If love and violence are the same
Then everything holds love
Or perhaps, if love and violence are the same
Then everything holds violence
(My heart is in his mouth and I want him to bite)
That is neither love nor violence
That is unneeded bloodshed
(Then I want to be saved)
Then do so, darling
You have always known how to save yourself
(I only know how to b r e a k)
And is that not the same?
Adaptability is flexibility
Flexibility is the success to change
Everything must break to be changed
Everything must change to be saved
(And what of loved? What of violence?)
Loved.
Do you wish to be saved by love?
Do you wish to love and be saved?
Do you understand the violence of both?
The parts of you that must be torn asunder?
(I only wish to know if I am worthy)
Worthy of being loved?
Or worthy of being saved?
(...
...Yes)
Worthiness is not your decision
Everyone is worthy of love and savior
Which is to say, no one is deserving of either
It is honor bestowed by another
To seal the broken pieces together anew
(I do not want to be broken for him)
And how else do you suppose to love and be loved?
How else do you suppose to take the essence of another?
You must first have the cracks to be filled
You must first fill the cracks of him
(And is it not enough to want my heart to bleed?
To fill those cracks with the essence of myself?)
What good is your blood in the mouth of another?
(If love and violence are the same, sacrifice is king
Sacrifice begets violence
Sacrifice begets love)
What good is sacrifice without a guiding hand?
If love and violence are the same
It is not the best parts of you that must bleed
It is the worst parts of you that must burn
Do you think he wishes otherwise?
(...I want to be w h o l e)
Shed the flames, shed the blood
Rise anew
Find the love will kill the parts of you not worth harboring
Find the love will make you whole
(I want to be saved, I want to be saved
I want to be killed, I want to be loved.
He could save me
He does love me)
Today, whilst attempting to Get Shit Done in a million different directions, I kept getting calls from an 888 number. On my cell and my landline. It was driving me bananas.
Finally, at about 6 pm, I answered the phone. It was our old car insurance company and the guy on the end wanted to know if we wanted to come back to them for insurance. Long story about why, but essentially, they kicked us off their insurance two years ago. The old insurance would have a much cheaper rate, so I was game to talk about it.
Until it turned into a LONG, drawn out conversation that kept requiring me to give them specifics about things that had happened years ago.
Finally, I just said to the guy “Look, I have a million things going on, this phone call is interrupting all of them, and you guys have called me like 12 times today. I’m tired, I’m totally stressed out because my dissertation is due to my committee in a few days, I’m working a tricky summer job, and it’s the end of a really long day. Can I call you back or do this online?”
To his credit, I got an immediate apology, I got cc’d on a sternly worded email to their IT department about the continuous spam calling, and a password to my saved quote information to deal with at my leisure.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Having just wrote a story for a Santa exchange on Google Docs and trying to get it onto AO3, I remembered my annoyance from before that the transference tends to strip italics and add WAY too many spaces between paragraphs. I figured “there must be a way to do this that doesn’t involve me copy/pasting and putting back all my formatting and removing all the stupid extra lines,” and behold! There is! Under Cool Stuff and Posting:
“If you use Google Drive to work on fics, fannish meta, or other text-based fanworks, you might have run into formatting issues when copying from Google Drive to our Rich Text Editor. In particular, italics and bold text will not be carried over correctly when copy-pasting the text. To solve this problem, Min has created a script for Google Drive that will take your finished work and convert all basic formatting into HTML for you. You can see it in action in this example document for posting to the AO3. Look for the "Make a copy..." option in the File menu, which will put a private copy of the document into your own Google Drive account. Then just delete the sample text and use the blank document for your own writing. When you're done, hit the "Post to AO3" menu to prepare the whole thing for pasting into the HTML editor with a simple button click. HTML tags will be added for you! In most cases, this will be much more reliable than using the Rich Text Editor.”
I tried it, and it worked for my simple story (which is pending a reveal on Boxing Day and a DD fic for those 3 people who are interested), so if anyone likes to use Google Docs/Drive for their stories but want to pull hair due to the transition, I hope this helps.
[[Warning: Long.Violence. Language. Very large potential for nonsense.]]
This has been a series of great and terrible realizations.
Wiping bile off my face with some nearby toilet paper, I huddled closer to the cold toilet bowl. Too bad this wasn't back in time to my college days. This was a clusterf*ck of realities, time, worlds, and death.
Absently flushing, I thought about reconsidering a belief in the god of the toilet. A god of commerce of course. In the scope of things, a toilet that sells you lifesaving supplies is one thing to just believe is due to god or magic than question in the light of science.
Maybe it was run by a troll.
The life of a teacher is a thankless job, but today was a great day. I had gotten a gift from some students who actually got something from my lectures. I spread the map on my desk to admire it. It was a beautiful piece of old cartography. The aging of the paper seemed amazingly authentic. There was something green in the corner however. Was it mold? Or did one of the kids accidentally get some guac from lunch on it?
I made a motion to go and rub the offensive spot out. Two centimeters away from actually touching it, the spot started to glow and rapidly moved to suffuse the entirety of the map.
I came to in what looked like a small open concept flat. Odd in that it was provisioned like a bunker. I spun my ring in a fit of nerves and shakily got up. Hopefully we are still in Tennessee Dorothy. I swiveled around to process the room. There was a full kitchen to my left along with containers with food. What looked like beds behind a wall partition. All the accouterments of a living room. Directly behind me were two world maps. Neither had a hint of mint green light that might knock a girl out.
Tentatively I poked one for a reaction. Nothing. Great. Time to summon my summer camp experiences and survey my further surroundings.
I only made it to what was really the next room out when I saw bodies on the carpet. It was the impossibles of impossibles because I could instantly identify them as Russia and China from Axis Powers Hetalia. I inched closer to pull on their hair and make sure they were not cosplayers. At the very least they were not wigs...
Twenty seconds after meeting Japan, I was still in denial.
7 minutes 24 seconds later Japan was dead. Bones garishly broken by a grey monster.
I caved to the truth of this new reality. This was not just Axis Powers Hetalia, it was HetaOni.
7 minutes 58 seconds later I clocked my first death.
The first worst realization: My pre-map memories are spotty. I can’t really even remember my life before getting here anymore.
I have wallowed in communion with the porcelain gods for too long it seems. There is knocking at the door, but I need more alone time and shout a half sincere assurance of my health.
The door opens and I struggle to be presentable in seconds. The pretense drops once I realize it is Canada. Canada I could deal with. He hardly ever changes from what I know about him.
Seems like telling the truth was a bad idea. Not like I had a choice. As the journal bearer, Italy had noticed me coming in a middle layer of a time loop. How sad is it that my story of time travel, from another universe, where this whole brouhaha is a game, was actually given the benefit of the doubt with the first telling? Germany just happened to overhear.
And he would save Italy from having to be the bad one, from having to sacrifice. There was no pact for everyone to get out.
Tied to the bed stomach down after the blonde German nation surprised me, there was not much I could do. The rules in this house are perversely equal. Even as nations, they could die like me. On the flip side, we all had a bit of immortality as long as someone can rewind time. Still, they were several times stronger than a regular human. Though I must say I did not expect death from the hands of Germany.
[X] > [Equip] > [Germany] > [Weapon: Whip: ‘Germany’s personal whip. It’s quite worn from use.’]
[X] > [Skill] > [Germany] > [Torture Lv. ???]
CRaCk. From the left. crACk. From the right. {“Not him! NO.. Let him go!”}
“HOW DO WE WIN?! HOW DOES THE GAME END?!” cRacK, straight across. (It’s dark.) The room is perfectly lit.
"hhh… I. Don't … KnOow. I don't ! … So please. Please. Please!" (“My creed is your creed.”)
“You will tell me, Dr. Daniels.” CrAcK, once again. {“...Okay, please! Stop...”} (“I won’t. I won’t. I won’t…”)
As much as you want to rip the answers from my flesh, there is no ending.
craCK, that makes three lines on the lower back.
Say, little Michelle in the dark, want to trade places? Want this nightmare? ...I’m sorry… but you really don’t have a choice in the latter.
When the others break clocks they get memories of previous loops. I get the memory of Michelles from worlds beyond the loop.
“Michelle! Michelle!” America threw open the doors with a spectrum of nations behind him. “I know it seems like the world is ending, but you better not be having apocalypse sex with Canada! The world can’t keep falling to pieces with the hero around.”
...That idiot.
“Let me tell you something girl, I have magic, yes. I can send people back through time. The future is a different story. AND WHILE MY FRIENDS ARE DYING YOU ARE OF NO CONSEQUENCE.“
As England stomped away, I struggled to reign in the disproportionate feeling of betrayal. I never really talked to England, some of the other Michelles did. This is why I tried to keep a distance from all the nations, really.
I constantly have to bat down all the attachments and feelings of the other Michelles. Stop them from taking residence in this body and re-recording my history, ejecting what I have left of myself before the game. Those girls who weren’t really me. Not me. I don’t love you. I have no reason to hate you.
Yet as Russia scooped me out of fetal position this loop. As we slept in a dog pile. As Italy gave me a knowing look. As I learned that Germany wasn’t the only nation who would bare their claws given proper motivation. As Japan asked me if I was alright. As England played piano. Who is to blame?
I was still working out the finer details of explaining my presence and getting the nations to trust me to a degree when suddenly a hand waved in front of my face.
“Sorry, me and my friends let ourselves in since the door was unlocked and no one answered our calls. Do you own the place?” Naturally bright smile, the smell of home, glasses in place. America at the beginning of most loops.
“...No”
“Then who are you?”
“A poor damsel in distress locked away in a castle tower with monsters.” Well there goes the interaction for this loop.
“Well, until you prove to be a evil villainess in disguise, I shall have to be your hero then. The only thing you can’t punch are ghosts.” ...You idiot. Thank you.
I couldn’t stop from caring. Shit.
From exploration I knew this grand building stood about four levels high. It had an odd mix of European and Asian decor. All in all: ornate, stately, and ultimately foreboding because everything was locked and there was no escape.
Even when I followed different paths, no matter what I did, they still left me. To die.
Unacceptable.
I had to try something radically new this time. England had previously told me once that I had an abnormal aurora that would probably interact badly with the book. I’m thinking maybe two paradoxes makes a right.
I turned towards Italy’s bed. “Please don’t let this be an irreparable mistake.” There, contact.
The world reformed itself to a realm of woodland darkness with a crossroads made of light.
“Coming over to my side for a deal this time?” I cannot believe it. The troll the cane user met with.
“Not her.”
“So you say. At least she had a King’s gift. From what I see you only have the oldest forms of payment. Blood. Memory. Time.”
“What is the price of writing an ending where they all live?”
“The house, greys, and journal are not my magic you know. It was done by a particularly nasty guy ya would have met if had not I intercepted you here as a favor. For the extra flack I would get from him, I would say I cannot directly interfere.”
I could pull out my hair he was so, “Useless!”
“Now, now~ You are asking for a god’s power you know. There are parameters that need be followed. I could give you the knowledge of one your doppelgangers that knows the end, but you cannot be allowed to just go about with that knowledge. Equivalent exchange. Ending such nonsense will cost you just about everything.”
Alright, today officially sucked, and Andrew, the shitface, couldn't be bothered to tear himself away from his webcomics to help me.
So, it was practically a blizzard over here, but my kids still showed up. Dave had brought this old record that his bro had given him, and I mean one of those huge discs that you actually put a needle on and stuff. So, that was pretty cool, until John wanted to see it, and decided that it looked boring. So he took out a pencil, and believe it or not, he actually managed to scratch it right down the middle.
So Dave was freaking out and trying to get it back, and I was trying to calm both Gamzee and Caliborn down because I forgot the juice and Caliborn is always a little shit, when I suddenly hear Dave yell, "MISS 'DVENTURRRES!" So I had to put John in the timeout pen. But wait, there's more. It's around this time that Jade has managed to climb up a bookshelf, so while I'm dealing with John, Gamzee, AND Caliborn, she slips and falls.
She's screaming her head off, and I run over there. Luckily, it wasn't a very big bookshelf, and she wasn't badly hurt at all, but I patched her up and carried her around for a little bit.
Then the doorbell rang. I went over to answer it, and in came William, Quinn, Ren, and Perry, all at the same time. Apparently they were together discussing the little kids when the blizzard got really bad, and, well, my daycare was closest, so of course I let them in. So, now I have three kids in the timeout pen, one who's hurt themselves, and four teenagers who aren't supposed to be there. There's another knock on the door, and there's this big white guy holding a pretty big book, and he turns out to be Quinn's dad. He was apparently looking for her and came here as a last resort. I let him in, and he decides to wait out the storm. I let him, but now I'm really worried. So of course, my day had to get worse by another knock on the door. So I open it, and I freak ou because it's Mr. Noir. You know, the really shady inspector. So, it went like this.
Me: Mr. Noir! What a... ...a pleasure!
Noir: I did... Mention that... You would require further inspection.
Me: I wasn't told there would be an inspection today.
Noir: That's the point... It's a surprise... Inspection.
Me: Um, OK.
So I led him in, and he takes everything in. William spots the guy and kinda begins freaking out, and the two of them get in a shouting match. Quinn tries to help, and suddenly the Noir guy takes out a fucking knife, and begins threatening her with it! So I'm here trying to keep the peace, when Quinn's dad punches the guy in the face. It's at this point that I call the police, because this is not supposed to happen at my daycare, and not in front of my kids! But I guess I'm not paying enough attention, because soon enough both Quinn and her dad are lying on the floor, bleeding everywhere. Rose is freaking out, and grabs Dave's arm for some reason. The two run into the basement, but I barely noticed because there's two people lying on the floor bleeding! So Ren, who's a cop-in-training, decides to try and arrest Noir, who I'm now convinced doesn't work for the government at all. So Ren gets stabbed too, and I'm still flipping out. Anyway, Perry lost her shit when Ren got stabbed, and punched Noir in the gut. William approaches Noir, and starts calling him the Usurper or something. Anyway, he gets it the worst, because he got stabbed right in the stomach. I'm still freaking out, and trying to keep my kids away from all this. So, Noir runs away, and Perry runs after him, and I'm left with four injured people on the floor. I dunno where they went, but the ambulance arrives soon enough, and take everyone to hospital. Anyway, Aradia and Sollux are looking for Rose and Dave, and I go down into the basement after them. I see that they're drawing some sort of big black-and white thing. Then they start fighting over the drawing, and end up tearing it in half. But being who they are, they don't freak out. Instead, they start coloring with the red and blue markers, and make some sort of machine. I ask them what it is, and they just say...
Dave: I's the Tumer!
I ask him if he knows what a tumor is, and he nods yes. Anyway, at that moment I hear some sort of gunshot from outside. I run up to the window, and I see Spades Slick, the guy who helps out with Karkat, messing around with a cap gun. Some girl is pretending to have been shot, lying on the ground. So, I shrug, and turn away from it.
Anyway, Jade suddenly decides she's feeling better, and grabs a toy boat and some balls. So, I'm glad she's feeling better, but I've just about had it. She decides to try and pull John out of the time-out pen, and of course she can't. But I was going to let him out soon anyway, so I take pity on them and let him out. They begin running around with the boat. Jade grabs some more balls. She accidentally throws the demon puppet into the time-out pen, and Gamzee grabs it, before beginning to play with it. I'm honestly too terrified of it to even get it out of there. Anyway, then Dave and Rose try to climb back out of the basement, and end up falling down the stairs. So I run over to them, and check if they're OK. Again, they're mostly fine, but I begin carrying them around. So then Sollux runs over to Karkat, Terezi, and Yaya, and leaves Aradia at the top of the stairs. Sollux leads them all over to the stairs, and watches as Dave and Rose suddenly seem to feel better, and run over to them. Then I get a call from the hospital, that Noir's victims are gonna be OK. So, I figure the day is finally gonna get better. Only Gamzee and Caliborn are in time-out, everyone's OK or going to be OK, and I think I might be able to fix Dave's record.
Then Jade through the boat through the window.
Seriously, she threw it so hard it broke the window. So then she and John began screaming, and I had to go find it. Outside. In the blizzard. And it took three hours.
I finally gave up, and just had them sit quietly until it was time to go home.
It's days like these that make me question my love for this job.
