#five4fifth

[emeraldcas]

Confession Countdown - Nov 3rd

mamma mia here I go again! & dean winchester ♡ // more abbanatural x x

[emeraldcas]

Confession Countdown - Nov 1st

Dean has things he's too afraid to say, so he scribbles them down in a notebook before tearing out the pages and destroying them 💔 (companion to this cas piece. click for quality)

[emeraldcas]

Confession Countdown - Nov 2nd - and so it goes // billy joel

In every heart there is a room

A sanctuary safe and strong

To heal the wounds from lovers past

Until a new one comes along

[emeraldcas]

Confession Countdown - Nov 4th 

The inner monologue of Dean as he sits on the dungeon floor after the empty takes Cas. Read below or on ao3 (900 words)

I hate you, Cas. I hate you so fucking much. How could you do this to me? I can’t move. I don’t even know if I’m still breathing. What does it matter? I feel like my head’s about to explode and it’s all your fault, you selfish piece of shit. How long have I been sitting here? An hour? Two? I don’t know. I don’t care. The ground is so cold. I think I might be shivering; I’m definitely shaking. I can feel the damp seeping into my bones but what the hell difference does it make? Maybe I’ll die here too. Maybe I’ll do what you did and just fucking leave. Desert my family, leave my friends, abandon everyone who ever cared about me. Maybe I’ll make some stupid fucking deal and not tell anyone about it. Dammit! I could have helped you, Cas. I could have stopped this. We could have stopped this. Together. I keep hoping this is a nightmare, but if it is I can’t wake up. I’ve tried and I can’t. If it’s a nightmare, it’s endless. I’ve been sitting here for years, but you only left me minutes ago. I deserve this. I know I do. I’ve done so much wrong in my life. I deserve to have a glimpse of something great and then lose it in the same second. And I’m so angry at you. I’m angry in every cell of my body. I want to burn the world down. I want to murder everyone in it. I want to melt into the floor and never get up again. And it’s your fault, it’s all your fault. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you, Cas. Why are you making me hate you? Please, just come back. Please come back, I’m sorry. You didn’t give me enough time. Why is there never enough goddamn time? This is all my fault, everything’s my fault. Just come back and I’ll hate myself enough for the both of us. If you can hear me, come back. I’m not asking, I’m telling you. Come back right fucking now. Please, Cas. Please. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make things right. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. You never even gave me a chance to try. I swear I can be better, just please come back. I hate you so much for what you said, for turning it into a weapon. I hate you so much it’s burning me up. But I can’t hate you as much as I love you. Fuck, Cas, I love you. Of course I love you! Why didn’t you let me tell you? I wanted to tell you. You didn’t give me enough time! You were here and now you’re gone, and I don’t even have a body to burn this time. Shit. Cas, don’t make me do that again. Don’t make me grieve you. I can’t do it again, it almost killed me the last time. Shit. Did my silence make you leave? Would you have stayed if I’d just told you the truth? I’m such a fucking coward. If I told you that I’ve been in love with you for years, that I dream about you at night, that I miss you when you leave a room, that I thought that you didn’t feel the same way, that you couldn’t feel the same way - then would you still be here? Why didn’t I just tell you? I should have just said it. I wanted to. I tried, when we were in purgatory. You cut me off and I thought that was it, you didn’t want to hear it. Just please come back. I’m sorry, alright? For everything. I’ll do it right this time, because this can’t be it, not after everything we’ve been through. This can’t be the end of us. We deserve a chance. A life. We’ve given everything to the world, why does it get to take this too? There’s this screaming in my head now and it won’t stop. What am I supposed to do? I love you; I’m saying it out loud. I’m yelling it. If I shout it loud enough, will you come back? I’m sorry I couldn’t say it when it mattered, but I’ll say it now. I’ll say it every day. I love you, Cas. Please, just come back to me. Please don’t turn our love into a weapon. You can take it back if it means you’ll stay. You can take it back if it brings you home. It’ll carve me up inside, but I don’t care. It will be worth it to have you safe, to have you alive. This isn’t right. Loving me killed you, I know it did. I’m broken and dangerous and I hurt the people I love. I always have. Shit, what am I supposed to do now? My body’s here but I left the moment you did. I’m gone, and I can’t ever come back if you’re not here. Tell me there’s a way to get you back? I’ll do anything. Please just talk to me, tell me you can hear me. I have to get you back, Cas. I need to get you back. I swear I’ll get you back. I promise I will.

Please, Cas.

Cas?

[emeraldcas]

Confession Countdown - Nov 5th

It's November 5th and Sam can't help but reflect on life as he goes for his morning run. Read below or on ao3 (1.3k)

Sam stretches in the weak morning light, rolling his shoulders and taking a deep breath before taking off on his daily run. His sneakers slap loudly against the sidewalk, breaking the silence of the early morning. He runs without music, preferring to think as he moves, to unravel the thoughts that build up in his head like dust as he sleeps. And he has plenty to think about these days. Good things, thankfully. Great things. Like Eileen asleep at the house, her hair fanned out across the pillow and her mouth hanging half open. Sam kissed her closed eyelids before he left and when she sighed contentedly in her sleep, it felt like his heart might burst right out of his chest.

He thinks about other things too. Simple things. Like the pancake mix he prepared before he left, or the simple pleasure of this crisp November morning as his sneakers pound against the pavement. Solid beneath his feet. Real. But most of all he thinks about his brother, and he thinks about his best friend Castiel, and he thinks about what they have now, and a smile settles on his face. He’s so proud of Dean, and he’s so happy for him, but most of all he’s relieved. He’s so relieved he feels like he could dance. Dean is happy, and he’s okay. For the first time in his life, he’s really, genuinely okay.

One year.

One year to the day that Cas told Dean he loved him.

One year to the day that Dean fell apart at the seams.

Sam’s faced a lot of terrifying things in his life, but he’s never felt as scared as he did in the weeks after that day. Dean shut down in a way he never had before. He wouldn’t even tell Sam what happened that night. He couldn’t. The words stuck in his throat like glass. Eventually Sam found the security footage from the dungeon that Dean had hidden in his room. And it broke his heart into a million pieces. Seeing Cas dragged away like that, seeing how much he was hurting, seeing Dean freeze as the world came crashing down around him. Sam couldn’t sleep or eat for days after watching it, and it was so much worse for Dean. He was there. He had to live through that. He had to live with that. He was like a zombie, just going through the motions of life but inside he was dead. And Sam couldn’t do a single thing to help him.  

Sam picks up the pace, hoping the speed will put some distance between him and those horrible memories. He tries not to dwell on that awful time much these days. They got Cas back, they saved him, Dean saved him, and they’re all getting better. And yeah, it’s taking some time, but every day Sam feels a little bit lighter. He cried when he saw Cas again, great ugly sobs of relief. But that’s nothing compared to how Dean broke down, how he tore towards him in the empty like a dying man finding oxygen just when he’s on the brink of destruction. He knocked Cas over in his desperation to get to him, and then he held him so tight Sam was afraid he might break him. After that they just clung to each other as Dean rocked him back and forth and repeated the same thing over and over again “I love you, Cas. You can have me. I’m here. I love you, don’t ever leave me again.”  

Sam loops around the block and starts to head back towards the house, his mind flipping back to when they escaped from the empty.  

After they made it out, it took Cas some time to adjust. It was really tough on him. On Dean too. He didn’t believe it was real at first, thought it was some cruel new torture conjured up by the empty. Sam still remembers how hurt Dean looked every time Cas flinched away from his touch. But he waited patiently, and he treated Cas so gently it made Sam’s heart ache to see it. When Cas got frustrated, which was a lot, Dean let him yell and break things. When Cas got upset, which was even more often, Dean let him cry until he had no tears left. Sometimes Sam would walk by the Deancave and see the two of them sitting together in silence in front of the blank television, Cas’ head resting on Dean’s shoulder. He never disturbed them when they were like that. They both needed time to heal, to grieve for the maybes and the what ifs. A tiny part of him felt lonely then, to be outside the bubble they’d always shared, but the bigger part of him knew better, knew that he was just as important to them as they were to him. And he had Eileen. He smiles to himself just thinking of her, picturing her kind eyes and her laugh and her smile. She’s so good for him he can hardly believe it. And she was there when he needed someone to talk to. And when Dean and Cas finally emerged from their shells, finally started to smile and laugh again, Sam and Eileen were ready and waiting to greet them.

And now they’re together, Dean and Cas. They finally found each other. It took them long enough to make destiel happen, or whatever it was those teenagers called it. Sam smiles to himself remembering it. They really were right about those two. Suppose a lot of people were. Sam even had a few suspicions of his own. And when he looks at how they are around each other now, it’s so obvious how in love they are, so clear how long they’ve been in love. Probably have been since the night they met, even if they didn’t know it back them. And yeah, Sam can’t help but notice how especially watchful Dean is over Cas now, how protective he is. He sees how they stick together like glue, even more than they did before. If Dean goes to get a glass of water, Cas goes with him. If Cas wants to get a book to read, Dean is right there behind him. It’s like they're both afraid that the other person will disappear if they lose track of them for even a second. There’s fear behind it, but there’s love too. Enough to fill a dam. They sit pressed shoulder to shoulder wherever they are, their hands reaching for one another, their fingers winding together over chairs and under tables. When they sit anywhere, Dean instinctively rests his hand on Cas’ thigh or on his arm. It’s a grounding touch and Cas visibly relaxes beneath it, every single time.  

Sam turns a corner and approaches the house. Dean and Cas have earned the right to be a little clingy after everything they’ve been through. It was such a relief to see the light come back into Dean’s eyes, to hear him laugh again, to see him smile again. He still can’t seem to talk about that night, it hurts too much, but they’re all getting a little stronger every day. Together. Sam let’s himself in the backdoor of his home and the smell of pancakes greets him immediately. He closes his eyes and counts his blessings for what feels like the millionth time. For the first time in a long time, it feels like they all have a chance at happiness, at a real life. He has Eileen and Dean has Cas and they all have each other. The future is right here in front of them, in each other, in their little family, and in something as simple as pancakes. He takes his phone out of his pocket, scrolls through his contact list and hits dial. Dean’s never been one to turn down pancakes, and him and Cas are a package deal these days.  

It’s November fifth and everyone is safe.

It’s November 5th and everyone is happy.

It’s November fifth, and it’s the perfect time for a family breakfast.  

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*taglist! <3 lmk if you wanna be added or removed - there’s always space!

@floorcas @tootiredmotel @postpunkdean @faithlesshunter @deanlovescasblog @jactingjoices @justcastiel @reblogging4thewin @caskarass @supernatural-jaeger @milfcodeddean @aheartofgold @destieldisaster @on-maars @casenergies @pointyearedelvishprincling @thee5th @zorelle @bluishorange @thedestielshow @chapeldean @casismymrdarcy @shakespeareintellectualbadass @hermscat @5november2020 @blue-eyed-cutiepatootie @thenightwemetnatural @10x02 @sunbeamcastiel @aristocas21 @charlesgunn @outoftouchthursdayschild @rememberremember5thofnov @pinkinthenightdean

[emeraldcas]

Just a little psa that from Nov 1st - Nov 5th I'll be dropping a new creation each day to celebrate the countdown to the confession and using the tag #Five4Fifth. And in general feel free to tag me in stuff/use #emeraldcas