Are you left scratching your head wondering why your ‘Gen Y’ daughter keeps behaving the way she does? Or why your husband spends so much time in the tool shed, not talking with you? Would you like a technique that you can use to help resolve conflict with a loved one or work colleague, gain insights into why someone else or even you behave in that “odd” way and gain understanding from a different point of view? Great! Here’s a great technique that comes directly from my NLP Practitioner Certification Training that will allow you to see, hear and feel things from a new perspective! SCENARIO Scenario 1) You’ve just received a call from your sons’ principle telling you that he’s been caught stealing… again! This isn’t the first time, and from what you are witnessing, it seems like it’s not gong to be the last either. You’ve tried everything from asking him “why are you stealing?” which always gets the same annoying answer “I don’t know?” Disciplining him just doesn’t seem to be working and your beginning to get worried. Scenario 2) You’re a senior sales rep at a large organisation and everything’s going well at work. Then one day you turn up to work and your boss has decided to bring in an NLP trainer to “sort out the sales team”. You start thinking, “what the heck do we need someone to come into our business to tell us how to do our job, we’re doing just fine the way we’re going?” But the boss seems to think otherwise and says he would like to “shake up the thinking around here and learn some new techniques for boosting sales and profits”. But you’re just left thinking “what for?” Do any of these seem familiar to you? Maybe your husband or boyfriend often wants to be alone from time to time, and it just drives you up the wall when he does it. Here’s a technique that will help you see, hear and feel things from a new perspective! THEORY Gaining understanding from someone else’s point of view many say is the first step (and in many cases, the last step), in resolving disputes, conflicts and returning peace and harmony to any given system – even within side of you. Einstein developed his Theory of Relativity using this technique. Walt Disney did it in the creative process and Gandhi was said to of used it often to understand other peoples perspective in negotiation. In terms of behavioural understanding and resolution in NLP and Matrix Therapies we use it all the time. In NLP (as you would know from reading past monthly ‘Free Techniques’), we believe that behind every behaviour is a positive intention. That means that we are all in some way endeavouring to gain something positive – that feels good to us and meets our basic needs from what we do. In a lot of cases for people though, their positive intentions (whether they be getting attention, love, connection, excitement, significance and so on), for many different reasons (their own limiting thinking, un-empowering beliefs, a build up of unresolved issues from their past etc) must get their needs met in other ways often resulting in odd, unpredictable and in a lot of cases; annoying behaviours/results (eg: angry outbursts, silence or non communication in relationships, inappropriate behaviours such as stealing or lying etc). To try and process what others are doing, thinking, saying… behaving, can drive us up the wall if we try and understand them through our model of the world (or through our own thinking) or what we call in NLP our own unconscious filters (our own beliefs, values, attitudes, meta programs, memories and so on). It’s only when we gain understanding from someone else’s model of the world, that we can gain new insights which leads to constructive communication, acceptance and forgiveness. THE THREE TYPES OF PERCEPTUAL POSITIONS First Position: Self Position. When you are replaying a scenario in your mind and you’re imagining being inside you own body, looking through your own eyes, we call it First Position or Self Position (This is also called in NLP being Associated). Second Position: Other Position. When you imagine looking through the eyes of the other person (usually a significant other person) in the event, as if you were in their shoes – looking back at you, we call this Second Position or Other Position. Third Position: Observer Position. When you are looking through the eyes of someone else (usually a neutral person) – a third person in the event, we call this Third Position or the Observer Position. (In NLP we call this being Dissociated. Looking back at yourself from a neutral position.) So let’s see how you can use these positions to gain understanding on a specific problem for you. You may want to do this with someone else so they can help guide you through the process. Step 1) Take for a moment an unresolved minor issue that you are having with someone (a friend, family member or work colleague) – an ongoing dispute or minor unresolved conflict. Step 2) Now, imagine standing in front of that person (making sure they are eye level with you). Imagine floating down inside your own body, looking through your own eyes (First Position: Self Position = Associated) as if you were really there. Just notice what’s going on: what are they saying to you, what are you saying to yourself and feeling? Just get in touch with that now. Step 3) Good, now it’s time for a different perspective! In your mind, just go ahead and imagine floating out of your body and directly into the body of the other person (Second Position: Other Position) and imagine looking back at yourself through their eyes. Now notice what’s going on. What are you saying to yourself now? Check in with your feelings. How are they different from before? What new insights and understandings do you now have that you didn’t notice before? Step 4) Good, now it’s time for a totally different perspective and some more learnings! Imagine in your mind that you are leaving the body of the other person and you are now floating down inside someone else’s body (Third Position: Observer Position = Dissociated) – an observer, a neutral onlooker. (This could be another friend, family member or complete stranger looking on). Now notice what positive insights are now coming to you that you hadn’t noticed before. Step 5) Return to ‘now’ and write down what you learnt and experienced from doing this process. Step 6) Test: Now, how do you feel about that old problem you used to have? How is it different in your eyes now? Step 7) Future pace: Now that you have new insights and learnings, imagine going out into the future to an unspecified time in the future, where in the past you would have not understood what was going on with that other person, and notice now, that you can. How is it different now?
CONCLUSION This technique will get easier the more you practice in your imagination going from one position to the next. If you don’t at first get the learnings that you hoped for, do the same technique again at another time. Remember to ask yourself positive questions that will deliver positive answers for you (eg: “what positive learning can I gain from this situation?” in 2nd and 3rd position) OTHER WAYS TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE For your own problems/conflicts – be your own therapist!!! Just like how you can see what a friend might need to do in order to overcome their problem (and they can’t see the solution yet because they are too close to the problem), take a mild problem you have and float into Third Position – looking through the eyes of an observer. This could be anyone. Make sure it’s someone who is not emotionally involved in your problem. Eg: A good friend, a relative or a teacher you admire, or it could even be someone you admired when they were alive like Mother Teresa. Let your imagination run wild! For gaining Recourses and Attributes of Someone you Admire. Have you ever wanted to have 10 minutes with Bill Gates or Richard Branson? Have you ever wondered how Jesus of Nazareth or Ghandi would say to you in regards to solving your problem(s)? Then take a moment and imagine sitting with someone you admire and whose feedback you respect and float out of your body, into theirs and imagine looking back at you through their eyes. Understanding A Prospective Client. Ever wanted to know what a potential client wants in the area of service or product that you offer? Just float out into their body, looking back at you and your product/service and gather the information that you require.
