#forev3r-st0ned

[forev3rst0n3d]

Going back to detox again in the next few days... I fucked up, and then I kept fucking up. I want nothing more than to turn this relapse around. If I'm being honest, I have been experiencing overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame, knowing I can and should be doing better / making better decisions.

I really am trying my best.

[forev3rst0n3d]

🌿🌸

[forev3rst0n3d]

Time has flown by sooo damn fast leading up to this.... like, I have my intake for social detox at 1pm tomorrow. Already.

...and by no means am I ready. At all. Over the past 24ish hours, my nerves and anxiety have increased to an unbearable all-time high. I haven't been able to keep my composure. I'm crying over everything. I'm scared. Nervous. Sad. I feel like I'm not ready.... which is so crazy, because when I last went, it was entirely the opposite.

Ugh I just cannot function right now. Just needed to vent.

[forev3rst0n3d]

I am praying tumblr doesn’t give me the boot for like the 10th time due to these pics. I’m afraid to make even an individual post for each picture at this point lol. Like frfr. These pictures turned out too pretty not to share tho...

Wish me luck and let’s hope I’m still here tmrw. Love u all. 💕

[forev3rst0n3d]

Idek 🤘🏼

[forev3rst0n3d]

So… I’ll be turning the big 3O in exactly one week from today, on 09/11 (and yes, I’m well aware of what surrounds the date of my birthday lol).

I’m nervous, not gonna lie. It’s a massive milestone for me, considering I never imagined I’d make it past the age of 25. I stopped thinking off any future plans beyond the age of 25 because I had essentially just given up entirely…the yet here I am. Still fighting. Still winning this battle. 🥰

[forev3rst0n3d]

Been feelin' myself a lot than usual lately so ur welcome for the overload of selfies 🙃

[forev3rst0n3d]

Just a very brief update on how things have been going for me with my continuous, seemingly endless battle with addiction over the past few years.

My first attempt at quitting fentanyl was in 2017.

After a month-long hospital stint battling pneumonia and a kidney infection, I was fully detoxed from everything, including methadone. I actually managed to remain clean from opiates for an entire year, but throughout that time there was not a single day that went by where I didn't have meth. I was slamming it every day, multiple times a day, which ultimately resulted in my fent relapse.

My second attempt to get clean from fentanyl was on November 14, 2024.

I finally mustered up the strength to admit myself to a 14 day social detox facility and actually had an amazing experience. I came out feeling so refreshed and full of life, hopes, and dreams. I had made it exactly 30 days clean before I decided to "treat" myself by gripping some fent.

By allowing myself even that level of grace, it led to a somehow "justified" repeated pattern of behavior where I would pick up, use, and then go another 2 or 3 weeks clean. I would then "reward" myself for the progress I was making. Use for a day. Then go a few weeks clean again, etc. You get it.

It went from once or twice a month at most, to now every day or every other day the past month and I'm so frickn disappointed in myself, man. It's not even funny.

Mind you, throughout this time, I never quit using meth. Not at all. I never really saw it as an issue because the opiates were my drug of choice & were definitely my problem drug. I was simply failing to realize (or just not allowing myself to, more so... cognitive dissonance at its finest, amiright...) that, by allowing myself to use meth every day, it was holding me back and encouraging old patterns to resurface.

Since the first time I ever tried meth, I strongly disliked the feeling of being too tweaky / just too fuckn high, so there was a serious "need" to level out my high by using opiates. That cycle just continued over and over and still does to this day.

I am convinced that over the years I have just simply refused to acknowledge that meth is and always has been a problem for me.

So yeah, back to detox I go... Monday is coming up pretty quick. I plan on taking things much more seriously so ya, idk, we'll see what happens. I'm so tired of this shit. LIke, beyond tired. I want nothing more than normalcy.