As I've become older, I've noticed a lot more things. I've learned to identify all the issues that I struggled with growing up. I've pinpointed all the whys and the how comes, and I think one of my biggest struggles was finding identity. That's everyone's problem at 16, but for me it was trying to identify with a culture.
Family is everything to me; I was raised to believe that and I still do. Alongside family is culture. And when I say that I mean the way we behave, treat our parents, the things we say, the beliefs we hold. I am not simply biracial, I'm a whole bunch of things and I belong and am supposed to identify with many cultures. But I've never felt truly comfortable in the cultures I was raised in. I've only felt like a pretender, an outcast trying to break my way into the group.
Being half-Japanese, the culture is very familiar to me and I know a lot about well, being Japanese. I can tell you what foods to eat, how to behave, that respecting your parents and elders are imperative, but I can't tell you anything in Japanese. I've had many people assume that I know Japanese and that I can even teach it to! I've never once stated that I can speak it fluently, or even at all. Friends have labeled me as the "smart girl," the one who gets good grades and likes anime. While they mean well, it hurt me to know that they made a preconceived assumption about me based on stereotypes rather then actually taking the time and consideration to get to know me and to find out that I am not a "braniac" and that I do not drive poorly (that is a Chinese stereotype, might I add). I always felt like because I was given that stereotype, people judged me based on that, and never considered that just because I am of Japanese heritage, does not mean that I always "Japanese." I'm not embarassed of my culture, or ashamed of my heritage; in fact, I'm so proud of it that it angers me when people don't take a second to actually see the culture for what it is rather than viewing it as the anime pop culture Tokyo sushi-inventing culture. But its difficult to think about the fact hat I look and feel a certain way, but if I went to Japan, where my ancestors are, would I feel like I truly belonged?
I'm also Dutch-Indonesian. Those are two completely different cultures, but because of the Dutch occupation of Indonesia and the influx of Indo immigrants in Holland during WWII, the culture has assimilated into another, becoming a hot pot of new tradition. I have wonderful, beautiful relatives whom I love dearly and who have been there through thick and thin. The two worlds have taught me so much about how different cultures can be and yet are capable of melding together to form incredible, rich heritage and tradition. But like before, I cannot speak Dutch or Indonesian, I cannot really tell you much about either of the customs or values. I simply stand in wonder while my aunts and uncles rattle of in Dutch, followed by roars of laughter over a joke or old saying. I simply look down at my food and know that this is part of me, and that I love it, but don't know anything about being Dutch Indonesian.
I am Latina. Story has it that my Mexican ancestors once held the surname, 'Molina' but was changed to 'Moline' to avoid the hindrance of taxes. However, the only smidge of my heritage that I understand is food, growing up with dominantly Latina friends, a little Spanish, and living in Southern California. But I never shared those traditions like making tamales, or having a quincinera, or my grandmother's amazing cooking. Sufficient to say, I can't exactly identify with being a Latina, or go to Mexico and feel as if I know what it means to be Mexican.
Mostly, I have white. A lot of European have been thrown into the mix by my father's side, but we are not really sure what they all are. More importantly, I have some European ancestors that were immigrants to America. I also have some European ancestors who have roots in America dating back to the dawn of time. Although they come from the same places, it is entirely different to be immigrant European American and European American. As previously stated, I cannot speak Dutch, or identify with German culture, or know the customs of Scottish culture. Neither do I really know how it feels to have deep American roots. I know what its like to be an American, and to be honest I mostly identify with being that, but am I really white? The only white I appear to be is my light eyes and some features here and there. No, I hail from generations of immigrants, coming to America in search of success and happiness. I am always criticized when I try to identify as white. "You're not white, your Asian, stop trying to be white." In short, I am simply too culture-y to be white. I do not look white enough to be accepted in that realm.
As anyone else is in this world, I am proud of who I am, where I come from, and how I was raised. My parents are the best there is, and they did such a fantastic job of making sure we understand where we descend from. I blame no one for how I feel, and my struggle to feel apart of something. Being biracial is certainly a feat in itself in modern America, and my parents make me happy and proud, and exemplify the progress our country has made over time. I have been exposed to so many customs, traditions, values, and for that I am grateful, since I can definitely say that I am cultured. But along with it comes complexity that many people look past, or don't consider. While its beautiful for two (or several) cultures to come together, its difficult to fit together sometimes. Trying to fit into Japanese, White, Mexican, Dutch, Indonesian, and even Hawaiian culture is often difficult and even isolating sometimes, especially when those are so prominent and important in your family's way of living. I don't always feel apart of a certain culture, and when I try, I often feel like I'm trying too hard and I look ridiculous. If I learn Japanese, "I'm too white for it," or if I reblog a "chunti girl problems" post, I'm not enough to know what thats like. Being multiracial is wonderful, and exciting, and I will always be grateful for it. There are many benefits to it, but there are parts that are not always fun or easy. I don't know if others struggle with this, but its something that has come upon the shift toward crossing barriers and forming interracial communities.
