& adds more shit to your pile
there’s a lot about this life he doesn’t understand. it’s not a bitter sentiment, to think that he could never possibly perceive it all in a way that would fit into the mind, easy to comprehend, easier still to explain.
though he lived in simpler matters, time wheeling away unnoticed, it’s in the moments that are spent with him that things truly seem to align themselves. late at night with the ugly orange of the street light pouring in the window for him, rippling on splayed back, open flesh. something sits easy in his stomach, a sensation of fullness like little else in life.
empty, half full, overflowing—— none of it is easy to comprehend, but here he was, legs all flung together, blankets a bunch on the hip. fingers find him, sudden, cold but not unwanted, tracing haphazard on his back. he doesn’t rightfully understand their purpose there, what exactly dan’s conveying to him. it’s all just empty motions that feel good, nail biting and body sated.
but no, wait ——— suddenly something clicks, head tilting to look across at him, face carefully kept to neutrality. another twist of the hand, another circuit across the lines of it. he remembers them red, raw, welts that bloomed beneath the bite of leather and metal, angry words lodging themselves in his ears and causing tears to tumble.
that had never made sense to him, what his father had so easily perceived as weakness, wrongness, sins that made the whole of the world collide upon his shoulders. a weak grin, trying, failing, eyes crinkling at the sides in an unhappy manner. he can’t hold the silly little mask to his face, crumpling beneath those careful hands.
❝ ——— dad didn’t like it, y’know? i don’t think many parents do. saw me—— saw, uh, me doing some stuff. that he didn’t like. so he started—— doing. that. ❞
another failed attempt, this time at nonchalance. it’s easy enough to pretend that the very memory of it didn’t hurt, but then, this was dan they were talking about. he very rarely could lie, to a face like that. so he lets out a shaky breath, bites down on whatever other bullshit that tries to stream out his mouth, and shoves himself in, closer, buries himself in the sensation of a hug.
it’s close enough to figuring out the way the world worked, for him.
