Or diaries, if you prefer.
You'd not believe the amount of draft posts I write up. See, it's something I've done every day since 2007 - before I go to sleep, I write up what happened in the day, and how I felt about it, etc. For the most part, I never publish them - I just write them out.
It's an odd little ritual, and I'm not even entirely sure why I do it. I could write them down in a journal, but I have crappy handwriting, and I'm honestly more comfortable typing things down. There is something fundamentally very different between typing things out on a blog and writing them down on paper. And as brash and intrusive as I am (I love shoving my opinion out there!) I'm so absurdly afraid of people actually knowing how I feel. I don't think that's abnormal, but it means that I so very rarely show other people what I'm thinking. I write these things out, but I never publish 'em, right? I either save them as a draft or just delete them.
I'd love to say that I don't care what other people think of me, but I do care. Why? I don't know. Maybe my ego is fragile as well as large, I dunno. I do care. That's why it takes me so long to get close to people, and to just... be myself around them. And let's be honest, I've done that twice in my life and both times it ended up horribly for me. The first time I brushed off because I was a teenager and going through that whole "phase" - but that doesn't mean I wasn't miserable, y'know? I let somebody "in" so to speak, and eventually I found out that they were... just being a bitch, to save going into detail, which I am not comfortable going into. It's sad and honestly rather pathetic, but it makes me start to shake just thinking about it. From anger, mostly. Anger directed in equal parts at myself and that horrible person.
The second time was a lot worse, though, because I had a genuine emotional investment in them, a huge one. And then finding out it's completely one-sided? Well yeah, that's enough to crush anyone. Why do people never believe me when I tell them I have a short temper? I do. I'm volatile and explode at the slightest provocation, but people never believe me until it happens.
I'm waffling a lot, I know, that's what happens when I write these things out. Thoughts pop up one after the other, so to speak. The point is, I want to be close with people, but after this second time, I find myself in the situation where I am trying, genuinely trying, to let somebody know that I want them, and that I want to be close to them, but I'm coming off as indifferent because... I don't know why. It's like my subconscious is going "well you let those walls down twice before and look what happened, I'm not letting them down again, buddy."
It is entirely possible that it's a matter of time. God knows it took me long enough to convince myself after the first time that it wouldn't happen again... but then it did, with the one person in the world who I thought would never hurt me. So now, that's my problem. I want to try, I am trying, but I'm just terrified that it's going to happen again. So maybe it's just something I am doing wrong, because I am apparently such a horrible person that I keep driving away everyone I get close to, to the point where they don't even want to be friends with me. I've lost at least three friends because of that, so maybe it is my fault.
So the first time, I was always wondering if it was love. The second time, I knew it was love (not like I can deny it, and what would be the point?), and that was infinitely worse. The third time? Once again, I'm back to uncertainty. It's horrible, yes, but I can't say one way or the other, not yet. What if it is love, though? Could I put myself through that again...? Not to mention the other party, who has some feelings for me, even if they are equally unclear. I don't want to hurt myself and another person.
I don't know, I don't know. That's been the mantra of my fucking life the past few months. One thing I do know: I'm not going to let it change my principles. I'm not going to rebound from one person and go careening into another, and I'm not going to find myself in bed with the first thing that comes along (or indeed, go looking for such) to console myself. I'm going to take things slowly for now, if that's quite all right with Mrs Strawberry / the girlfriend.
I'll tell you what else rustles my jimmies. The fact that I wasted like £1200. That is mildly frustrating in the same way that stubbing your toe is, and mostly because of my current financial situation (which has been exacerbated by an additional few hundred spent on Las Vegas trip woops) but I've never been one to fret over dosh. I can make more, I think it's more the fact that I wasted it - spent it on things I now have no use for.
But then that sums up most of the last four months, doesn't it? I wasted my time, I wasted my emotions, I wasted my first love, I wasted my money and I wasted a ridiculous amount of effort on something that was apparently doomed from the start, haha. That's probably what niggles me the most, actually. All the waste, but on top of that, how used I feel, even if I wasn't. Irritated at myself, because I was like "oh this is because she loves me, that's why!" but noooo.
I hate that whole subject. People who use others are lower than dog piss.
So there's a whole range of emotions. Most of all, there's pity and empathy. I'm not really sure how to define the two, but if pity is being intentionally condescending, then it's probably closer to empathy. Everything's complicated again, and I'm not a fan of that.
I've waffled on and on about this, and these two people that hurt me so, but one of my friends asked me today, when I was speaking to them about it: "Would you forgive them?" And honestly? I would, both of them. Even the first one, way back from 2005. I very much doubt they understood just what they put me through, but I would forgive them, all the same. That's generally what I do - I get super freakin' mad at people, very easily (even though, as I pointed out earlier, people always seem disbelieving that I could have such a short temper) but I always forgive them. Some people are too dense to realise they need to apologise though. Others are too stubborn, and others are plain cowards. What'cha gonna do?
It sounds kinda bad, doesn't it? As if I obsess over these things. That is the point of writing it all out though. It's a release, and writing about it helps me, and I genuinely never think about it other than WHEN I'm writing - and hell, I don't even write about it (it being these subjects - sometimes I just create a 5000 word rant about hair or bottled water, to use two of my stranger posts as examples) every day! Why today? Well... I'm leaving for Las Vegas in a week, and my heart is all aflutter, my stomach is turning flips and I'm just on edge. It's also Thursday, and I never could quite get the hang of Thursdays.
Why am I publishing this, though? Partially because I am leaving for LV and I get super paranoid about plane crashes and all that haha, and I'd not want things left unsaid! Un...blogged? Also because it's the only way I can communicate certain things to a certain someone, who may or may not follow this blog and may or may not see this. Somebody who I'd like to be close with, but I'm still too afraid to let them in, as these walls I've erected are very, very high. And if they can wait, that's cool, but I totally understand if they would find someone else - someone who is absolutely crazy about them. See, maybe it's not the best idea, to be with someone who is absolutely crazy about you, but I still want to believe that is the case.
I want to believe that I wasn't wrong to fall in love once. Next time though, I'd rather there's no falling involved.
I'm really glad that I have someone here for me, right now. It makes going to sleep so very much easier.
Even though I write stuff every day (and this is less than half the size of most of my ramblings) a month ago and more, it was... even writing it all out didn't help, and god, it's like the writings of a mad man. Kinda creepy, you can actually see as I go through like shock -> anger and other stages etc haha. Maybe one day I should submit that to science.
Ultimately, I am proud that I came out of that without having compromised who I am. And in a few months, I will have the last piece of closure I need. If closure is even the right word. I think it's more fitting to say that in a few months, I will be able to close the book on this particular story, for good. Until then, there's one last page, that needs writing - and what sort of author would I be, if I left a book without an ending?
Thank you for reading. Yes - I am number one.
