[13052020] 13:21
Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here. The thought to go back to this crossed my mind when I was having lunch since there is a lot I have been keeping in since I don’t feel like I am able to talk to anyone about it.
I guess it’s the worry about how bias it might sound to others and what the advice might be if I told someone.
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So we’ve been living together now for more than a year in Australia (yay) and everything has been wonderful. Moved out of my parent’s place after both getting our respective jobs sorted out and now in our own little place.
Even though we are far away from FMIL, I never feel far away enough sometimes and honestly feel incredibly stressed half the time when she crosses my mind.
There are days where I wonder if this wonderful relationship with my partner is worth having to deal with her for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, she means well and all that - but her actions and words hurt a lot even IF she doesn’t mean it. I don’t know honestly - my partner always tells me ‘this is just how she is and she means well’ - I wonder how much of that is true.
They say children of long term family abuse can see and notice the smallest inconsistency in someone - and sometimes I wonder if I am just over analysing it.
I hate it how she likes to “haha remind” me that her son will always be ‘her boy first’ then mine. I hate how she ‘berates me’ about not contacting her ALL the time. I hate how she tells me I should ‘always choose family’ first. She’s so idealistic with her family - I’m not. She will never understand that ‘family’ isn’t everything to me.
I do my best to keep her happy. I try to stay on top of making sure she gets gifts for her birthday, Easter, Mother’s day, Christmas whatever. All I get in return is her laughing at how she totally forgets my birthday and thinks it’s hilarious. My birthday is only a few days before hers. And yet she CALLS us to remind us about <insert distant relative of theirs>’s birthday is tomorrow and make sure we call them too! But what about me?
I’m beginning to hate my birthday. I already share it with my sister. Now I basically share it with her and OF COURSE SHE has to get precedence because SHE’S the mother and that’s her son and her man and not mine.
I still honestly cry when I intermittently remember all the times when I used to visit the US and she was around. How when we go out as a group, SHE has to hold his hand. SHE has to sit next to him, and how many times she has to TELL ME how much everything we do together SHE had already done with him / used to do with him ALL THE TIME.
I just smile and nod, what else can I do? There were so many occasions where I had to use every ounce of willpower not to cry right then and there.
And now that her ‘baby boy’ lives with me and in Australia, she ALWAYS has to bring up how “it’s not about her happiness and it’s about her kid’s happiness” and how she’s always so alone and sad because she isn’t living with her children anymore. I am THIS close to just saying fuck it. Take your stupid son back. I’m done with this. I am DONE being the BITCH for stealing your precious son away. The one who SAVED YOUR LIFE when your husband failed to be your husband. Just fucking marry him for all I care.
I need to stop here before I smash my laptop out of anger.
