that same day...

Hot and sunny! 🌞 This was one of those runs that felt like my progress had gone one step forward, two steps back. It was a slog from 500m in. That was mainly down to the route I chose. After 500m, there was a lot of upwardly flat for 1.5km, then there was a bit more, then a bit more! I kept telling myself I could stop after 4k, but I knew I'd be disappointed in myself if I didn't complete 5k. So I did the ploddy 5k and was glad I did.

I wore the Bearhug knee support, as per, on the left knee. But as has been the case recently, as soon as I stopped, the right knee went a bit weak, and went "watery" every few steps. It's an odd feeling, like you've hit your funny bone. Also (God, I'm a crock!) there was a slight pull a few times, on my right calf. More shit to look out for. I'm fucking falling apart! 😆

[runveganwankerrun]

Hello again, hello!

Fri 30th May '25

I can't believe it's been a fortnight! How does that happen? Tempus fugit alright.

I stopped, intending it to be for a few days, because I was fed up with constantly whinging on about how hard I was finding running. Yap yap yap. It's so ploddy, my legs are so heavy, blah blah blah.

None of that has changed, especially this week, when I've had a couple of "two steps back" sort of days, but I had to get back on the horse of talking about it. I've continued to make wee notes on my garmin activities, so I remember how each day has gone. I can see, for example, that last Saturday I had a great 7.2k run to parkrun. It took nearly 53 mins and wasn't easy, but it was doable. Also worthy of note is the fact that I started a twelve week garmin generated 10k programme, and there's only one run left on it. On Sunday, I'm scheduled to run the last run, a 10k. I'm a bit nervous about it. I reckon it'll take at least an hour and fifteen. Easy and slow and it'll get done.

Today was RED113. It was ploddy. There! I said it! It was still fucking ploddy, but I am coming round to the idea that I survive each run one step forward at a time. And it gets done. Here's a pic of a poppy, growing in a crack in the pavement.

My running club asked me to be featured member of the month, which entails answering ten questions about my running experience. I felt a little guilty, as I haven't been attending club training sessions, but I did it anyway. It made me remember what I love about running with the club and made me think of various things I've done though it. Also, while I'm not at training, I'm still attending committee meetings and I'm still very visible at parkrun. I'm also most people's first point of contact, as membership secretary. I am still definitely contributing. So yes, I was happy to be featured member of the month. I can't believe I've been a member for nearly eight years now.

The questions were

1. What inspired you to join our running club?

Believe it or not, it was a Scrabo Strider! I'd spoken to a guy through a FB running page, and he told me about a new club that had started up, right on my doorstep. I did Ards Half that year, 2017, and spoke to him in person. Of course, it took me a few weeks to get up the nerve to join, and then only when my partner came along with me.

2. How did you get started with running, and what has your journey been like so far?

It's been like a good race, undulating! It started as a weight loss thing, then I did Belfast marathon in 2015 and didn't run a step for a year afterwards. Got back into it, did Belfast 2017, and Ards Half. Then joined WPR, which changed things completely, giving me a taste for races and getting PBs. I’ve had times when I’m totally gung-ho, and times of absolutely no motivation. Running friends always help during the mojo-less times.

3. What do you enjoy most about being part of a running community?

I love that I can go to almost any race or parkrun, and I’ll know someone. There’s nothing like knowing loads of people during a race and having them shout for you as you run.

4. Can you share a memorable experience or achievement you've had since joining the club?

My favourite memory is of being in the relay of a 24-hour event in Victoria Park. We set up our gazebo and a camp for the overnight running. We each ran in two-hour stints, rested for six hours, then ran again. Each of the team had three stints. The gazebos were like a wee village, there were hundreds of runners constantly milling about, and there was all night music. What’s not to love?

5. What advice would you give to someone considering joining a running club for the first time?

I’d say do it! I love going for a solo run to get my head showered, but it’s great to add the chance to meet up with other like-minded people and all do the thing that we love together.

6. How do you think being part of a running club has impacted your motivation and performance?

It improved my performance without me even thinking about it. I went from a 4:22 marathon in 2017 to a 3:46 in 2018. It introduced me to types of running/training that I’d never have considered and even if I’d thought of them, I would never have pushed myself when I’m alone the way I would when I’m at a club session.

7. What are your running goals, and how do you think our club can help you achieve them?

Currently, I’ve no particular distances left that I want to do. With no races in mind, I just want to enjoy running. Running with my club mates will definitely help me with that.

8. How do you feel about the social aspect of the club? Have you made any new friends since joining?

It’s great when the club organises something extra, as well as training sessions. Along with get togethers that we have, to mark our club birthday, and special runs for Christmas and Halloween (when I enjoy the option of dressing up) we’ve had a formal dinner dance, a quiz night and drinks after races. I have made friends that I even socialise with, outside of running. Of course, we always end up talking about running!

9. What would you say to someone who is hesitant about joining a running club due to their skill level?

There’s no need to be hesitant. Clubs will have people of all abilities, and there are bound to be members there at your level. Even if there aren’t, the social side of joining a club makes training much more fun than running alone all the time.

10. Lastly, what is one thing you wish everyone knew about our running club?

Leading on from the last question, people should know that being nervous about joining a club is totally unnecessary. We really do have all ages and abilities and don’t mind why you want to join, whether it’s to get faster or to make your running more sociable. Don’t be like me and put off joining for weeks because you’re nervous. Failing that, make a friend/partner/child join with you!

Well, that was all a bit wordy. That's enough of a catch up. I definitely feel better when I blog about shit.

[runveganwankerrun]

Sat 17th May '25

RED 100! One hundred days of running every day!

Legs felt heavy from the start this morning, yet average pace was faster than normal. Weird when that happens. I'm hoping that despite running every day, the legs will get used to it and feel a bit lighter.

Knees felt good. Bearhug knee support today.

[runveganwankerrun]

Mon 28th Apr '25

Warm but dull today. The weather, not me! The major decision was 4 or 5k. Decided on five. Why not? It went okay. Slowish, but good after the seventy minute run yesterday. Let's face it, this time three months ago, 20 minutes was a problem.

Bearhug knee support today. That's on my left knee. I had a niggly right knee today as well. It was mild and didn't hurt per se, but it didn't go away till about 2k in. Need to watch out for that.

[runveganwankerrun]

Sat 26th Apr '25

I bought one of those bullet blenders a few months ago and have gotten into making a smoothie every other day of so. Fruit, nuts or seeds, sometimes ginger, and either turmeric, lionsmane, spirulina or something else of that ilk.

Trot to parkrun for barcode scanning today. Week three of my club, Ward Park Runners, parkrun championship, and bonus points for wearing items beginning with W, P and R. I decided to go for the understated look. A green wig, pyjamas and a huge ring. I made a lot of the runners smile. I'll take that! 😊

It's amazing how clever the body is. When I hit my pissed-offness is directly proportional to the length of the run. If I go a bit longer, I'll be pissed off after three of four k, but today, knowing it would only be 4k, I was pissed off after 2k.

It was a bit mizzly but very mild, so not bad conditions to run in. 4k as an easy run after the effort of yesterday and before a longer run tomorrow. It felt ploddy, but the figures aren't especially slow.

[endofapaige]

The Year So Far and More on Me

So, I never really got my mojo back, I still don’t, I still find this whole writing activity more of a chore than fun. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today, you’ve heard this story before time and time again.

A lot has gone on I think, between then, the start of the year where I was unemployed and miserable to now. Not that I’m not still a bit miserable, but that’s mental health baby, I’ll get into that in a bit too.

Let’s jump back to January, shall we? It seems like forever ago now, but at the time I was frantically searching for something to give my life purpose. I’d not long dropped out of my university course; I had returned home, back to living on my parents’ schedule with all of my friends dotted around the country now or too busy with their own lives to drop everything to keep me company as I go through the most aggressive feeling of uselessness I have ever felt in my life. All the while I was jumping in and out of fuelling my body with hormones as I played trial and error with contraception.

It wasn’t all bad though! Jack and I had each other and it wasn’t too long until I was in the my first ever full time office job. I got lucky with Complesso, even now I refer to it as a ‘unicorn job’. I entered the corporate world into a job I was actually good at, surrounded by people who made me feel like I had been there forever and didn’t make me feel so much like the inexperienced kid I was when I started. I do find it odd I suppose that I would consider a lot of these people I work with better friends than many of my peers I have come across through education. Complesso has done a lot for me, of course the income side of things, having money to spend definitely helps, but my confidence has sky rocketed since the blow of university and it provided a very good distraction from the feeling of uselessness and the rising anxiety I developed while living away from home.

It’s all still there, the mental health issues I’ve been trying to and will probably continue to ignore. That’s been another very prevalent lesson over the last year or so while trying to juggle adult life and an adult relationship, that maybe I’m not as okay as I was sure I was at school. Of course, the awareness of ADHD and Autism has become a big thing online recently it’s hard not to start relating that to yourself. But the more of life I experience and the more I analyse how I react to things, complicated emotions to very simple situations, I do start to wonder if I’m on the spectrum in some respect and have some form of anxiety, and the more I research the more I do relate. It’s not something I talk about with people at all, which is strange for me as I have never been able to keep my emotions to myself, but that’s another thing that makes me think I could be. But it’s hard to turn around to your parents and off the bat spurt out ‘I think I might be autistic.’

It's been the last couple of weeks in particular that have been really hard. Jack and I are both attempting university again at the same time this year. And I have found it beyond hard to come to terms with the fact that plans change and people cancel and just because they have said something, it doesn’t mean they will do that exactly if at all. I have always struggled around people, yes, my confidence is much better than it was. I can get on a bus alone, I can leave the house without supervision, I can order coffee in a coffee shop without breaking down in tears in the queue. I can even initiate conversation a lot better than I used to, however I still struggle to maintain that and if I don’t instantly feel like the other person likes me as much as I like them, I take that to heart. Because of this, me making friends never really feels like making friends more so acquaintances that are there when they need me but aren’t much more beyond that. It’s a very pessimistic approach to people and life, but I cannot seem to tell my brain that those thoughts are wrong even though my rationality knows this. Have I convinced you I’m autistic yet?

Enough on me and my inner workings for a second, I’m beyond excited to be back into education. Learning, researching, and writing has always been the only think I find continuously enjoyable in life, but I never seem to have the motivation to do this off my own back. I’m excited to challenge myself again, as much as I enjoy my job, excel spreadsheets are horribly mind-numbing. I’m hoping university will stick much better than it did last year, my approach is different this year. I am at home instead of in Halls, and I’m going to focus solely on academics rather than getting too caught up on the social side of things that left me so depressed and isolated last year.

On the surface of things, this year has been incredible. I went abroad for the first time without my parents, I have seen almost every single one of my favourite bands in concert now, and even more to come in the next 12 months. While I admit a lot of the friends I had last year I have lost contact with, I still have a good portion of people around me that I adore, a couple very new and equally important to me than the ones that have been around forever. It’s my mission to make the most of the people still around me and maybe as I go through university this group will expand, but I’ve learnt now that I cannot force friends and if I try I leave myself more upset than I was before.

I achieved one of my biggest goals this year too, I finally passed my driving test. Something that was a very long time coming and I admit I still hate it as much as I did when I first started. But I have that certificate now, I don’t have the stress of trying to pass and hate it, I can just hate it and not do it. I also got my first tattoo. A little line-art book on my wrist. Reading and writing has always been something that’s been near and dear to my heart regardless of how often I actually do it. I want more, things that nod to the franchises that have shaped my personality. I have an idea for the next one but I worry I only like it because it reminds me of Jack and I’ve never been a fan of getting permanent reminders of people in my life. My cynical side worries too much of the memories it would bring if the person left one day.

Jack and I are doing well though. As I write this it’s just under two weeks until our one year anniversary and we are talking seriously about ways we could move in together. It’s hard with us to actually pinpoint the start of our relationship because we were more than friends for a good while before we made it official. Do you guys remember the ‘it’s messy but we’re happy’? I’m way happier now it’s not messy I’ll be perfectly honest. But no, I still very much value his position in my life and I still adore everything about him. I never realised how nice it would be to have a second support system outside of my own family, but the longer Jack and I have been together the more I value his parents as vital figures in my life along with my own. I’m not replacing my parents by any means; they are still my all-time best friends but it’s so lovely being considered family to them though Jack and I haven’t been together all that long.

I’m not really sure what this post was. A way to rant after an incredibly emotionally hard week? A reminder to myself to value myself and the people I already have in my life rather than searching for more and leaving myself heartbroken? An excuse to give my parents an insight into my brain when I find talking about it out loud so hard? I’m not really sure, however it was nice to sit and write again and chat about how I’m doing. I’m going to join my University newspaper this year I think, give myself an excuse to write actual articles and form a portfolio instead of handing a future employer an archive of emotional rants about my mental state. I’m sure they’d love it but it’s probably not the conversation topic and writing style professionals are searching for. Things are hard right now, and I really struggle which change and adapting, but I’ll get there. For now I will continue to overcompensate by spending an awful amount of money on things I don’t need and attempting to drown my sorrows in coffee. Until next time…