December 1, 2024
Grilling...
In the beginning, the therian and otherkin communities had a process to help determine who was and was not a therian or otherkin. Called "grilling", it was a form of introspection that involved other members questioning someone about their nonhuman experiences and guiding them to the right words that fit them. This was helpful for some because it gave them an outside perspective and introduced them to new information that they wouldn't have found otherwise because they wouldn't have even thought to look for it. Grilling encouraged people to really look into themselves and understand their experiences better, there were very deep discussions, whole websites dedicated to members of the community writing in intricate detail about their identities, and the sense of comradery was at an all time.
However, it quickly became a demonized practice due to the way some forums started to go about grilling. Around the mid 2010's, an atmosphere of "wrong = fake" grew around certain online sites and answers like "I don't know" were made to feel dumb and immature. This led to those who were being grilled, specifically younger children between the ages of 13 and 15 years old, feeling like they had to lie or were otherwise offended when told the terms they were using were not correct for them. They did not want to admit they were initially wrong out of fear of rejection or bullying by the older adults. Now, grilling is deemed the evil in the communities, and anyone who dares question others or insinuates that one may be using the wrong terms is a "gatekeeper" who must be silenced.
But there is no shame in being wrong. There is no shame in making a mistake. It is good and healthy to ask yourself the hard questions and admit the hard things to ourselves. If you are not honest with yourself, you will forever feel the burden of the lie. The truth is, we are not "policing" you when we say the word you're using to describe yourself is not the right one for you. We are helping you be your authentic self. We are guiding you to the freedom that the right word for you will give you. When you have the right word for who you are and what you experience, it opens up the box you put yourself in trying to fit into a word that isn't for you, allowing you to spread your wings.
Meeting the basic criteria of something is not a bad thing. Fitting the definition of the labels you use is important because it does not force you to be anything other than yourself. Grilling was and should still be a common practice in any community, because it helps the community and the individuals who think they might be a part of them know if it really is the right place for them without having to compromise any fundamental personal parts of oneself in order to "fit in". Please consider that when we're telling you that trying to change the definition of a label to fit your own desires to be included in that community it is damaging not only to the community you're trying to change but also to yourself because you are trying to be something you're not, we're not "gatekeeping" you. We are not hating you. We are not making fun of you. We are helping you. We are encouraging you. We are teaching you. We are looking out for you.
