Yes! It happens. When you had worked hard for something and yet you didn’t get it. Is it cause you don’t deserve it or something was missing in the attempts made, or a stroke of fortune, missed severely. Only questions, as always. Questions that lead me to the darkness, a void within and introduce me to more questions making it uncomfortable for me. It’s suffocating amidst so many questions, so many uncertainties and so many voids. How one can ever come out of it. It’ll be the lifetime of work to fill the voids, erase uncertainties and seek answers. But then, isn’t everyone’s life like this?
I am like everyone else, and everyone else is like me. What I am experiencing is what some have had, some will, and some will never. Is it the one’s who had, or will are unfortunate, or the one who’ll never are more fortunate. How can I ever decide and tell? Everyone’s life is different, so is the path, the situations, circumstances. Everything is different, yet the mind won’t stop drawing the analogies, for it gets some kind of sadistic pleasure from comparison, or from letting oneself down. What life really is, can be, could have been, I guess, I’ll know but not today, maybe in time to come, when the time is right, or maybe never. Till then mere speculations that speculate nothing valuable, and calculations based on faulty logic.
Isn’t believing and living with the thought of everything is an illusion, an illusion in itself. It’s like a recursive function, for everything to be an illusion, I must be an illusion, for I am part of everything, and if I’m also an illusion, then what is real, and for that matter what really matters, or doesn’t. More questions, as always. Mostly the answers to the questions that are causing a havoc in the mind don’t appease but rather introduce more questions, and before I can fully understand the situation or the question, there are just questions, and more of them.
It’s like questions, questions everywhere, but not an answer to seek. Saying that this is how life is, doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Should I stop this “wild goose chase” of running after answers, accept the way it is. Take life as it is, let that someone far above the seven skies take hold of it, control it, or keep on fighting. Not really resisting as per say but rather seeking, but then who can really validate that what I am seeking is what I should really be after, and that it’s not another illusion.
Maybe at times, a deep breath, closing eyes and counting till ten doesn't make a difference. What’s bothering is deeper than the breathe and larger than ten, it’s huge and requires more, maybe.. a leap... of faith, of questions, of answers, of time. Time will pass, and with it many questions will find their place, but then the question is by when?
p.s. - 4th weekend - 25-26 Jan 2014. First entry on a Sunday, yes it is late, but that’s better than no entry in the first month itself. The month which started with cherry on top kinda feeling, in it’s 4th week reminded me of the past. Not long ago kinda, but definitely forgotten past, guess a shock was necessary. But I would like to ask, am I such a bad student, dear life, that you keep on knocking me down. Every attempt is thrashed, torn but not thrown in the bin, but at my face, making me realize my inadequacies and inefficiencies. Not sure about it’s effectiveness, but thanks for making me remember the past. As past is neither dead, nor static, for it’s the only place we can revisit, and come out with a new learning each time and as they say one should remember the past. So, thank you and for you challenge accepted. ;) ;) ;)
