[inconsistentmemes]

TRY GUYS GET BRAZILIAN WAXES

taken from here because this was too ridiculous not to meme.

“ a brazilian wax is, of course, one that’s done in brazil. ”

“ i’m not happy. i don’t wanna do this, i’m not interested in this…i don’t deserve this. ”

“ how am i gonna explain this at bath time? ”

“ we’re gonna be on all fours like a dog…you could fart. ”

“ i don’t want a boner in the office. ”

“ i don’t think i’m gonna get a boner. historically it hasn’t always been up to me. ”

“ one of my fears is that my dick is gonna come clean off. ”

“ it just felt weird to pooh bear it. ”

“ we’re all sweating, i’m fear sweating. ”

“ i don’t feel the best version of me… ”

“ is it customary afterward to say ‘thank you daddy’? ”

“ this is the moment i realize we’re in it, and there’s really nothing i can do. ”

“ that was a little bit more than expected, daddy! ”

“ woo, first cuts the deepest, i’m sure it’s gonna be great after that. ”

“ i feel like steam just shot out of my ears, i feel like i’m in a cartoon. ”

“ my whole body just suddenly got drenched in sweat. ”

“ scrotum…yeah that’s right i said it. ”

“ there is hot wax on my nutsacks. ”

“ grip it and rip it, baby. ”

“ it’s a jungle out there… ”

“ the only ones i’ve seen are on the back of trucks. ”

“ depends on your threshold…if you’re a weakling, you’re gonna be a weakling forever. ”

“ i’ve completely forgotten about the fact that i’m naked. ”

“ as i stare deeply into ____’s eyes i really gotta watch out for the accidental boner. ”

“ it’s a fear boner, it’s a real thing. ”

“ oh i’m in the home stretch now? you’re just rounding third base and sliding into my asshole. ”

“ i need to warn you that i think my butthole is sweaty right now…”

“ my biggest fear was that i was gonna have a little poopoo in my butthole. ”

“ oh my god, ahh, there’s hot wax in my butthole…what a sensation. guys you gotta try this. ”

“ that’s the number one fart pose right there…that feels dangerous. ”

“ she’s just folding up my ass like a table. ”

“ it feels crazy, i feel so ashamed. ”

“ oh my god my asshole is so barren, that’s incredible. ”

“ it’s like when you vacuum a really dirty carpet, it’s satisfying. ”

“ you know i’ve always wanted my dick to be referred to as oddly satisfying. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

THE TRY GUYS DRESS LIKE ZACH

taken from here.

“ their current fashion is fancy pajamas. ”

“ this look made me think, ‘wow, that person tweets’. ”

“ i don’t think i own blue jeans anymore. ”

“ they say dress for the job you want, and i dress like someone who wants to be unemployed. ”

“ …it’s hideous. ”

“ this is an outfit you could make my ripping apart the muppets and turning them into clothes. ”

“ you do look like you’d sell me drugs. but only psychedelics. ”

“ anything stupid must be purchased. ”

“ don’t be afraid to come chat with me about these cats. ”

“ i have the tiniest head in the world. ”

“ you look like the camp counselor at the zoo. ”

“ why have tight pants when you can have loose pants? ”

“ cause you like to show off…dat ass. ”

“ life is painful enough, so fuck it, let’s get fluffy. ”

“ you look like a popstar. ”

“ maybe i should try tea. ”

“ i wanna wear some cat shirts, carry multiple cups of liquid, and be 15 minutes late to everything. ”

“ i really wish i could turn into a blanket. ”

“ i used to do stop motion, but with you i wanna start some motion. ”

“ i love dogs. and i love otters! and i love alaska! ”

*singing* “ you, you, you, you otter knowwww. ” 

“ it is hot in here or just my ankles? ”

“ i’m even more uncomfortable now. ”

“ it feels like i’m wearing a tiny condom on my head. ”

“ you want it to be a condom that hasn’t been unrolled yet. ”

“ if i saw him at a coffee shop and i needed directions, i’ll look for anyone else. ”

“ this gives me such strong creepy guy at the dock energy. ”

“ you look less like you’re about to sell me drugs on the dock, you’re just now gonna take all the drugs that i bought. ” 

“ it kind of looks like i just escaped from a hospital, and i just bought the clothes that i could afford with $5 from a thrift shop. ”

“ i never thought it was possible for me to be more attracted to you, but here we are. ”

“ i’ve had a sex dream like this and this is wonderful. ”

“ if i saw this group of guys, they’re definitely doing drugs in a park. ” 

[inconsistentmemes]

STUPID SHIT JOSH GATES SAYS

taken from random episodes & bts of destination unknown.

“ they call me mr. myanmar. ”

“ it’s like the chinese jar-jar binks. ”

“ sounds like a nightmare version of the star wars cantina song. ”

“ the old bag of brains – classic! ”

“ this is the fanciest coconut i’ve ever seen. ”

*singing* “ everything hurts~ my hips are broken, shattered into pieces! ”

“ sharp knife on a moving train is not, i think, advisable. ”

“ here is the legendary sword excalibur with the inscription …made in china. ”

“ welcome to wales. it looks a lot like england, but everything is spelled really funny. ”

“ they love roundabouts. they’ll put a roundabout in a roundabout. love driving in circles. ”

“ this is now my home. gonna have my mail delivered here. i’m never leaving this bar. ”

“ below the waist right now? i feel liberated. ”

“ i’m never wearing underwear again. ”

“ listen – who’s the one holding the sword here? ”

“ well we didn’t get beaten and kicked out so that’s a good start. ”

“ if you get stuck out here, nobody’s coming to get you. ”

“ nothing an old strap and a few knots can’t fix! ”

“ i’d like to apologize for being a scallywag to everyone. ”

“ pirate wigs are 100% human ‘h’arrr’! ”

“ i had this terrible dream i was in a super shitty pickup truck in the middle of the ocean… ”

“ it’s amazing what you can find on romanian craigslist. ”

“ this is my baby now. i’m gonna eat it. i’m gonna eat my baby. my hot buttery bread baby. ”

“ you dig up a body and eat a heart, you’re gonna get a bit of attention, you know? ”

“ i look like an extra in a monty python skit. ”

“ i look like a peasant. ”

“ i don’t know what time it is …or what country i’m in. ”

“ you’re like a james bond villain. ”

“ double or nothing for the cat. ”

“ this is some land of the lost, tarzan bullshit right here. ”

“ i could use a shower, a drink, and a bed - preferably in that order. ”

“ don’t. touch. anything. ”

“ oh, yes, ice cream. let’s go. forget about history. ”

“ horse milk was a bad idea. ”

“ just a couple dudes in a rowboat. doing what dudes do. paddling together in the darkness. ”

“ i’m not wearing any pants. that’s the truth. ”

“ what am i doing? fuck you. ”

“ it’s like an ice cream cone, but it’s full of meat. ”

“ may i recommend 100% raw turnip juice. ”

“ i’m sorry, i’m touching all sorts of things down here i shouldn’t be touching. ”

“ normally i don’t trust a guy who just walks up to me in the street with a fork. ”

“ so many things in here for me to break. ”

“ pirates would often carry soap … in case they got washed ashore. ”

“ couple gallons of paint, a few exorcisms and this place’ll be ready to go. ”

“ every trip to the bathroom in england is a real adventure. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

RANDOM LYRICS FROM MY SPOTIFY DAILY MIX PLAYLISTS

so a lot of these ended up on the angsty side, whoops!  enjoy!

“ all I see now is your greed, dollar signs in your eyes. ”

“ the only time a fool like him is satisfied is when he’s all stone cold drunk. ”

“ every feeling in my bones tells me to lash out and tell you to fuck off. ”

“ ‘cause everything’s changing, and I don’t know shit about shit. ”

“ i wanna be a good man, i wanna do right. i don’t wanna be a criminal for the rest of my life. ”

“ i’ve seen your best and worst, and at your worst you’re still the best. ”

“ you’re lost and so confused from a choice you couldn’t choose. i know just how it feels, ‘cause i felt that somewhere too. ”

“ you look like trouble, and i think i’ve seen enough. ”

“ if you must know what i think of you…so help me lord, i’m gonna speak the truth. ”

“ terrifies me that you’re willing to stay. if you follow me down it’ll bring you pain. ”

“ you’ve always been a huge piece of shit. if i could kill you i would, but it’s frowned upon in all fifty states. having said that, burn in hell. ”

“ remember when we all got drunk? i ended up with two broke thumbs…oh my god i felt so dumb. ”

“ i tried to sell my soul last night. funny, he wouldn’t even take a bite. ”

“ how come everything important, only happens when i’m dormant? why does everything that’s neat only happen when i sleep? ”

“ and you can tell your friends and all their friends, i want the whole wide world to know. ”

“ and one day we might have a big house with nice cars and fancy clothes. ”

“ i’m gonna give you fair warning that i will be the reason for the tears in your eyes. ”

“ woke up this morning, i feel so fucking important. ”

“ so i got an apartment across from the park. put quinoa in my fridge, still i’m not feelin’ grown. ”

“ you don’t understand how easy you are to need. ”

“ so are you done pretending your vanity is anything but temporary. ”

“ if i said i was okay, i’d be lying through my teeth. ”

“ and everything inside of me was saying i should run. ”

“ we can’t waste a minute, it needs to happen now. ”

“ i look in the mirror i don’t like what i see. ”

“ believe the words they say, you live through your past. ”

“ if you think you’re better than me, i know you’re not. ”

“ funny, how we say we don’t need it then turn around and try to achieve it. ”

“ then i turn around and think i see someone that looks like you. ”

“ and one day all the walls will come down, all the doors will open, all the roads will lead home. ”

“ can we forget about the things i said when i was drunk? ”

“ too much night to start the day is the only way to be. ”

“ call it what you wanna call it, i’m calling it criminal. ”

“ and in an hour if you hear me shout, come a-runnin. ”

“ tonight, we’ll all be outlaws, take what we want and then ride off. tonight, we’ll feel alive. ”

“ well i’ll meet you at the river where we both can clear our heads. ”

“ how much evidence do you need? ”

“ i need a short term fix for a long term problem. ”

“ who was it that said that great things come to great men? well, that fucker lied to us. ”

“ i’m a little pissed off today and there ain’t nothing you can do about it. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

THE REAL IMPORTANT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS PART 2

another random assortment for your enjoyment!

do they enjoy silence or find it too loud?

how many hours of sleep do they average per night?

would they ever skydive/paraglide/etc?

describe their dream home.  looks, location, decorations, etc.

can they roller skate/skateboard?  would they like to learn?

what’s their favorite dish to cook?  favorite dish to order out?

describe their dream vacation.  would they take anyone or go alone?

are they close to any of their family members?  

what is their idea of the afterlife?  does it scare them?

what’s their love language?  

would they describe themselves as beautiful/handsome/etc?  

did their childhood have a negative or positive impact on them?  

what they wanted to be when they grew up vs what they do now.

what type of neighborhood did they grow up in?  do they still live there?

does their family/friends have any traditions they take part of?

who is their best friend?  how long have they known them?

do they have anyone they consider their enemy?  what did they do to gain that title?

did they have a rebellious stage as a teenager?  what did it involve?

what’s currently in their pockets/purse/etc?

how much cash do they generally carry with them?

do they celebrate any holidays?  what are the celebrations like?  do they have a favorite?

have they ever traveled outside their country?

are they an affectionate person?  how do they feel about pda?

if they were choosing an adventure to go on what would it consist of?

have they ever been in a physical fight?  what happened?

are they more likely to take the leader role or let someone else call the shots?

has anyone ever betrayed their trust?  do they still speak to them?

do they believe in magic?  why do they have this belief?

do they wake up on the first alarm, hit snooze, or have multiple alarms set? 

what’s the first major event they remember in their life?

what would their three wishes be if they found a genie?  

have they ever ended a relationship to pursue their career/education further?  what happened?

what do they consider their worst habit? 

are they good at explaining things to others?

how do they handle being upset/angry?  do they yell, cry, go silent, etc?

do they have any habits they believe are odd?

if they could hit redo on a single past event in their life what would it be?  would they do it if it meant changing the present?

what does their future look like when they picture it?  who’s there with them?

have they ever been to court?  what was the outcome?

what would they do for a klondike bar?

[inconsistentmemes]

Too Many Spirits • Ryan & Shane Get the Drunkest & Read the Most Festive Ghost Stories

sentences taken from here.

“ say your line, biatch. ”

“ now we’re fuckin’ kentucky fried, baby. ”

“ shut your mouth. ”

“ one of us has more sex appeal obviously. ”

“ how am i supposed to compete with this? ”

“ i’m so intimidated. ”

“ i would never kill him. ”

“ speaking of yolk, look at ____’s arms. ”

“ you’re just squeezing it with your hand? ”

“ that’s the sex appeal. ”

“ why are you so good at this?! what is wrong with me? ”

“ i don’t understand what i’m doing. i don’t even know why i’m here. ”

“ all i have is nothing anymore. ”

“ i don’t want your patronizing shit. ”

“ you’re too nice. why are you here? ”

“ you son of a bitch. ”

“ i didn’t mean to kill him. i didn’t think he was gonna die. ”

“ do people often pronounce the l in yolk? ”

“ i’m really happy with ____’s negligence and just overall inability, because right now it really benefited me. ”

“ looks like he has some ornament nipple piercings too. ”

“ and your nipples are really wide. ”

“ alright. let’s get naked. ”

“ well, yours are trying to escape to your pits. ”

“ okay, time to drink some more wine and whiskey! ”

“ don’t strangle the squirrels. i’m gonna. ”

“ you like centipedes? you like…a human centipede? ”

“ i could be convinced. ”

“ if it caught on fire, i’d be really thrilled for you. ”

“ i felt like such a fuckin’ asshole when i did it. ”

“ we know what he looks like, and we know what it would look like if someone dismembered him. ”

“ this is extremely fucked up. this is themost fucked up thing i’ve ever read. ”

“ i hate when you do that. ”

“ is that like code for something, or? ”

“ i don’t like that. that’s nightmares. ”

“ that sounds like a hereditary grandma, you gotta get rid of that lady cause she’s gonna put the devil in you. ”

“ sounds like bullshit. ”

“ oh, this is classic us. this is good. ”

“ if i’m a funny grandpa, my main goal is to just freak out my grandkids however i can. ”

“ why do you sound like pennywise? ” 

“ they seem to be implying that we all know what this means. ”

“ so many fucking unanswered questions. ”

“ kids don’t have fingers until fourth grade. ”

“ it’s the tip of the iceberg. but sometimes that iceberg’s enough to sink the fuckin titanic. ”

“ you know what? you’ve sold me. ”

“ so much easier to go off the grid, jason bourne style back in the day. now if i wanna do that, i gotta smash my phone with a rock. ”

“ you look like your mind was legitimately resetting there. ”

“ sometimes you’ve gotta commit to the bit. ”

“ oh you’re being very, very, very generous. ”

“ i love a weird house with a few weird things about it. ”

“ open up the mighty flame as we commit these stories to hell. ”

“ back to the spirit realm, you motherfuckers! ”

“ see you next year, toot toot, et cetera, whatever… ”

“ let’s burn some more things. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

THE REAL IMPORTANT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS

enjoy!  these have no theme, just a bunch of random but fun questions.

what time do they usually go to bed and wake up?

what products are in their shower/tub?  what are the scents?

do they use candles?  favorite scent?

if they could meet/talk to one person, dead or alive, who would it be?  what would they say to them?

do they own any sentimental objects?  why are they sentimental?

favorite family member?  why?

do they dance?  what type of music gets them moving?

has there ever been a time where they feared for their life?  why?

what was their favorite childhood activity?

when they look into a mirror, are they happy with what they see?  why or why not?

do they still have childhood friends?

what do their holidays look like?  family/friends/etc.

do they celebrate their birthday?  why or why not?

what do they have as their phone background?

what’s their handwriting like?  neat and precise/sloppy/cursive/etc.

have they ever been to an amusement park?  

have they ever used a dating app?  how did it go?

what do they sleep in?  what side of the bed do they sleep on?

favorite place they’ve ever been?  what made it their favorite?

do they prefer to watch a movie at home or in the theater?

have they ever run away from home?

what’s their nightly/morning routine like?

if they have pets, what’s their dumb nicknames for them?

favorite deodorant?  toothpaste?  lotion?

do they sing in the shower?  what’s their go-to song if so?

describe their living situation.  what does their living room/bedroom/kitchen/etc look like?

what’s one thing they’ve done that they’re the most proud of?

would they ever go to a haunted house?

how many languages do they speak?  would they like to learn more?

why types of books do they read?  do they have a favorite?

if given the opportunity, would they go to space?  why or why not?

if the world didn’t rely on money, what would their dream occupation be?

do they play any instruments?  if not, would they like to learn one?

what would they do if they won the lottery?

what’s their favorite method of self-care?

would they ever go camping off grid?

if money wasn’t an issue, where is their dream home?

how often do they cook at home versus getting takeout, etc?

do they have anyone in their past they would like closure from?  who and why?

what would they do for a klondike bar?

[inconsistentmemes]

PUPPET HISTORY  —  THE GREAT EMU WAR

“ the beef boy is dead. long live the beef boy. ”

“ i kinda forgot you were bigger than me. ”

“ i haven’t heard that a lot in my life so thank you. ”

“ what do you guys think about birds? ”

“ i saw a pigeon trip over a twig once, and i laughed about it for years. ”

“ is this what it feels like to learn? ”

“ don’t mess this up, [name]. ”

“ but you know, i’m a little chicken. ”

“ i just don’t like the idea of no one being able to hear me scream. ”

“ okay, i’m scaring myself. ”

“ i’m so scared of everything all the time. ”

“ i can see you being a wheat farmer. ”

“ i’ve been on farms and shit…i’m from the sticks basically. ”

“ i think you just walked through some grass at some point. ”

“ they didn’t promise. they promised to promise. ”

“ well study hard, et cetera, whatever. ”

“ time to get my gown on and grab my veggie tray out of the fridge, bye. ”

“ chicken’s a bird right, technically? ”

“ if i could fly like that, you would tell people i could fly. ”

“ if [name] could jump up in the air and float around for 15 seconds i’d be like, yo, they can fly. ”

“ bark with me! *barks like a seal* ”

“ nothin if not cheap. ”

“ oh shit, they’re gonna fight. ”

“ it sounds like 40,000 feet running straight towards us. ”

“ oh my god, run! there’s emus everywhere! ”

“ how did he do that. that was crazy. ”

“ what, does he have 20,000 hands? ”

“ hi, stop doing math. ”

“ oh my god you are fixing this in my favor and i’m loving it. ”

“ what the fuck is so hard for you to understand about how many feet birds have?! ”

“ you know at least you didn’t let me take the fall by myself there. ”

“ i’ve been disruptive, i think. ”

“ i had a car that couldn’t go over 40 miles an hour…and it’s parked outside. ”

“ so you would punch and strangle a bald eagle if it came between you and your cat? ”

“ i went to an ostrich farm once and that bird was fuckin scary as hell. ”

“ let me just…let me analyze this moment. ”

“ that’s a…damn…big…group of…birds. ”

“ i think they’re trying to activate the winter soldier. ”

“ now that we’re back in the same room and smelling each other’s beautiful scents. ”

“ we gotta get more emus in our military. ”

“ i dunno if that’s the takeaway here. ”

“ he’s here for the negotiation but he brought a large bird with him. ”

“ how bout you take a look in the mirror. ”

“ you would do it if a real hunk asked you? ”

“ what a stupid meet cute. ”

“ we keep having people get murdered on stage lately. ”

“ sometimes art hurts. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

THE CAPTIVE SPIRITS OF EASTERN STATE PENITENTIARY 

buzzfeed unsolved supernatural — sentences taken from here.

“ think we’re gonna die here tonight? ”

“ i hear bats. ”

“ i’ll just go in one of these little holes...no i won’t. ”

“ seems like at a certain point in history they figured out that maybe locking someone in a dark for was bad for the brain. ”

“ not they didn’t all look like the hamburglar. ”

“ i do know when i try and steal your food you get really upset, so… ”

“ meh, go fuck yourself. ”

“ you gotta be solitary, it’s right there in the name. ”

“ oh my god, i fucking hate this. ”

“ stop banging on the door you dick. ”

“ so charles dickens specifically was like, ‘oh i’m gonna go to america, see that prison’. ”

“ don’t get scared by my long legged friend. ”

“ it’s probably a raccoon. ”

“ starter pistol, ka-chow. ”

“ i have a light, i have a little recorder too. ”

“ what the fuck is wrong with you? ”

“ if you forgot your human name, just look at your ghostly torso. ”

“ oh god, it’s already happening. ”

“ have a taste. ”

“ that was a joke that i made. ”

“ flip that switch. ”

“ do you think that’s the murder switch? ”

“ this is embarrassing for you, i think. ”

“ doesn’t matter, no one’s ghost-proof. ”

“ i’m ghost-proof, baby. ” 

“ you’re not ghost-proof, you’re just an idiot. ”

“ i guess we’re asking a ghost if you were haunted by a ghost when you were here. ”

“ a ghost can’t haunt a ghost. ”

“ this is gonna make my mind melt. ”

“ that sounded like will smith. ”

“ this is the highest of standards here. ”

“ why does this happen so often, it ends with a hole or a pit? ”

“ it’s a hole what else can you do. ”

“ i think i heard rats down here. ”

“ this looks like a place where a serial killer would keep his victims. ”

“ if there’s something that attacks us down here i’m going to hit my head on the ceiling. ”

“ i hate that you were so game for that. ”

“ this is ill advised. ”

“ just get outta here so i can get this over with. ”

“ my eyes are starting to play tricks on me. ”

“ oh my god, i think i see something in front of me. ”

“ let’s get the fuck outta here. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

SHIT SAID ON HGTV’S FIXER UPPER

“ the dead squirrel is the least of our concerns. ”

“ i didn’t have the guts to do it. ”

“ these are very reasonably priced at only $4,500. ”

“ have you seen me with my pants off? the calves look great. ”

“ he gave you a $20 and asked for change back and you said ‘no’ ? ” 

“ this is for the baby chickens that we’re having. ”

“ all seriousness aside...did you just jack up my hair? ”

“ step in here, hot pants. ”

“ i rank trees in climbability. ”

“ i don’t know if you can do a comb-over in a beard. ”

“ maybe i was trying too hard the first couple times.”

“ i feel like i’m sexy because i can see through my bangs. and only people that are pretty sexy can do that. ” 

“ wrong-o, peanut butter breath! ”

“ raise your hand if you wanna break some stuff. ”

“ the only way you know who wins is whoever’s dead. ”

“ [name], that’s an axe. ”

“ remember that time i brought you a whole box of dogs? ”

“ this is my second-favorite day of the year. ”

“ back in my glory days, i’d jump out of the back of a pickup truck and catch an armadillo so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. ” 

“ i think he peed on me - smell this. ” 

“ [name] we’re gonna get kicked out of here. ”

“ just happy to wake up in the middle of the night and kill you. ”

“ you know one of these dolls has murdered someone. ”

“ i’m having a day-mare right now. ”

“listen to this: *makes squeaking noises* ”

“ this is what they call tickling the ivories, baby. ”

“ that dude knows how to swing a hammer. ”

“ what’s the bad news? other than that everything’s GONE. ”

“ when did I develop this speech impediment? ”

“ i was the karaoke king. ”

“ you can’t knock the 90’s out of this. you can’t. ”

“ this is the only way this works - is if you’re in the twerk position. ”

“ your shoes? change ‘em. ”

“ i will always bring the pizza. ”

“ right now it’s tomorrow. ”

“ you know — the hat trick. where the guy takes off his hat and puts on a different one. ”

“ i don’t like any juices — i just like bacon. ”

“ do you have any temporary tattoos i can borrow? ”

“ when i wear that hat i get hit in the head with stuff 20% less frequently. ”

“ this is not an all-you-can-eat buffet. ”

“ let’s blow some stuff up. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

sentences taken from here.

“ i am a little high. ”

“ i thought i took these melatonin gummies, but i think they were...weed gummies. ”

“ cuz being drunk makes you sad, and the world is sad...you know what i mean. ”

“ i call it a bathing suit, but you don’t bathe in it. ”

“ a sloth riding a t-rex shooting lasers out of its eyes? who is she cause i’m takin’ her home. ”

“ do i look like a wrestler? ”

“ when i come out onto the screen...my name would just be 420. ”

“ you can see me in a walmart in this, right? ”

“ you could put cups on me cause i’m a doily. ”

“ i feel like my stomach is wearing a fingerless glove. ”

“ do we still give outies to people? or was that a mistake we cleared up in the nineties? ”

“ if you wanna have a pool party at your house get in your bathtub, pop open a bottle of wine, and watch grey’s anatomy. ”

“ that’s why women are gods. has god actually made a baby in front of you? no. ”

“ a tan line would make me look like i have a twenty-pack. ”

“ i’d wear this to a sonic convention, so that he can collect all these rings. ”

“ i feel like i look like iron man right now, right? like i look like a fuckable iron man. ”

“ i can clap with my little lobster feet. i’m very talented. ”

“ check out my mugs. ”

“ this is pixelated chest hair. ”

“ if you’re gonna wear this, and your goal is to make people uncomfortable...you gotta lean in baby. ”

“ hey. let’s just get gross. ”

“ what’s sexier than revealing everything ON your body? revealing everything IN your body. ”

“ picture this: a magic bus… ”

“ get on the bus, we’re going inside somebody’s body. ”

“ it feels like i’m a drawing on the floor with which you could cast spells in. ”

“ i feel like meat that has been strung up and left to dry. ”

“ and what do you do in space? you ride a t-rex. ”

“ is the booty hairy? i can’t see it, is it cute? ”

[inconsistentmemes]

sentences taken from here.

“ it looks like your dick has a tie on. ”

“ it’s just hot people dressing weird, and then we’re all at home going ‘ohhh’. ”

“ oh my god there’s so much fabric. ”

“ it looks like something that’ll take two days of my time and that’s what i’m lookin’ for right now. ”

“ i was looking for a couple days busy work, not 600 hours. ”

“ to me that’s a bunch of sticks in a circle. ”

“ you don’t need no jesus. i’m your religion. i’m your god. ”

“ i can’t even imagine how she got into this dress...let alone how she got out of it. ”

“ i own nun-chucks, because...i do. ”

“ ohhhhh matchsticks! yes, yes, yes. ”

“ and that’s what i need to do, i need to be dripping wet. ”

“ it’s 4pm, and that means i am late to my happy hour. ”

“ kissy kissy, mwah...i’m here by myself. ”

“ i got some hats and i have some socks to kind of stuff the buttocks and the boobas. ”

“ a little lumpy but we’re gettin’ somewhere. ”

“ why do i keep turning into a ghost...am i dead? ”

“ how is this happening right now, look at me i’m glowing...like edward cullen. am i a vampire? ”

“ am i a sexy vampire? ”

“ i’m remembering the fun of getting hot glue on your fingers and then having spider webs everywhere. ”

“ you guys were weirdos as kids, you know what i’m talkin’ about. ”

“ wow, wow...holy, heavenly, sing choirs of angels. i look like a whole communion. ”

“ i got some hot glue, and a dream. ”

“ here’s just a hot photo of me bein’ hot. ”

“ this is my bread, my body, and i give it to you. ”

“ important question: do you own a red carpet? ”

“ get your umbrellas ready boys, cause i’m about to rain all over you. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

sentences taken from here.

“ look how much i’m sweating from just standing. this material doesn’t breathe. ”

“ we’re not gonna do it like that, we’re gonna do it like us...which means we’re gonna fight each other. ”

“ boom, boom, boom! ”

“ he thinks he’s dressed like rocky but he looks more like he’s in 8 mile. ”

“ he rubbed shit on his face, he was that into it. ”

“ been punched in the face thousands of times, so i guess that makes me an expert, right? ”

“ i honestly think me hitting someone incorrectly will damage me. ”

“ as long as you’re not getting punched in the face, boxing is amazing. ”

“ can you punch people in the dick, or what? ”

“ if it feels awkward, don’t worry about it. ”

“ the science is hit them and not be hit yourself. ”

“ you know what i’m good at? gettin’ nasty. ”

“ i asked for my football back and a man punched me in the face...and by man i mean child, and i was also a child. ”

“ i like watching your ass jiggle. ”

“ i’m gonna force some punches at you, i just wanna see what you do. ”

“ i feel like i did a lot of dancing, not a lot of hitting. ”

“ i’m gonna be tired all over you, bro. ”

“ from over here you guys look tough, i’m intimidated. ”

“ i’m practicing the hug. ”

“ no huggin’ on my watch. ”

“ i’m gonna close my eyes and just use the force. ”

“ i’ve watched videos of the ultimate warrior to prepare for this moment. ”

“ i’m gonna knock that punk ass bitch to the ground. ”

“ oh so we can punch each other in the face, awesome. ”

“ it’s like watching groot and rocket raccoon fight. ”

“ so i’ve just discovered that i’m super attracted to boxing outfits. with the gloves and the shorts i feel really sexy...it’s like a new kink of mine i think. ”

“ who’s ready to fight? ”

“ i’m like a sleeping beast, and you know what? you better not wake daddy, cause daddy’s gonna protect what’s his. ”

“ i’m as fragile as a human can get. ”

“ you know who the real winners are? friendship! ”

“ he’s gonna go home and cry. cry into his little pillow of dildos. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

sentences taken from here.

“ there is a book called the happy hooker. ”

“ how many dangly balls does the average happy hooker make? ”

“ cause i am swearing like a pirate. ”

“ that’s what you said like five things ago. ”

“ i feel like i’m knitting an instagram model’s hair. ”

“ i like to give up. ”

“ do you know how many instruments i’ve played? like seven. ”

“ do you know how many sports i’ve played? just one, but i gave up. ”

“ there were no ground rules. ”

“ joseph and the amazing mostly-purple dreamcoat. ”

“ i’m doing it, i get it now, and i feel accomplished. ”

“ i don’t want to crochet today. ”

“ you know what’s relaxing for me? like...puttin’ out fires. ”

“ it could be a saucy little crop top. very coachella. ”

“ a company that poops together stays together. ”

“ it’s time to stitch and bitch. ”

“ cause we’re two crotchety bastards. ”

“ so, we’re gonna go get a glass of wine. ”

“ i also don’t think you have to be good at everything. ”

“ ohh, do i look like gimli? ”

“ yes, i am no longer gandalf the grey. i am now gandalf the pink, bitch! ”

“ i gotta crochet my way outta this. ”

“ betsy is that you? ”

“ i would have died without this blanket. ”

“ i think i’m just riding on this high of being better than you guys. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

sentences taken from here.

“ i’m surprised you’re conscious right now. ”

“ there’s a good chance tonight is the night you see me die on camera. ”

“ hey ghouls, the boys are here. ”

“ and as you can see, this is the place where nightmares are made. ”

“ fuck me, i feel awful right now. ”

“ i think the ground is cleaner than this couch. ”

“ that’s a perfect butt print. ”

“ you have gotta be fucking...are you fucking kidding me dude? ”

“ this is like satan’s cement butthole. ”

“ how far does this go, are we going to hell? ”

“ what if you go fuck yourself? how about that. ”

“ i’m gonna imagine that place is the closest thing to hell. ”

“ i got the chills even just thinking about it. ” 

“ have you ever heard that old thing about when you look at your face in the mirror in low light, and eventually it sort of looks demonic and...look it up, it’s a thing on the internet. ”

“ you feel any strange feelings right now? ”

“ i’d feel stranger if there were actual dead bodies in here. ”

“ this is the worst thing you could possibly do. ”

“ this is why i didn’t wanna do it, ‘cause i knew you weren’t gonna believe me. ”

“ this is bullshit. ”

“ i heard you like balls. ”

“ i swear to god i’m not doing this on purpose. ”

“ oh my god, that’s the biggest lie i’ve ever heard. ”

“ shut up dude, you know this is fucking weird. ”

“ maybe this ghost just loves to blaze it. ”

“ i guess this is where we’re fuckin’ sleeping, because we’re idiots. ”

“ ah man, am i starting to freak myself out again? ”

“ i ask myself that a lot too, i don’t understand why i do these things. ”

“ you fuckin’ wimps. ”

“ am i a ghost hunter? i don’t wanna be a ghost hunter. ”

“ do i have to put that on my business card now? ”

[inconsistentmemes]

sentences taken from here.

“ this week on motherfucker. ”

“ it’s fun to tap on your bellybutton. ”

“ you ever see a vat full of alien sperm?! ”

“ they’re milking the aliens? ”

“ i don’t have a fetish for nipples. ”

“ shut up. you don’t scare me. ”

“ i’m balls balls, give me one ticket please. ”

“ i have a birth certificate that says balls balls. ”

“ you’ve let out a misty apparition or two in the day. ”

“ these two walking sticks are definitely bangin’ it out. ”

“ we gotta go, it’s the devil. he kissed me. ”

“ but they got a popcorn machine here, so i’m sure life wasn’t too bad. ”

“ his name is filthy mcnasty, what did you expect? ”

“ i’m almost positive there’s rats behind me. ”

“ nothing has changed in a decade. ”

“ fuckin’ slow it down, man, i’m tryin’ to learn it. ”

“ i’m gonna pee all over your furniture. ”

“ gonna pound that place with my pheromones. ”

“ you may remember me from the kitchen. i’m now in here. ”

“ you’re gonna give the ghosts a spanking? ”

“ that’s the first time wev’eve ever really tried to seduce a ghost. ”

“ you don’t shush me on a ghost hunt. ”

“ you can go fuck yourself. ”

“ i’m gonna shit myself. ”

“ it wasn’t that spicy of a turd. ”

“ you’ve gotta see this ghost’s ass. ”

“ i’m gonna give that thing a high five with my buttcheeks. ”

[inconsistentmemes]

sentences taken from here.

“ does anybody even die in that film? ”

“ skip the cops, call the mayor. ”

“ kind of smelled like cottage cheese. ”

“ i don’t smell like cottage cheese. ”

“ i think you’re getting a little bit away form what we’re talking about here. ”

“ we just...sort of...brush the fine details a little bit. ”

“ seems like a huge pain in the ass. ”

“ i’m so glad that you are not any kind of investigating authority. ”

“ i’m not saying that -- like, we should just throw innocent people in jail. ”

“ i can understand the impulse to be like ‘ugh’. ”

“ oh, all your clothes are covered in blood. that doesn’t happen to nice people. ”

“ probably hard to avoid, you’re playing god every day. ”

“ i have fixed brains. ”

“ look, i learned my lesson. ”

“ well you have the luxury of knowing where this little weird garden path ends up! ”

“ you know, that’s dinner time. ”

“ it’s framed nicely, but it’s spattered with blood. ”

“ i think you should go in there and hear him out, at the very least. ”

“ i covered a knife in fake blood and went like this to see where it would fly. ”

“ didn’t you say you wanted your body to be left in a field when you die? ”

“ it’s called a sky burial, and i want the vultures to eat me. ”

“ i still think dropping you out of a plane and seeing where you land is funnier. ”

“ maybe they’re freaks, man. ”

“ right back to sweat time. ”

“ i’m talking about sex. ”

“ hello 911? the devil is here, send god. ”

“ it’s too much! ”

“ you should. that’s part of the deal. ”

“ would you go on a murder spree? ”

“ it’s a sad arc that has weird, interesting details in it. ”

“ what a doozy! ”