A Little Kindness Goes a Long Way
Guys! I know itās been awhile, (I donāt think anyone even really reads this tbh, but hey guys listen!) I heard from him again!
So, like a week before Thanksgiving I sent him a hand written thank you note to thank him for all he did for me to help me walk again.
I didnāt expect to ever hear from him again. Thatās not really why I sent the note. I mean I did have a little fantasy that he would write me back or call me or something (like use the return address to come and bring me flowers and ask me to be his girlfriend in person... š) but I knew deep down that that would never happen in a million years. I just honestly wanted to tell him all that I couldnāt say out loud about how grateful I was for everything he did to help me walk again.
Then a couple days ago, about a month later & completely out of the blue, I get an email from him! He said he was sorry he was late in responding but that he did get my note and he wanted to thank me for the kind words & that it āmeans a lot.ā He also responded to some specifics I mentioned, but then he wrote a sentence that has consumed me. I canāt tell if thereās more behind it & I desperately wish I knew. He wrote, āThe evenings aren't the same without your family and work stories.ā
I feel like the scene in Hamilton when he & Angelica are writing back and forth during Take a Break and she says, āIn a letter I received from you two weeks ago I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase. It changed the meaning, did you intend this? One stroke and you've consumed my waking days, it says: āMy dearest Angelicaā
With a comma after dearest, you've written, āMy dearest, Angelicaāā
I feel like both Schuyler sisters, really. Both helpless and never satisfied.
Is he just being polite? Did he truly enjoy chatting with me but just in a friendly way? Or... dare I hope, that thereās a chance, however minuscule, that he misses me the way I miss him and this is all heās brave enough to say? I donāt know. All that time we spent together and I could never get a clear read on his confidence level when it came to relationships. He didnāt mention a girlfriend ever, but he has a large number of friends who are girls, and in the context that we interacted in his job he was supremely confident. Yet, something about him seems like if heās just winging it, if he doesnāt have a rulebook for how things should go... heās not so self-assured. Maybe thatās just me a little more hoping. Iām sure it is.
He ended with, āHope you have a great winter and happy holidays.ā Iām not sure how to take that either. Does he mean that as just have a good holiday season, hope to hear from you after? Or is it like happy holidays...have a good life & donāt talk to me again? And who says have a great winter? Heehee, heās so cute. š
I donāt know how to respond. I know I want to and Iām going to. Ugh! But what to say? Iām a writer! Surely I can use my gift of words to draw him in more? At least we could be friends?
*sigh* I know, Iām kidding myself. Heās still messaging me from his work email. Iām sure if he were remotely interested in anything more heād use a personal email or look up/ask for my phone number to text me or something. I know Iām completely over thinking and over analyzing this whole thing. Yes, I know Iām crazy.
What I really am, is hopeless.
āYou know I want you. Itās not a secret I tried to hide, but I canāt have you...ā
If anyone anywhere has any suggestions, Iām open. Go on anonymous if you want but please let me know any ideas. Iām flying blind here.
jbbartram-illu
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