We don’t know who our adoption will lead us to, but this recent interview with Angela Tucker on her experience as a transracial adoptee made Nate and me both stop and consider the deep responsibility we hold to our future children. I encourage you to read the entirety of the article, but wanted to share the parts that struck me most from her story.
On fitting in: “In high school, I went to the bathroom during one class period, and was surprised to find pens, pencils and other objects stuck in my Afro without my knowing. I was mortified...“
On her parents: “The comment that we continue to get is from those who call my parents 'angels,' or gush about how amazing they are for 'taking in all these poor kids.' My parents typically responded with a definitive 'No. No. We are just parents, who love our kids.' I loved this, because I knew... that they don’t feel pity towards any of their children’s biological families, and subsequently, they don’t feel any pity on us. The ever-present White Savior attitude was not a narrative that I was familiar with, until society began to place that label on us. My parents did not feel that they were ‘saving’ any of their children... My parents’ simple answer 'No. No,' felt brilliant and honoring.”
On knowledge of origin (This one is huge): “Not having access to information that is rightfully mine has always been an enormous struggle... Having to say or write 'I’m adopted' at the top of every medical form, or each time a doctor asks 'Does ______ ...run in your family?' ...It makes me want to shout, 'You are wondering about my medical history!?! You? I lay awake in bed at night wondering if my birthparents can roll their tongues, or if they have Hitchhiker’s thumbs!...
“One document that I’ve always wanted (and still don’t have) is my original birth certificate. The original birth certificate states my birthmother’s name as my mother and I assume the birth father line is left blank, and my name would’ve been listed as “Baby Girl.” Instead, I only have a birth certificate that states my adoptive parents as the people who birthed me, and my current (maiden) name. Gross. And unfair. And, a governmentally approved lie.
“I did apply for my original birth certificate... The application along with a couple hundred dollars produced another redacted birth certificate, with my adoptive parents name on it.”
On racial role models: “Although our community was predominantly white, the inside of our home was racially diverse. ...the trinkets, music, literature and decor... It was common for Ebony Magazine to be next to The New Yorker. My piano books contained traditional black lullabies, Black, Asian and White Santa’s adorned the Christmas wrapping paper, and in the pre-internet days, my mom looked through countless shopping magazines to find Cabbage Patch dolls that more closely matched our skin tones. I think she also wrote the Band-Aid people, and encouraged them to consider clear Band-Aids!”
On being black in a predominantly white school: “Having white teachers and learning in an education environment of predominantly white classmates made me wonder if some of the history lessons were sanitized in a way that felt a little more comfortable for those doing the teaching. I felt deep skepticism while studying black history in grade school. I remember being acutely aware of my racial difference during these lessons, and experiencing a sort of anxiety... I thought I’d be called out to explain the entire American history of my race...”
On racism: "...I don’t feel that my parents partook in the 'color blind' parenting approach. When I see parents employing this style of parenting, what is actually being communicated is that they don’t see that bad, ‘colored’ part of the child. AKA, the black part. Assuming these parents are well-intentioned, it still occurs to me that one of the basic tenets of anti-racism is to understand that although one has not chosen to be socialized into racism, no one is neutral or exempt from it. To not act against racism is to support racism, thus the color blind philosophy cannot remain. Since true human objectivity is impossible, parents must reject the urge to avoid sounding prejudice by making this statement.”
On loss: “Loss is inherent within any type of adoption. By definition, transracial adoptees lose their birth culture. In addition to losing our culture, there is an unspoken rule that adoptees should be grateful to [likely] climb the social ranks simply by being grafted in to a new family. However, we cannot leave our birth families lifestyles, class, race, and culture and simply enter another without confusion [and] anger, along with some pieces of thankfulness or gratitude. Transracial adoptees have to learn how to hold the privilege and burden of our many complex and crisscrossing narratives. It’s the ever-present awareness of more than one self. W.E.B. du Bois called this 'double consciousness.'”
On what she wants transracial adoptive parents to know: “Once transracial adoptees enter adulthood and leave the home, and can no longer be easily identified as part of a transracial family (AKA, associated with safe, white people), they/we are just black people in a racialized world... Feeling the need to share my full story in order for people to make sense of my existence is infuriating, and the source for many transracial adult adoptees’ identity crises.
“Time and again I hear from white adoptive/foster parents who had not heard of or believed in white privilege until they adopted or fostered a child of color. They cite how different they were treated once their child joined their family. I feel it to be incredibly problematic that folks adopt kids of color prior to understanding their own place in American culture, as that means they are placing the burden of being educated on their children, but passing it off as their experience.
‘Also, I strongly encourage transracial adoptive parents to seek out the voices of those who have the lived experience."
And so we will start to be even more active in learning the cultures that could become a part of our lives. Really, thinking about it as I write, it wouldn’t be a bad for anyone to learn more about a culture that isn’t “their own.” In a time so full of hate and bigotry and injustice and anger, gaining understanding of people different from us might can only help fight for what really, truly needs to be fought for.
Today, I am thankful for our adoption journey. I am thankful that it has allowed me to open my mind and my heart to new ideas, new cultures, and new experiences. It has allowed me to form complex opinions on social and political issues. It has put into perspective what is truly important to me, and has helped me realize what I believe in fighting for.
More than anything, it has created in me a fierce desire to show my children good and hope and love.
Angela Tucker is a nationally-recognized thought leader on transracial adoption and is an advocate for adoptee rights... The Adopted Life (www.theadoptedlife.com) began as a personal blog that allowed Angela to process publicly her emotions and experience as a transracial adoptee...
