SHIT SAID ON HGTV’S FIXER UPPER
“ the dead squirrel is the least of our concerns. ”
“ i didn’t have the guts to do it. ”
“ these are very reasonably priced at only $4,500. ”
“ have you seen me with my pants off? the calves look great. ”
“ he gave you a $20 and asked for change back and you said ‘no’ ? ”
“ this is for the baby chickens that we’re having. ”
“ all seriousness aside...did you just jack up my hair? ”
“ step in here, hot pants. ”
“ i rank trees in climbability. ”
“ i don’t know if you can do a comb-over in a beard. ”
“ maybe i was trying too hard the first couple times.”
“ i feel like i’m sexy because i can see through my bangs. and only people that are pretty sexy can do that. ”
“ wrong-o, peanut butter breath! ”
“ raise your hand if you wanna break some stuff. ”
“ the only way you know who wins is whoever’s dead. ”
“ [name], that’s an axe. ”
“ remember that time i brought you a whole box of dogs? ”
“ this is my second-favorite day of the year. ”
“ back in my glory days, i’d jump out of the back of a pickup truck and catch an armadillo so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. ”
“ i think he peed on me - smell this. ”
“ [name] we’re gonna get kicked out of here. ”
“ just happy to wake up in the middle of the night and kill you. ”
“ you know one of these dolls has murdered someone. ”
“ i’m having a day-mare right now. ”
“listen to this: *makes squeaking noises* ”
“ this is what they call tickling the ivories, baby. ”
“ that dude knows how to swing a hammer. ”
“ what’s the bad news? other than that everything’s GONE. ”
“ when did I develop this speech impediment? ”
“ i was the karaoke king. ”
“ you can’t knock the 90’s out of this. you can’t. ”
“ this is the only way this works - is if you’re in the twerk position. ”
“ your shoes? change ‘em. ”
“ i will always bring the pizza. ”
“ right now it’s tomorrow. ”
“ you know — the hat trick. where the guy takes off his hat and puts on a different one. ”
“ i don’t like any juices — i just like bacon. ”
“ do you have any temporary tattoos i can borrow? ”
“ when i wear that hat i get hit in the head with stuff 20% less frequently. ”
“ this is not an all-you-can-eat buffet. ”
“ let’s blow some stuff up. ”