Fireside Friday’s #11 (3/16/18)
This week I am sharing a personal essay I wrote:
Things Change, But It’s Okay: Lara Croft and My Queerness
Coming out in the early 2000’s was a weird experience. In the same way being born in the mid 80’s makes me feel like I am fundamentally misunderstood, unmoored, not identifying with either Gen X or GenY; realizing I was a queer woman during a time in LGBT history where everything seemed stuck/in limbo was just odd. In the Post Ellen/Pre Marriage Equality era, queer life was just not really a mainstream topic of discussion. My perception was that it was okay to be gay as long as it was that other kid, and not me. Yes, in the 90s and early 00s people mostly still reduced the entire queer alphabet down to gay. Gay Straight Alliances were all the rage in California high schools, but before I left college LGBTQ had turned into LGBTQQIA, and our tent continues to broaden (holla LGBTQQIA2+). Based on informal polling of my college freshman friends, it was common to have one or two out kids in high school but it was more in vogue to be supportive or friends of queer people, than to actually be queer.
Before we had #buryyourgays, we had “sweeps week”— network executives favorite brand of lesbian exploitation. People don’t even talk about sweeps week anymore, do they? While Marissa was “exploring” her sexuality on the OC, there really was little mainstream media portrayals of lesbians for me to find myself in. Growing up in the 90’s wasn’t exactly like Pleasantville, but when I got some distance I realized how insidious heteronormative behaviors were (are) and how heterosexuality was (is) the default assumption. Particularly in popular media representations, which translates to what all my friends were talking about all the time, it’s just so straight.
Actually, the mainstream media representation that helped me realize I was in fact a big gay lady was a bad-ass (presumably) straight female character: Lara Croft, played by Angelina Jolie. Well her and of course fanfiction. It really is comical looking back on it. I mean I had a HUGE framed Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movie poster above our mantel in the living room (yes my mom is a saint and I am an only child who is slightly spoiled). After I came out, it never felt like everyone knew but me. It seems so obvious now, but looking back to when that poster went up, it wasn’t that I felt solidly straight, I just didn’t know I could be queer.
I was a tomboy out of the womb so I really didn’t contemplate my sexuality as the source of my being different. I just chalked it up to being an outgoing jock type. My Angelina Jolie obsession was born from Tomb Raider, but she became a prominent part of my self-realization process. Close friends would ask me if I was attracted to her and I would balk. Angie is stunning, but I was having an internal battle with myself over whether I wanted to be like her/Lara or be with her. Even with her image literally looming over me, making sense of my feelings just felt out of reach. At some point, I convinced myself it was just Angelina Jolie. She was just so extraordinary; finding her attractive was just plain human right? When I started to finally accept I wanted her on my celebrity free pass list, many things started to click into place. Understanding what I was feeling was actually attraction to women was not a lightning bolt moment. It took a lot of unpacking, self-analysis and time and space to unlearn normative behaviors and expectations and learn queer ones. After I came out, those female teacher crushes made a lot more sense. But again, I was an overachiever and highly engaged in class (read hand always up Hermione type), so I didn’t read my admiration/affection as attraction. My ultimate coming out solidified a very special place in my heart for the Tomb Raider franchise. In what I saw as the universe’s divine order, the sequel, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, even premiered on my birthday and I forced 15 friends to join me at the theatre to celebrate.
So, as you can imagine, I addressed the upcoming reboot with some serious side-eye. First, I really was not sold on Alicia Vikander as Lara because she seems so green. Second, where did this bow and arrow come from and where were her signature double pistols?! Third, why do they have to reboot everything, like can’t they just leave well enough alone? The original Tomb Raider still stands up; Angie is still hot, etc. etc.
But then...something shifted (aka I pulled my own head out of my ass). My wife and I have MoviePass and have sat through the new trailer quite a few times of late, and recently the expanded trailer (which is a lot better). Then I saw the recently released comic, and guess what? Lara is on the cover with a bow and arrow. It piqued my interest. My guttural response was that this new, different thing would somehow tarnish or ruin the old thing that meant so much to me. Well shit. I was acting just like all those blowhard man children who were talking so much BS about the Ghostbusters reboot. Self-reflection is hard, especially when it forces me to acknowledge my own poor behavior and less than evolved feelings. But this work is ever important, and doing something to change my wayward positions is important to me. So, I figured I could take my own advice and had two options: 1. Don’t see it and don’t worry about it, that thing you loved is still the same thing it has always been; or 2. Give it a fair shake on its own merits.
If you know me, you know I don’t do anything halfway. So having gotten out of my own way, I decided I wanted to see it. To get into it and understand the new direction, I felt I really had to relearn the franchise. The early 00s movies aren’t even where Lara got her start. This is a character that started as the main character in a video game, and is one of the earliest female characters to have a self-titled game. After seeing this video of Zachary Levi on a guided tour of the most recent reboot of the video game featuring British actress Camilla Luddington, buying and playing said game, and getting my hands on Mariko Tamaki’s Tomb Raider comic put out by Dark Horse, I feel really invested in the upcoming film.
And hey, while there is way better queer representation for young adults now in movies, TV and books, maybe another young woman who hasn’t quite figured herself out will sit down to see this movie with a group of friends and think to herself, is Alicia Vikander hot or do I just want to sign up for an archery class? Hopefully she realizes it’s both.
I saw the film on opening night and this is my twitter sized spoiler free review.
Despite my initial uneasiness about seeing this reboot, I am really glad I got over myself. It was a fun action movie. They were smart to reboot it as an origin story, it allowed them to choose a younger actress (Alicia Vikander was really good), who can grow into Lara. She is a little small in my opinion, but I bet they bulk her up for the next film. Her (Lara’s) inexperience is what I loved the most about this movie, she is just faking it until she makes it and is full of brazenness, fire and passion. It was a joy to watch her have more than a few “Oh Shit!” moments and come out the other side laughing at herself. Anyway, it’s 💯 a set up for a sequel, and honestly I can’t wait.
