• Blur Realities Line •

"Tiny" •• 28 •• Female •• Artist ~ Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Who took the midnight train going anywhere. ~

[lohver]

stop reconnecting with toxic people from your past because you’re lonely. focus on getting better and attracting better.

[realitiesline]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYHf1Mjymko)

[thesadisticprincess]

Me: “I have incredibly high levels of apathy and I find it very difficult to be close to or like other people.”

Them: “But I’m an exception, right? ;P”

[realitiesline]

It’s been awhile and though life is pretty good at the moment there are still a few things. Mostly I kinda wanted to write something and seeing as my creativity for RP has nearly all but evaporated here I am. Lately I feel like I’m more of a daily pest than I am an entertainment and or company. I don’t know how to fix this, though I’ve thought maybe if I just go radio silent for a bit it’ll put a spark in the friendship? I dont know I thought I’d rekindled it but I still think a convo that happened fucked all that up. But whatever I guess, is what it is. 

Now my other friend whom I've known from high school is anything but happy. She’s turned into a damn right miserable person, sometimes to me but more often just in general. I know it’s because she lets her sibs run all over her over and over again. Which is her fault, I’ve given her advice she never takes it and just lets the cycle happen again and again. So I feel sorry for her that her sibs treat her like shit but then I don’t because she lets them treat her like shit. I try and be supportive when she bitches about it but tbh I'm tired of hearing the same damn thing over and over again. At this point I simply tolerate it because she’s my friend. Which at times I wonder why we are, we don’t have much in common and we really don’t hang out much anymore because she never likes to leave her house. 

I’ve been avoiding work because that place is ridiculous. So I’ve managed to go to the lake a few times this summer which is super nice. I love the water and it calms me out. I’m currently still loosing weight though I’ve not exercised now in like two months. Which I keep saying I have to get back into it but then never do. I’m not sure how to jump start that drive again. I am however going to try and drink more coffee as most times it makes me happier at work, which is a plus and very much needed. Maybe the coffee will also give me that small boost of energy to help me get back to my daily walks. I hate when I do this... I should have never stopped working out. I’ve lost 10lbs.. which is great! but it also took me 6 months to do it. I dont know man, maybe I just don’t have the dedication or drive to keep up on anything. Far too wishy washy. Well wish me good luck. Think this is long enough for now lol. Guess I'll go watch some Bobs burgers. 

[realitiesline]

Today’s prob going to be a bad day. I’m not sure if it’s depression or pms or both. But I’m feeling very lonely and as if I fucked up again. Sometimes I should keep things to myself because I said some things and now it feels as if the friendship has shifted.

Distances. Shortness of reply. Feels like less interest. But I can’t just outright ask because I’ll seem nuts. I dont know. So imma have to suffer this alone like I always do. Works sorta busy so hopefully that keeps my mind busy enough it won’t linger on these sad and negitive thoughts.

Not even sure why I write any of this down. Not like anyone cares. Nor reads this. I can’t tell anyone how I feel. Most don’t understand. Or I feel like I’m a burden on everyone I know. I just don’t wanna function today. And wearing this mask of happiness at work is only making the termoil inside worse. Fml today.

[thepersonalquotes]

[realitiesline]

Today was a nice day with family at our lake lot. For a moment I felt normal even happy. Perhaps it was a distraction or a change from the Mundane life I live. Today I laughed. Today I didn’t worry. Today I just lived in the moment and forgot about all my stresses.

It was nice while it lasted. And now I’m home. The house is quiet and my head is sending me negative messages. Stupid imagery that upsets me. And I worry because I don’t know the reasons behind why it’s so quiet. Logically my mind is trying to reason with me. It’s battling the illogical thoughts and part of me should just go to bed so the battle can be done.

I have this overwhelming feeling of paranoia and a deep sinking feeling about certain things. I hate when I don’t get attention that I instantly feel abandoned even though I know I’m not. I hate that feeling and it’s not something pills can change. Which makes it all the more difficult this fear of abandonment. I’m not sure how to work through it to be honest. It’s why I enjoy solitude. Why I remain distant from others. After all can’t be abandoned if you never get close right?

[realitiesline]

I’ve been in a really good place lately. Things with my friend have been going surprisingly well. The phone call has seemed to spark something between us. Not sure what it is but I'm just enjoying it and living in the moment. We’ve been talking about her coming to visit and though that excites me it also kinda terrifies me. Like what if she comes and things are super weird? which I mean is a given because I'm weird with meeting people face to face. 

I enjoy talking and texting with her about her coming tho. Like talking about what we might do, where we might go, stuff like that. I want nothing more than for her to come this year but I'm not sure I have enough vaca time for that. And I've been ignoring the fact that I should tell her thing. I’m worried that in a year maybe we won't be at this same place... because you can never know what might happen in a year, that’s a long time. I want her to come but I also don’t want to have to be working the whole time she’s here. 

So far this summer I’ve failed to do anything that I wanted to do by now. One is going to the beach and I've yet to go. Not because I don’t have time, fuck I’ve been doing nothing on my days off. But I just can’t seem to get my ass up to do it. Which is disappointing but I’m use to me making goals and breaking them. Just like my exercise, I've not done that in over a month which is horrible because I was doing so well. However, the only plus to this is that I’m still loosing weight because I'm still eating less and not all the bad shit I use too. Still I'm not sure how I'm going to motivate me to get back on the wagon ya know. 

And yes I only put that paragraph in there so I would sit and talk about my friend the whole time because that seems a little bit obsessive? But I think about her a lot. She was having a bad night last night... though I don’t think she would admit to calling it that. That’s what I call it. I felt helpless to help her and its hard to deal with but I do because I want her in my life. Today she texted this morning but I was sleeping and I’ve not heard from her all day. Which to me is odd because she has the day off and by now at this time in the day I would've hear from her by now. But I’m not going to bug her because I have a feeling its because she needs some time to herself. Which I'm ok with and will respect. But I still miss her. Which makes me think that I have more feelings for her than just being a friend. But that’s a whole box of complicated I won't get into at the moment. 

[realitiesline]

Talked to a friend in the phone for the first time. Went pretty well except at first I refused to tell her I couldn’t understand a damn word she was saying. So I just tried to fit bits and pieces together. That went on for about half the convo till she mentioned she mumbles. And then I was able to let her know it had been hard to understand what she was saying.

Anyway the whole 4 and a half hour convo was interesting and not as terrifying as I’d thought it’d be. However I had to get up early to do adult things and didn’t get but maybe three hours sleep. So I’m at work about dead to the world. But it was worth it I think. Lol. I think it def. sparked new life into our friendship.

It’s always nice to put a voice to a picture. Makes things a bit more personal and just makes things more real so to speak. Anyway overall it was a good experience even if I’m paying for it now.

Funny to look at it now and how scared I was to talk to someone I text constantly. Like real panic and I’m sure I was blushing and shit. All I know was my face was super hot and I was giggling nervously at just about everything even when it wasn’t funny. So phobia of talking to people on the phone is def a thing for me. Hopefully she’s not in that category anymore but only time will tell.

[realitiesline]

Having a pretty good day today. Even though I’m at work which usually is a huge source of stress for me. Today’s been fairly chill minus a few mishaps such as having a huge spider fall in my hair and a cow shitting on my booth. I was doing ok no negitivity at all.

However, as it gets later in the day I’m finding that my brain is trying to deceive me by planting negitivity. Just a whisper of doubt. A friend hasn’t texted almost all day today. Which my rational brain understands. They have a life a job and adult responsibilities. Not only that but they have the right to take time away and time for themselves. I understand this.

But the other side of my brain begins to tell me that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. That they are going to just disappear. That I’m overwhelming them and they just can’t take my shit a min longer. I’m not sure if this is my depression or my fear of abandonment. Which apparently my friend says stems from a trama in my childhood that I don’t recall or refuse to acknowledge. Either way it’s a battle sometimes, having my head saying one thing and me telling it something else.

I understand that I can’t keep people forever but most leave without word or reason. That alone is a huge fear of mine...not knowing why. Which I know they don’t owe me and that if someone leaves rationally it would be they have their own issues and it is in no way my fault. But not knowing kills me.

Anyway not sure if writing all this down helped or not but at least it kept me busy for a time. And that is often what I need in order to calm myself.

[realitiesline]

Today started out as shit. Told my mother about my depression coming back. To which she told me I should go back on meds. To which I told her that’s why I didn’t tell her. So I’m not sure at this point what my plan is but trying to be more positive is on the list.

Last night sucked but today for the most part has been ok. Got some shit done but also super unproductive. Which is ok. Talked to a few friends online, which helped. So that’s about all on the update. Just if anyone was reading, wanted to let them know I was ok.

[realitiesline]

I hope when I rest my head against my pillow tonight, that I find some peace. That sleep will wash away my demons and give me some relief. I hope that tomorrow is a better day. I hope tomorrow I’ll be me again. Not this girl feeling helpless and crying alone in the dark. Please... please let me be ok tomorrow. 

[realitiesline]

I don’t want to be alone anymore. 

  Someone please save me from myself. 

     Pull me from this prison in my mind. 

         Take away the pain that rests inside. 

              Stop the tears that flow from my eyes. 

[youmatterlifeline]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps but other people emphasize my loneliness.

Anais Nin (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[societyisfxke-deactivated202102]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

Mark Twain (via onlinecounsellingcollege)