#greaterthanlows

[greaterthanlows]

Grace, Always.

I admittedly love moments of reflection. There are certain things that really trigger these moments for me, whether it be a smell, the weather, music, something on the TV, or even just a place I sit down at that would mean nothing to anyone else.

I guess what I’m saying, right now I’m in one of those seasons of reflection.

I guess most reflections come at the end of certain journeys or at the start of a new year. I guess I can’t really say that I’m at the end of some journey right now. I feel like I’m in a different phase of my life at the moment, at least compared to just a few months ago. A lot has changed, but even more so,  much has stayed the same. I think what has changed the most is this space I’ve discovered myself in with God. 

But no. 

It’s not the end of a journey and start of a new one that has me reflecting.

It’s also July 10th as I’m writing this, so definitely not the start of a new year. 

In a lot of ways, my new year starts at the end of July as I begin band camp.

 So, Happy New Year to me!?

What a year it has been. Honestly, what a year. 

Again, let me point out this is a calendar that begins in July of 2019 at the moment.

This year has presented some of the hardest trials I’ve faced. I don’t say this lightly either, as I’m the guy who watched his house burn down as junior in high school and lose everything. I’m also the guy who stood in the living room of his fiancé as she handed her ring back to him with the simple words of “I don’t love you anymore.” So I know a thing or two about trials. 

But this year has also given me some of the best memories I will have for the rest of my life. I’ve traveled down roads I had never been on before.

Rendezvous. Tops of roofs. Johnson City to Jacksonville, North Carolina then Jacksonville, FL. Backroads. My first wrestling match. My first wrestling match with accidental pocket dials. Football fields. Gatlinburg. Questioning how long a man will sit next to some bushes in a warm September evening. 

This year has been rough, seeing some of my hardest heartaches. But wow, it has been so good, too. Band camp is just a little over a week away at the moment. This seems about where that part of my journey began a year ago with a few of my students at a twirling camp. That’s what I guess you could say officially started the whole “marching season” for me, even if I wasn’t technically there at their camp.

Someday I hope it’s appropriate to write a memoir of the adventures of this past year. It’s far from perfect. Sometimes ugly. Sometimes questionable. What I’ve learned from every book I’ve ever read, though, there’s yet to be a perfect character, even the main characters. These books are full of stupid decisions. We read their stories and we just want to shout at the characters how dumb they are, how much more difficult they’re making the story and how we would do it so much differently. 

Yet, those are the stories we desire to read and if the characters made perfect decisions, it’d be a rather short book.

We have the benefit of being able to flip to the last page of their stories and seeing how it ends. Unfortunately we don’t get to do that in our real lives. 

With the hard times that came in this year came the questions to God. Came the parts that included me shaking my fist at Heaven. I sat there wondering if God was really there. Questioning if I was so bad of person, my sins so disgusting to Him that He had nothing for me any longer. 

“Oh, my God

I remember when I cried

Shook my fists up at the sky

I wondered why 

You felt so far from me

Oh, God

It was in my deepest pain 

That I heard You call my name

I heard You say

That You were right there with me

I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now.”

-Sidewalk Prophets

That was definitely my story for awhile: questioning where God was. 

I’m really blessed to say I’m in the worship band at my church playing keys. When everything with COVID first began and things were shutting down, we were recording our services on Thursday evenings. I remember our worship leader, Jordan, very clearly saying how he was grateful for this time of “quarantine” because it had given him a chance to really reconnect with God and spend time with Him with no distractions. 

I was jealous of that.

That wasn’t how I was feeling. 

Lately, I’ve felt that changing. I’ve felt His presence so distinctively. I’ve felt Him with me in my studying. So many ways I don’t know where to begin, but I’ve felt Him. 

Honestly, my biggest regret during the past year, and since March specifically when things went crazy, is it took me so long to become so obsessed (yes, obsessed) with knowing Him better. To say to myself, above all else I could be doing right now, I just want to talk to Him.

The most beautiful word in my life for me personally? Grace. For so many reasons. For all the things it means to me. It’s a thing, a gift, a person. It’s personified in God. Everything I want in this life is in this word. All the ways it’s been given to me and all the ways I’m still seeking it. For every hidden meaning within this that only my heart knows, it’s all I’ve ever wanted when I didn’t even know I wanted it. 

Through this past year, through so much, I’ve seen what grace is to me. I’ve seen it’s not just forgiveness. It’s the fact that it goes beyond forgiveness. It’s that He’s still desiring to have a use for me, to not just throw me away. 

As I go into the “new year”, I can’t say I’ve got it all figured out yet or that it will be smoother than the “last year”. What I can say is that I’m going into this “new year” finally feeling the peace that God promised He was capable of providing. I’ve finally come to the place in my life I’m willing to give things up that got between Him and I. To put Him at the top. Sometimes I’ve let Him slip down,  even now, and I have to make it a continuous responsibility everyday of keeping Him at the top.

At letting things go, I’ve learned to trust that His promises are eternal. I can trust that right now, He’s working things that are unseen for me. That’s not to insist things will be perfect or smooth. I also realize, the things that He is working, while they are gifts from Him, the purposes of those gifts are to glorify Him for others to see. If they don’t do that, then we have wasted them. This is true whether it be a physical gift, a job, a relationship, or a marriage.

I can’t see what He’s doing right now. But I trust Him. I know what I want Him to do. But I trust Him. It may not be tomorrow. But I trust Him.

I believe someday I’ll be able to say “And then it’s perfect” in the words of the famous Michael Scott. And perfect may not be perfect. But I’ve learned my happiest moments in the past year have come from the most perfectly imperfect moments. 

So, no matter what. It’s always going to be one thing I desire above all else.

Grace, always.

[greaterthanlows]

Is He for Me?

Is my well-being really a top priority for God? Let me rephrase, what is my happiness worth to God? Does it even matter in the grand scheme? (WARNING: Office spoilers ahead!)

Well we are officially into our first week of June. Part of me is excited to get back to work, but a large part of me has also enjoyed not working. When I do go back to school, I think one thing I’ll miss the most is being able to sit on my porch. While I’ve not written a ton, most of what I have written has come after midnight. Tonight is another one of those nights, as I sit here at 12:26 (edit, proofreading it at 1:18 a.m.). 

Currently, I have my door open so I can also watch The Office. 

Spoiler alert, Michael just broke up with Jan.

He was miserable with Jan, he’s very open about it. So you would think that life is about to look up from here on out with him, that he’s on the verge of finding true love. 

Instead, Michael is about to embark on several seasons of getting back with Jan, dating other women, and many heartbreaks.

So, whether it be love, career, health, finances, or the plethora of other scenarios we all go through, what is it that’s guiding us in life? 

Is it all just random luck? 

Is destiny in our hands?

Is it part of “God’s plan”?

If it’s God’s plan, what if we do the opposite of what He wanted?

I’m not sure I have the right answer. I’m not really sure that there is a right answer. Don’t misunderstand. I have no doubt at all that God is ever present in our lives. Scripture leaves no doubt about that.

“You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether...

Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!”

-Psalm 139: 2-4; 7-8

So, this is what I know. God is there. He’s here right now. Scripture tells us that He makes our paths clear for us, but it says nothing about Him forcing us to take those paths.

I must confess, I have strayed off those paths more times than I can count. If you’re like me, you probably believe you have taken your own path far more often than the one God intended for you to take. But isn’t it amazing? Isn’t amazing that despite which road we take, we end up at the same place? At the feet of God. At His throne. I believe when we end up there, ultimately we find ourselves at the destination He always intended for us to be at. 

Don’t assume I mean this happens every time. I think there’s a key component. That component is us putting our faith in God. Often times that faith is messy. It is far from clean. Even farther from perfect. But for those who truly love God, His mercy and His compassion are so great that despite the mistakes, He makes a way in His all too great, powerful, loving way that when we come to the end of the road we’ve been following and acknowledge our way doesn’t work, that He miraculously builds a road at the dead end we were at.

The road He creates for us at the end of ours isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t come with out bumps and bruises. Sometimes there’s deep pain that comes with it. The pain of knowing the things we know about ourselves and decisions we’ve made. 

But God is much more forgiving of our sins than we are of ourselves. 

I think often times the pain of remembrance we have is in part what God gives us so we can grow, so we can follow Him better. Punishments aren’t the same as lessons even if we feel like His lesson is the same as Him punishing us.

I love the song “I Confess” by Tenth Avenue North

“I try to linger in the sunlight

Every day I’m alive

But at night the restlessness takes over

And I’m scare of what’s inside

I confess, I admit

I look for life outside of You

I repent, I’m coming back

To the only joy that’s true”

I have found things in my life that I allowed myself to love more than God. Things I was so afraid to lose that I held on so tightly, afraid if I let God in, He would take it away. Why do we as Christians trust God in so many ways, but yet there are some areas of our life we refuse to let Him have control over because we think we know best?

For me, it was coming to the moment of confessing to God that there were things I didn’t trust Him with. The moment of complete abandonment of what I want, and instead trusting Him, that if wanted it, then at the end of my dead end road, another road would be made by His hands.

It’s crazy, even just typing that... reading that.... it gives me peace. 

But yet, we hurt in the lessons. Even if the lessons aren’t punishments, God is taking away the things we let get in the way of Him and the way we are to live. They weren’t bad... my way was... did I mess us so bad that something that was so good He’s taking away from me forever?

Maybe. Maybe not. I believe it depends on the situation. Maybe part of the road that God creates is time to learn to trust fully on Him and in time those things before make its way back. Maybe it never does. I don't know. I really don’t. I think on that road, the things that led us to where we are will be stripped away, whether temporarily or permanently, as I said, I don’t know. I just feel like while on that road, part of the process is being without that thing so we learn to put our faith in God and only in Him. 

Later on, if that thing comes back, whether it be a person, a relationship, a job, or whatever you may be dealing, you can have it in your life with God leading this time.

He’s a good father. My best friend recently went through a trial. They told me they felt God was punishing them, taking things away because how they went about things (and I’m paraphrasing because if they ever read this than I would be called out for every little word I’m getting wrong, and I say this entirely in love). But like I said, punishments and lessons aren’t the same thing. If you had a good father, despite your many mistakes growing up, you know your father never meant to cause pain in your life. Everything they did was out of love, never to prove a point. Never to take things away just to hurt us. When things were taken away, it was either because they weren’t good for us or because we weren’t ready yet for that thing, that toy... or whatever it was.

So if God has taken something away from you recently, maybe it was because it wasn’t good for you. Or maybe it was because you weren’t yet ready for it. But He never does things to prove a point to hurt us. 

Scripture takes a lot of effort to show us that God is our Father. If our father here was good, how much better is our Father in Heaven?

Lastly, going back to Psalm 139. Yes, God is everywhere. But He’s not just watching. No matter where I go, His hand is on me and in my darkest hour, it’s holding me.

“If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.”

-Psalm 139: 9-10

If your curious about what happened to Michael after he broke up with Jan, later on he gets back with her. He’s just as miserable (I personally think Michael has this very real fear of being alone and that’s why he does this and many of his questionable choices). They break up again, he dates other women, then he meets Holly, who he truly loves.... and she leaves... and he goes through his own journey during this time. 

Without spoiling the journey... the long, long journey of Michael Scott, he marries Holly in the end. 

“And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush.”

[greaterthanlows]

Are We Sure He’s Good

Is God really good? I mean... really? As Christians, the answer we are suppose to say is “Yes”, and this answer should come with no hesitation. As a matter of fact, we sing songs about just how Good He Is. 

We sing songs about Him being a good, good Father. One of my personal favorites currently is “Goodness of God” by Bethel.

These songs are great. Poetic. And we claim they are full of truth. But are we biased? Instead, is that just what we want to believe.

This week I read something that shook me. The lead singer of a band I like made the public announcement that he no longer believed in God.

Jon Steingard of Hawk Nelson made the declaration on his Instagram page that he no longer believed in God. I was shocked when I read it. They are a group I have seen in concert a couple times while opening up for other groups and even got to meet them after a concert for a picture.

As I read his post, I have to admit that I noticed the sincerity in his writing. On a side note I was also pleased to see the number of Christians (particularly other artists) who reached out to him with love and support instead of shunning. But I was also troubled by the number of people who reached out with similar stories of no longer believing in God because of similar feelings as his.

Jon spoke of growing up in the church, but never really enjoying going. There were many issues he spoke of, but never once did I get the impression his lack of faith was because of what he perceived God not doing something for him. No, instead it was his trouble reconciling if God was truly good. If we are to take the Old Testament at face value.

Look, I know what it says in the Old Testament. I know the things that we don’t see as good coming from God. There’s a lot of death in there. It’s almost as if the God of the Old Testament is different than the one in the New Testament. How can the two possibly relate? 

I think this is a question the Church doesn’t like to address. 

I think when the Church does address it, we have tried to do it with the misunderstanding that those who hear already accept the sovereignty of God and for those of us who accept that fact, then we don’t question it.

There are great many who don’t accept that statement. There are also many followers who struggle with it, but there is this misconception that we cannot question God. 

Now Freeze!

When I say we cannot question God, that doesn’t mean we get to tell Him how to do His job, although I have tried this approach often... but that is a discussion for another day. What I’m saying is God welcomes our questions and concerns when we go to throne with them with the intentions of better knowing God.

I feel like I had one of those experiences of God revealing things to me this past Sunday afternoon during my studying. I have a place I go when I want to be alone with God. Only a couple of people who are very close to me know about what this place means to me. As I was driving there, I just had this feeling of expectance. I just had this feeling God was going to speak to me. How? I wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. But He was going to. And He did. 

I began reading Matthew. I had to see proof of an instance of Jesus “breaking” the old way, the way we see God in the Old Testament, when we see the argument of a cruel and vengeful God. Chapter 12 we see the Pharisees upset when they see Jesus and the disciples working in order to eat on the Sabbath. There is much to the response Jesus gives, but one statement in particular he gives:

“I tell you something greater than the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless.”

-Matthew 12: 6-7

I had a note written which beside it that simply said: “Hosea 6:6-This fulfills that verse.”

“For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.”

-Hosea 6:6

Where is the mindblower emoji?

There it is. Thank you. Ok, maybe you’re not quite getting that yet. But I did. Suddenly I was hit with this realization that the sacrifices that man made to appease God, they were never what God wanted. Never what He desired. He desired love from His creation (that being us).  

Now look, I understand this and the rest of what I’m about to write doesn’t answer every question. Maybe for you it doesn’t answer any. Maybe it’s just a personal revelation I had for myself. I’m not sure. What I began to understand from this was what God’s desire was from the beginning, something even deeper than just fellowship with us. It was for all of creation to love Him. Not just a select few. He wanted it from all. The sacrifices came as a way to somehow meet God where He was the best we (or they) could. The sacrifices could never be enough. They had to go away so we could simply love God. 

We could love Him!

We wouldn’t have to do things to reach Him, make sacrifices. No. No more. 

God desired our love and desired for us to understand who He is: “the knowledge of God”. I admit, we won’t understand all of His ways. But I just can’t buy the argument from the church we have to trust God blindly on every account because He is God. Yes, we are to trust Him. But I also believe there are things that would greatly impact our faith for the worse, that would lead us astray, I believe in those tings He seeks to have Himself revealed for those who seek.

Key statement being... for those who seek.

I don’t believe God is in the business of having people prove their worth by how much faith they have when they don’t have the answers. Does this please God? Yes. I believe so. But I believe what pleases Him more is when we don’t have the answers, and we take those questions to God and in the process we seek to understand them and understand Him, and we keep our faith in the silence, during the seeking. 

Second mind blowing moment you ask? 

What we refer to as the Love Chapter (1 Corinthians 13) isn’t just a description of how we are to love others. It’s a description of how God desires us to love Him as well.

* “If I speak in tongues of men and of angels.... but don’t love...”- God doesn’t want our big words, our big declarations. Jesus said as much when he talked about how to pray and how to seek God. 

* “If I have prophetic powers... if I have all faith... but not love....”- Jesus warned that many would come to him saying all the great things they did for him and in his name and would tell them to depart because they never knew him.

* “If I give away all I have... my body to be burned... but have not love...”       - Salvation is a free gift, given by grace, not by works so no man may boast. If we had to work, then it would be a return to the sacrifices and they would never be enough.

* “Love is patient and kind... does not envy... does not boast...”- We wait patiently for the Lord. We wait for HIs answers, for Him to lead. We trust. Because of our love for Him, our love for others is better. We do not envy to be like God. We aren’t worthy. We aren’t good enough. That’s a hard truth. We do not boast as if we are worthy of love. We only boast because He does love.

I could keep going and going. I understand this doesn’t answer everything. I’m still in the process myself of seeking. I’m still searching to understand why God called for the total annihilation of some nations for rejecting Him while giving others an opportunity to repent. I’m still seeking. 

What I do know is God gives all mankind an opportunity to repent, as big as that book we call the Bible is, there is still a lot of God’s works and commands not in it. I believe every nation, every soul had opportunities. I believe God sought after them. While the Jewish nation is God’s chosen people, I also know that even in the Old Testament there were many believers that He used and that worshipped him. Not being an Israelite was not a death penalty in the Old Testament.

I also know that it is irresponsible to say the God of the Old Testament has no love. We see love there. So much of it. It’s almost as if the closer we get to the end of the Old Testament and closer to the coming Messiah, the more desperate we see that love from God. It’s as if He’s aware what is about to happen. The time for sacrifices were coming to an end. The time where we could give Him the steadfast love He desired was quickly approaching. 

[greaterthanlows]

Random Rumblings from a Mad Man

I’ve told everyone that I have no form of a sleep schedule right now. Not even close. I think I finally fell asleep around 5 in the morning last night... or morning... whatever you call it. I’m sure I’m not alone with this. It’s currently 1 in the morning, so I decided to come outside on my porch and just start typing. 

I’m in this weird phase in my life right now where I’m trying to be extremely healthy. And I just have to say, If I’m honest, it sucks. I’m a guy who loves food. It’s easily my favorite thing in the world. There’s just something so great about it. Being up later lately has only made me want to eat more often. I had a really good friend suggest to me recently that I keep a lot of fruit around so I can eat that instead of junk or whatever else is lying around. So here I am, eating my pineapple. I also couldn't stand being parted from watching the office.... so I came up with an easy solution.

Tonight, I’m sitting here with my mind racing and thinking a million different things at once. 

Actually that may be a lie.

Actually, maybe it’s not.

I think there’s a lot on my mind.

But I also think I can’t think anything.

Maybe this is just a result of a great many things.

 A few years ago, I had this amazing opportunity to go on a mission trip to Cuba. Talk about life changing. 

A picture of our team... or at least what was left of them...

I could write so much just solely on that experience. Now that I mention it, I think I will do that someday soon. 

I have a great many thoughts about the things I experienced in Cuba. If there was one experience that forever changed me spiritually, that was it. But sometimes our spiritual growth isn’t because we “do good” or we see those who really struggle and it opens our eyes or we see God moving and doing good. There’s so many more ways, and sometimes those ways are not always the fondest memories.

But enough of that. I’ll save that for another day.

Tonight, one of the thoughts on my mind is towards the people of Cuba I got to meet and work with, the few I got to know in what felt like an intimate way even in such a short time. I’m thinking of all the things I have, the things I’m able to do. I can’t help but wonder do we realize what we don’t have if we never have it to not have... if that makes sense to you. What I mean, do the people I met there, are they aware of the things they aren’t provided for, the things they are missing out on since they’ve never actually had it, and really, they've never been around anyone who does for the most part. 

I’m guilty of it. I get so caught up in my own world, I often miss the intimate details of the lives of those around me. I say I lack things, but do I really know what it’s like to lack? Have I experienced that? Have I ever experienced the level of lacking that the people in Cuba that I was with lacked? 

And where is God in this? I often ask myself that. How did such cruel people gain powers and leadership? Where was God when that was happening. Where was He during the suffering? I think we all ask these questions when it comes to our own lives.

“Where are you, God?”

I think He’s there. I think He’s there with every single person in Cuba right now. I think He’s there with every single person in China, North Korea, the Middle East. I think He’s all around. I don’t think He’s just with the saints. I believe He is begging to those who are in leadership, the cruelest of dictators in the world to turn around, to repent, to acknowledge Yahweh as the one true God. To declare Emmanuel... God is with us, and He came to be with us in this person of Jesus.

I think we celebrate the deaths of evil people too quickly. I think we celebrate those being punished with too much joy. It scares me when I see Christians declare with great triumph that this dictator... terrorist.... murder.... whatever their crime may be is burning in Hell. 

Is the punishment just for many of them? Yes. Absolutely. If I received the same punishment, would it be just for me as well? Yes. Absolutely.

I think God is hurting for everyone who ultimately chooses to be eternally separated from them. Think of the most loving parent you can imagine. Maybe it’s your own. If their child chose to leave home and never return, to become a terrible human being, that parent will still only love them despite their crimes. They will always be holding out hope that they will return home. This is God as our Father. While we are celebrating the destination of an unbeliever we deem evil, He is mourning. 

I need to know God can forgive the worst of sinners. Because if He can’t then what hope is their for me? 

If all sins are equal, is their a commandment I haven’t broken?

I am 0 for 10. I’m just as guilty. I deserve to be separated from Him for all eternity. So I have to believe He is able to forgive the sins of the worst people alive because if He can’t forgive them, then He can’t forgive me either. And He can’t forgive you.

But the Nature of God is Love.

That’s my saving grace tonight. That He will forgive their sins, and He will forgive mine. And His love and grace covers a multitude of sins that paves the way for peace and fellowship with Him and mankind. That my wrongs with others may be someday made right. 

That’s my God. He’s a God who I admittedly don’t understand. A God who recently I’ve questioned in so many ways. Just today, I found myself having to ask God to help me forgive Him for the ways I thought He was wrong. Read that again. “God, help me forgive You.” That has to be blasphemy! 

But I think God needs us to stop trying to play games with Him. I think we need to stop trying to hide things from Him as if we can be successful. In my right mind, is there a thing I need to forgive God for? No! His forgiveness is what I need. Not the other way around. Today, a really good friend referred to Him as the God of Grace. And that’s true. He’s asking me to give Him my fear, my doubt, my anger. He’s been waiting for me to come to place to tell Him that I don’t trust Him to do what I need and want Him to do. Read that again as well. 

I don’t trust God to do what I NEED and WANT Him to do.

Why does He let me come so openly to Him? Why does He ask me to bring every thought I have to Him and give it to Him without fear? I don’t know. Because He should strike me dead for even daring to think I could say those things to Him. But No! He is inviting them in. He’s telling me to give Him all these things so I can see Him do a wondrous work. A work, even now, I sit here and say that I have my doubts He actually will. And that’s ok. Because He needs me to finally admit those things to Him. To admit that doubt. He’s not afraid of how I feel. He’s not running from it like I wish I could. He’s not uncertain about what to do with the ways I feel.

My prayers can’t be a routine. I can’t say what I think I need to get Him to respond. He needs me to surrender every bit of myself to Him. He needs me to start being content with just Him. Because, another self-confession. I haven’t been. I haven’t found my joy in just Him. And now I sit here... now at 2 in the morning... and it’s just me alone... sitting here on my porch with keyboard typing this out. If my joy isn’t to be found in Him then where will I find it?

He’s stripped it all away. To where it’s just me and Him now. I don’t know what’s next, and I think that’s part of why I feel like I have to forgive Him (again, I can’t get past how unreal that sounds). How many of you right now are there? You've found God has stripped everything away and now it’s just you and Him. What do you do with that? 

I spent some time thinking God was done moving. But He’s not. He’s moving still. Whatever situation you’re in right now, I’m in, your friend is in... it’s not a surprise to God. He’s not been caught off guard by my stupid mistakes, that I came to this place of distrusting Him, that you came to this place of distrusting Him. He’s not scrambling around trying to figure out what to do next. He’s always known. How is He going to move? I have no idea. I just know He is. I know He’s not finished yet. 

Pentecostal fire 

Stirring something new

You’re not gonna run out of miracles

Anytime soon

Well, I said it in the title. Just random rumblings. If you made it all the way through this ADD post, that’s impressive. I don’t even know how I’m going to get through the proofread with all the 180′s in this. I guess I better get started, though.

[greaterthanlows]

In the Fire?

I struggle. Gosh, I really struggle. I’ve often admitted I struggle with faith. In my first post, I was honest about that. I think if all Christians are honest, we would all admit we struggle with our faith at some point. But there are a few things in my life I’ve taken pride in.

 I’ve never really been angry with God. I’ve questioned Him occasionally, but often it’s been with the shades of “But Your will be done, God.” Honestly, I think I’ve often been this way from a point of pride. Like....

Hey, look at me. I’m human enough to admit I question God, but I’m also so spiritual I know His way is better than mine.

That meme says it best. Ok... all jokes aside. Yeah, I admit I have way too much pride. It’s a real problem. I’m also slightly ashamed to admit that I’ve treated my trust in God as if it were currency, a loan. 

Hey, God! I’m trusting you in this difficult time, so you owe.

What happens when we call in our loan from God and tell Him it’s time to pay up, but he doesn’t? Tonight was one of those nights for me. Even when I’ve questioned God, I’ve never lashed out at Him. I’m not that brave. Tonight all that came to an end. Tonight was really the first night I’ve every fully confronted God with my questions and my anger and my doubt when they’ve all been combined into one. 

Tonight was the night I lashed out at God.

There’s no need to go into extreme detail with everything, but essentially, tonight was the night I didn't get the news I was expecting.

No! I didn’t get fired, but if you know me, I bet that got your attention. 

Tonight was the culmination of a great many events, and it was hard to deal with. 

Disappointment.

Pain.

Hurt.

Surprise.

To keep going with different words to describe it would only be me taking up space.

I’m a weird guy. I like to run. I hate to run. But I also like to run. It’s one of those things, that when I do it, I honestly just feel so accomplished. I also like to run when I’m struggling with stuff. Today was that moment. I like to pray and worship when I run. I do a lot of talking to God during this time. With the exception of the dog that likes to chase me and bark at me as I fear for my life.

I promise, it’s much scarier in person. Anyway! I digress... badly. I went for that run because I just knew that I needed to be alone with God, with no distractions. I need that everyday, but I knew what was coming this particular night and so I needed it even more. As I was running, I got silence again. I feel like I’ve gotten that a lot lately. I don’t know why. There have been times in my life I’ve felt so connected to God, where I've felt Him leading me, but I’ve been in a season of silence lately where I’ve not been hearing from Him how I would like. 

Recently I read a book by Mike Donehey (singer from my favorite band “Tenth Avenue North) called Finding God’s Life for My Will. If you’ve never read it, I highly recommend it.  

“He never told me no, so I started walking towards yes. I stopped asking for an answer and moved based on what I knew was true. I guess you could say I stopped waiting for Him to part the Red Sea and decided to jump into the Jordan river.

....

Some decisions look terrifying until you realize God’s grace is strapped to your back like a parachute. I call it jumping into the Jordan because I had to let the currents of faithfulness wash away my fear that He wouldn’t come through.

....

When it came to marrying my wife, I realized I needed to stop worrying if Kelly was the one and start worrying about how I would treat her if she were. I quickly surmised that dragging her along while I weighed all my other options was hardly the most loving thing I could do. Running across the bridge that day, I came to the hard realization that I would have to take the first steps of faithfulness toward her if I wanted to find out if she’d be faithful to me.”

Boom! And that’s only chapter one of the book. I’ve read that chapter more times than I can count. I think this is true in so many areas of our lives. It’s not just relationships. There are so many areas where we want God to give us the answer on what to do, and often He has already given us the answer in the evidence of what we know, but we still long for a definitive from Him.

Recently, I started walking towards what I knew about things in my life. I thought that was His answer to me. And if that was His answer, then it couldn’t go wrong. And it wasn’t like I didn’t want what I was walking towards already. I did. I absolutely did. So badly. So, I walked towards it... until the answer from God suddenly turned into no.

I drove. It’s hard to be “loud” at God when you live in an apartment and have neighbors. So I just drove around. I parked a couple of times. Then I drove some more. Through all of it... the snot and tears... I felt this anger at God. Honestly something I’ve not really felt in 30 years of living. I shouted at Him. Questioning Him. Trying to question why He wouldn't answer me. 

“Am I really that bad? Am I that bad of a sinner. People worse than me hear from You all the time, so why can’t I? I was trying, God. I was trying to be better. What happened to Your grace? Where is it at now? Or do I not get it? I know it’s all my fault, and I’m sorry God, but why isn’t sorry good enough now?

This went on for a long time. I wish I could say that if you imagined it in your mind it was as funny as Michael Scott when he sees Toby is back. 

Alas, it wasn’t as funny. Not near as funny. It was painful. After I calmed down a bit, I went to the band room... to work. Confession, if you see I’m at the band room late at night working or cleaning, it’s probably because I’m not in a good place emotionally. 

I was still mad. I was still questioning God. I was still voicing my displeasure. Ironically, I had my iPhone blasting “Christian Radio” on the speaker even though I was still mad at Him. Then suddenly, I’m stopped in my tracks. A song I’ve not heard before starts playing, and it’s like it’s speaking to me... telling my story for this season.

“My heart is breaking in a way I never thought it could. My mind is racing with the question ‘Are you still good?’ Can you make something from the wreckage? Would you take this heart and make it whole again.... I’ve blamed myself, and if I’m honest, maybe I’ve blamed You too. But You would not forsake me, cause only good things come from You... Though the mountains may be moved into the sea. Though the ground beneath me might crumble and give way. I can hear my Father singing over me, ‘It’s gonna be ok.”

I thought my composure was back. Then it wasn’t. I just sat down where I was, felt the tears again. (Another confession about me. I’m an emotional guy. Very emotional. Tim Tebow emotional, I just hide it well, or try to). 

I heard this song (”Into the Sea” by Tasha Layton) speak my story. And I just felt it when it said He was singing over me. I think, maybe I’m crazy, that He was using this song to tell me, that even though I couldn’t hear Him. He was singing over me in that moment.

Like clockwork, the song “Another in the Fire” by Hillsong comes on. Man I love that song. And it came on right after the other one. Then I thought of the story the song comes from when King Nebuchadnezzar threw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into to actual fire because they would not sway in their faithfulness to the one true God. 

The men were faced with death. They were certain God had the power to deliver them, but they didn’t know if He would. How do I know? Well, they say say as much. 

“If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.”

-Daniel 3: 17

So there it is. There’s the faith that God was able. But it’s immediately followed up with the admission, they didn’t know what God would do, though. 

“But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

-Daniel 3: 18

In other words even if God didn’t physically deliver them, they wouldn’t worship the false gods. It’s bold, and yes they were very brave for it. But I think it’s important to realize they had a fear of the uncertainty of what God would do. It’s our flesh. And they admit that it is a very real possibility that God may not deliver them from the fire, and they may burn in it. Even if they were to die, but be justified by God in the process, the physical pain they would feel had to be in their mind. 

We’re told that King Nebuchadnezzar was so angry by their response he ordered the furnace to be heated seven times more than it normally was. In the process, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego watch the men who carried them up to the furnace become overwhelmed my the flames and die because the furnace was overheated. Try and convince me there wasn’t fear for these men. We are given this amazing story of them being thrown in but a fourth man being the fire with them. They are brought out of it completely unharmed. 

This is great. But I wonder, did they know that God was delivering them while they were actually in the fire? Those on the outside of the furnace saw what was happening within. But what about the three men inside? At what point did the fear disappear? When did they realize God had not abandoned them? In fact, He was in the fire with them. 

Is it possible to be in the fire and have God with you and not even realize it?

If you’re really asking. I think the answer is yes. I think it is possible. I think so, because right now I’m in that fire in my life. And I know I’m not alone. Tonight so many people are feeling so much pain. They feel the flames and heat. But I think we have a reassurance from this story, that while we may be hurting, on the outside, there are so many people who are able to see God with us in the fire. We often struggle to see past our own pain, though. I’m guilty of that. 

It’s when God delievers us, which I’m confident He will do even in my pain, that we start to see the truth. And maybe you’ll be like Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego and come out with nothing burnt, not your clothes, hair, or skin. And you don’t even smell like the fire. Maybe. Or maybe your story is different. Maybe God will let the flames get a little closer to you. Maybe you won’t come out with no signs of it. You may even be exhausted. For those of you who like me are weary from the flames you are in, know that God offers rest. Not only does he offer rest after we are out of the fire. But he also offers rest while we are in the midst of it with the flames surrounding us. How do I know? Because He’s in the fire with us.