In the Fire?
I struggle. Gosh, I really struggle. I’ve often admitted I struggle with faith. In my first post, I was honest about that. I think if all Christians are honest, we would all admit we struggle with our faith at some point. But there are a few things in my life I’ve taken pride in.
I’ve never really been angry with God. I’ve questioned Him occasionally, but often it’s been with the shades of “But Your will be done, God.” Honestly, I think I’ve often been this way from a point of pride. Like....
Hey, look at me. I’m human enough to admit I question God, but I’m also so spiritual I know His way is better than mine.
That meme says it best. Ok... all jokes aside. Yeah, I admit I have way too much pride. It’s a real problem. I’m also slightly ashamed to admit that I’ve treated my trust in God as if it were currency, a loan.
Hey, God! I’m trusting you in this difficult time, so you owe.
What happens when we call in our loan from God and tell Him it’s time to pay up, but he doesn’t? Tonight was one of those nights for me. Even when I’ve questioned God, I’ve never lashed out at Him. I’m not that brave. Tonight all that came to an end. Tonight was really the first night I’ve every fully confronted God with my questions and my anger and my doubt when they’ve all been combined into one.
Tonight was the night I lashed out at God.
There’s no need to go into extreme detail with everything, but essentially, tonight was the night I didn't get the news I was expecting.
No! I didn’t get fired, but if you know me, I bet that got your attention.
Tonight was the culmination of a great many events, and it was hard to deal with.
Disappointment.
Pain.
Hurt.
Surprise.
To keep going with different words to describe it would only be me taking up space.
I’m a weird guy. I like to run. I hate to run. But I also like to run. It’s one of those things, that when I do it, I honestly just feel so accomplished. I also like to run when I’m struggling with stuff. Today was that moment. I like to pray and worship when I run. I do a lot of talking to God during this time. With the exception of the dog that likes to chase me and bark at me as I fear for my life.
I promise, it’s much scarier in person. Anyway! I digress... badly. I went for that run because I just knew that I needed to be alone with God, with no distractions. I need that everyday, but I knew what was coming this particular night and so I needed it even more. As I was running, I got silence again. I feel like I’ve gotten that a lot lately. I don’t know why. There have been times in my life I’ve felt so connected to God, where I've felt Him leading me, but I’ve been in a season of silence lately where I’ve not been hearing from Him how I would like.
Recently I read a book by Mike Donehey (singer from my favorite band “Tenth Avenue North) called Finding God’s Life for My Will. If you’ve never read it, I highly recommend it.
“He never told me no, so I started walking towards yes. I stopped asking for an answer and moved based on what I knew was true. I guess you could say I stopped waiting for Him to part the Red Sea and decided to jump into the Jordan river.
....
Some decisions look terrifying until you realize God’s grace is strapped to your back like a parachute. I call it jumping into the Jordan because I had to let the currents of faithfulness wash away my fear that He wouldn’t come through.
....
When it came to marrying my wife, I realized I needed to stop worrying if Kelly was the one and start worrying about how I would treat her if she were. I quickly surmised that dragging her along while I weighed all my other options was hardly the most loving thing I could do. Running across the bridge that day, I came to the hard realization that I would have to take the first steps of faithfulness toward her if I wanted to find out if she’d be faithful to me.”
Boom! And that’s only chapter one of the book. I’ve read that chapter more times than I can count. I think this is true in so many areas of our lives. It’s not just relationships. There are so many areas where we want God to give us the answer on what to do, and often He has already given us the answer in the evidence of what we know, but we still long for a definitive from Him.
Recently, I started walking towards what I knew about things in my life. I thought that was His answer to me. And if that was His answer, then it couldn’t go wrong. And it wasn’t like I didn’t want what I was walking towards already. I did. I absolutely did. So badly. So, I walked towards it... until the answer from God suddenly turned into no.
I drove. It’s hard to be “loud” at God when you live in an apartment and have neighbors. So I just drove around. I parked a couple of times. Then I drove some more. Through all of it... the snot and tears... I felt this anger at God. Honestly something I’ve not really felt in 30 years of living. I shouted at Him. Questioning Him. Trying to question why He wouldn't answer me.
“Am I really that bad? Am I that bad of a sinner. People worse than me hear from You all the time, so why can’t I? I was trying, God. I was trying to be better. What happened to Your grace? Where is it at now? Or do I not get it? I know it’s all my fault, and I’m sorry God, but why isn’t sorry good enough now?
This went on for a long time. I wish I could say that if you imagined it in your mind it was as funny as Michael Scott when he sees Toby is back.
Alas, it wasn’t as funny. Not near as funny. It was painful. After I calmed down a bit, I went to the band room... to work. Confession, if you see I’m at the band room late at night working or cleaning, it’s probably because I’m not in a good place emotionally.
I was still mad. I was still questioning God. I was still voicing my displeasure. Ironically, I had my iPhone blasting “Christian Radio” on the speaker even though I was still mad at Him. Then suddenly, I’m stopped in my tracks. A song I’ve not heard before starts playing, and it’s like it’s speaking to me... telling my story for this season.
“My heart is breaking in a way I never thought it could. My mind is racing with the question ‘Are you still good?’ Can you make something from the wreckage? Would you take this heart and make it whole again.... I’ve blamed myself, and if I’m honest, maybe I’ve blamed You too. But You would not forsake me, cause only good things come from You... Though the mountains may be moved into the sea. Though the ground beneath me might crumble and give way. I can hear my Father singing over me, ‘It’s gonna be ok.”
I thought my composure was back. Then it wasn’t. I just sat down where I was, felt the tears again. (Another confession about me. I’m an emotional guy. Very emotional. Tim Tebow emotional, I just hide it well, or try to).
I heard this song (”Into the Sea” by Tasha Layton) speak my story. And I just felt it when it said He was singing over me. I think, maybe I’m crazy, that He was using this song to tell me, that even though I couldn’t hear Him. He was singing over me in that moment.
Like clockwork, the song “Another in the Fire” by Hillsong comes on. Man I love that song. And it came on right after the other one. Then I thought of the story the song comes from when King Nebuchadnezzar threw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into to actual fire because they would not sway in their faithfulness to the one true God.
The men were faced with death. They were certain God had the power to deliver them, but they didn’t know if He would. How do I know? Well, they say say as much.
“If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.”
-Daniel 3: 17
So there it is. There’s the faith that God was able. But it’s immediately followed up with the admission, they didn’t know what God would do, though.
“But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”
-Daniel 3: 18
In other words even if God didn’t physically deliver them, they wouldn’t worship the false gods. It’s bold, and yes they were very brave for it. But I think it’s important to realize they had a fear of the uncertainty of what God would do. It’s our flesh. And they admit that it is a very real possibility that God may not deliver them from the fire, and they may burn in it. Even if they were to die, but be justified by God in the process, the physical pain they would feel had to be in their mind.
We’re told that King Nebuchadnezzar was so angry by their response he ordered the furnace to be heated seven times more than it normally was. In the process, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego watch the men who carried them up to the furnace become overwhelmed my the flames and die because the furnace was overheated. Try and convince me there wasn’t fear for these men. We are given this amazing story of them being thrown in but a fourth man being the fire with them. They are brought out of it completely unharmed.
This is great. But I wonder, did they know that God was delivering them while they were actually in the fire? Those on the outside of the furnace saw what was happening within. But what about the three men inside? At what point did the fear disappear? When did they realize God had not abandoned them? In fact, He was in the fire with them.
Is it possible to be in the fire and have God with you and not even realize it?
If you’re really asking. I think the answer is yes. I think it is possible. I think so, because right now I’m in that fire in my life. And I know I’m not alone. Tonight so many people are feeling so much pain. They feel the flames and heat. But I think we have a reassurance from this story, that while we may be hurting, on the outside, there are so many people who are able to see God with us in the fire. We often struggle to see past our own pain, though. I’m guilty of that.
It’s when God delievers us, which I’m confident He will do even in my pain, that we start to see the truth. And maybe you’ll be like Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego and come out with nothing burnt, not your clothes, hair, or skin. And you don’t even smell like the fire. Maybe. Or maybe your story is different. Maybe God will let the flames get a little closer to you. Maybe you won’t come out with no signs of it. You may even be exhausted. For those of you who like me are weary from the flames you are in, know that God offers rest. Not only does he offer rest after we are out of the fire. But he also offers rest while we are in the midst of it with the flames surrounding us. How do I know? Because He’s in the fire with us.