A Little Kindness Goes a Long Way
Guys! I know it’s been awhile, (I don’t think anyone even really reads this tbh, but hey guys listen!) I heard from him again!
So, like a week before Thanksgiving I sent him a hand written thank you note to thank him for all he did for me to help me walk again.
I didn’t expect to ever hear from him again. That’s not really why I sent the note. I mean I did have a little fantasy that he would write me back or call me or something (like use the return address to come and bring me flowers and ask me to be his girlfriend in person... 🙈) but I knew deep down that that would never happen in a million years. I just honestly wanted to tell him all that I couldn’t say out loud about how grateful I was for everything he did to help me walk again.
Then a couple days ago, about a month later & completely out of the blue, I get an email from him! He said he was sorry he was late in responding but that he did get my note and he wanted to thank me for the kind words & that it “means a lot.” He also responded to some specifics I mentioned, but then he wrote a sentence that has consumed me. I can’t tell if there’s more behind it & I desperately wish I knew. He wrote, “The evenings aren't the same without your family and work stories.”
I feel like the scene in Hamilton when he & Angelica are writing back and forth during Take a Break and she says, “In a letter I received from you two weeks ago I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase. It changed the meaning, did you intend this? One stroke and you've consumed my waking days, it says: ‘My dearest Angelica’
With a comma after dearest, you've written, ‘My dearest, Angelica’”
I feel like both Schuyler sisters, really. Both helpless and never satisfied.
Is he just being polite? Did he truly enjoy chatting with me but just in a friendly way? Or... dare I hope, that there’s a chance, however minuscule, that he misses me the way I miss him and this is all he’s brave enough to say? I don’t know. All that time we spent together and I could never get a clear read on his confidence level when it came to relationships. He didn’t mention a girlfriend ever, but he has a large number of friends who are girls, and in the context that we interacted in his job he was supremely confident. Yet, something about him seems like if he’s just winging it, if he doesn’t have a rulebook for how things should go... he’s not so self-assured. Maybe that’s just me a little more hoping. I’m sure it is.
He ended with, “Hope you have a great winter and happy holidays.” I’m not sure how to take that either. Does he mean that as just have a good holiday season, hope to hear from you after? Or is it like happy holidays...have a good life & don’t talk to me again? And who says have a great winter? Heehee, he’s so cute. 😍
I don’t know how to respond. I know I want to and I’m going to. Ugh! But what to say? I’m a writer! Surely I can use my gift of words to draw him in more? At least we could be friends?
*sigh* I know, I’m kidding myself. He’s still messaging me from his work email. I’m sure if he were remotely interested in anything more he’d use a personal email or look up/ask for my phone number to text me or something. I know I’m completely over thinking and over analyzing this whole thing. Yes, I know I’m crazy.
What I really am, is hopeless.
“You know I want you. It’s not a secret I tried to hide, but I can’t have you...”
If anyone anywhere has any suggestions, I’m open. Go on anonymous if you want but please let me know any ideas. I’m flying blind here.
