i am once again thinking about mag 141/142/146
He goes to the supermarket because Basira sounded tired when she said she was going and he offered to instead. He takes her list and adds a couple of items and set off—he has a real reason to leave. It wasn’t an excuse.
—
The cleaner loses his job a few days later, the second time he freezes in the aisle after the fluorescent light flickers and it’s just the same and the shelves go on forever and at the end of it a man is watching him. He can’t pay his share of the rent. He has to move back in with his parents who do not call him their son, or by his name.
—
It doesn’t feel like hunger. It feels like restless curiosity. Needing to know… something. Not being sure what he needs. When he goes for a walk to clear his head (to move, without moving his bleeding shoulder) he thinks it’s just that. He doesn’t know what will make the vague fog break to clear certainty. He could have guessed, but he really truly didn’t have a way of knowing.
—
She used to be able to forget about it. Once a year, every year—she could push it away, almost all of the time. Now it seeps into every day, a stain spreading out greyly over her life.
—
He knows, and doesn’t know, and guesses, and represses it, what the price will be if he does get Daisy back out. He knows what he’s doing, and pretends he doesn’t, when he leaves her and Basira their privacy. It’s not like it’s as bad as the Buried, he tells himself. It’ll be good to get the dirt out of his clothes.
—
The man reminds him of Martin, a bit, though more of Benoît Maçon. He notes the comparisons abstractly. He doesn’t seem to be a very pleasant man; it’s understandable that humans avoid him.
—
He knows exactly what he’s doing when he leaves the Institute for lunch. He knows before he leaves what he’s going to do. He knows how he’s feeling that morning, when his dreams haven’t settled it, and he knows what he n-he needs-he want-what he always does.
He goes to the nice cafe next to the Pinnacle, and he sits down, and he waits. He waits for Jessica Claire Tyrell to arrive. He waits for Garrett Taylor Brown to arrive. He watches Jessica Claire Tyrell through her entire date with Garrett Brown telling himself that he’s waiting for her to leave so he can stand up and walk away without risking the motion breaking his resistance. He watches Jessica Claire Tyrell through her entire date with Garrett Taylor Brown waiting for him to leave so he doesn’t have to deal with an inconvenient witness. He waits for Garrett Taylor Brown to leave, stands up, and walks up behind Jess Tyrell.
She turns around.
—
She doesn’t blame him for being in her dreams. She can’t. That would be absurd. It’s her brain. It’s her problem. It’s her fault.
—
He’s not even injured, when he tells Basira to take the other boat. He doesn’t even feel bad, just—he doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t think about how to handle Basira. He doesn’t bother. He doesn’t need to. It’s fine.
—
The next time he sees Floyd Ravi Matharu–
the first time Floyd sees him as the flickering figure in the corner of his eye–
is that evening, as dusk falls, as the ship shudders in the waves.
