#freedtruth

[becamewater-blog]

@freedtruth

if u do it ill make a sideblog for elena

you’ve convinced me.

[becamewater-blog]

     ‘     you were   right   ,   hot chocolate  does  cure  shitty  days.     ‘   ///   @freedtruth liked for starter

[buriedguilt-a-blog]

❝ sometimes i HOLD BACK from saying i miss you. but i miss you. ❞

@freedtruth ♡’D FOR A STARTER

[owntruth]

‘ i wish i could’ve turned the clocks around. ’

it’s what she thinks about too many times a day,     how DIFFERENT life could have turned out if she just accepted who she was and where her life had taken her.       the halls of liberty high might not have felt like CAGES if she could be honest;     it might have felt more like home.       instead,    every day she put on a facade.     she wore masks disgusting who she was,      hiding behind feigned superiority and confidence and popularity.      she was on student council,     she got good grades,     she had a lot of friends.      she was supposed to be THAT GIRL  ——-    not this other girl,     this girl who didn’t accept herself,    didn’t love herself,    didn’t understand herself.      not the lesbian,    not the girl people pointed and snickered at    (     but that was only a fear of hers,      never a reality.      it was easier to  AVOID it than to face what those halls might be like if she had been honest  .   .   .        would it have really been that devastating?      )        

a year ago,    the thought of coming out or even admitting to herself what she really felt had terrified her.     it scared her so much that she was willing to throw anyone and everyone under the bus before she did herself.     it was how she got into this mess  ——-    that FEAR of rejection from hannah was such a heavy weight that crushed her.      part of her knew that when hannah kissed her,    it wasn’t real.     it wasn’t GENUINE        (    and part of her still resented hannah for manipulating her that way.     )       when she saw her the next day and the memories of what it felt like to kiss a girl came rushing back,     she panicked.   every fear she had ever known,    every heartache she had ever anticipated    it all haunted her,     and she worked on impulse to push those thoughts away.     BLAME IT ON HANNAH,    not yourself!      and she made a ruin of hannah,    the same way she had expected hannah to do to her.  

if she were to go back in time,    she doesn’t know where to start.      does she start that night with hannah,     before she was tempted to kiss her,    before she went down a SPIRAL with her,     or does she start after?       when she was sure of how she felt,    when she was positive she wanted her and knew she didn’t feel the same.     she could have reacted better;     she could have talked it out with her,    told her she wasn’t comfortable coming out yet before the fear that hannah would  spill her beans started to ruin her?      or does she start with the tapes  ——-    when hannah had forced her out and told her secrets to people courtney didn’t want to know anything about her?       she could have reacted differently.      she could have been honest;      she could have told them that this is who she was,    and if that’s true,     then maybe other things on the tapes were true,   too.

instead,    she hadn’t.     she lied.      she lied about herself,     and she was so persistent on keeping her own truth that she ruined everyone else around her    (   she called hannah a liar.      she defended bryce.     she blamed the victims.        it still makes her SICK to know who she had become,    all to protect her own self.    )       there are too many things she wants to change,    too many things that still haunt her   ——    both from what she had done herself and for what she hadn’t done.       what matters now is that she’s in a better place.     she’s healthier,     she’s happier.      SHE IS FINALLY HERSELF,     and the walls around her no longer act like chains.     for once,    she feels free to do the things she has always wanted to do.     and with that freedom comes a responsibility;     she has a lot of owning up to do,     a lot to make up for,      and she won’t let anything get in her way of that now that she’s here.        

❝   i do too.      there’s a lot i’d change.   ❞          there had always been guilt eating away at her,    but she ignored it for fear of her own truth   ——    now,    her guilt and her grief had caught up to her.     she is finally allowing herself to mourn the loss of hannah.     so much of her time had been spent insisting she was  a BAD FRIEND,    all to keep up with the idea that she had LIED about who courtney was.    it wasn’t right;     something tragic happened to hannah,    and courtney aided to it all out of selfishness.     she won’t let that happen again.      ❝  there’s a lot i’d FIX too.  ❞        maybe it’s better jessica wasn’t always around when the tapes had made their debut;     maybe it was best that jessica didn’t see the awful way courtney had responded to them all.     she knows she wouldn’t forgive jess’s forgiveness if she had seen it.       ❝    people were supposed to trust me.    the student council should be honored,    trusted,    respected  .   .   .      i don’t think i deserved any of that.   ❞       those expectations had made her feel STUCK in hiding who she was,      but she had abused those powers.      ❝    i should have been a better friend to hannah.     maybe   ——   maybe we weren’t meant to be friends at all,     but that doesn’t mean i had to spread lies about her.   ❞         and she spread those lies in fear of her own truth being spread.      it was UNFAIR.       ❝    i wouldn’t even know where to start.        i   ——-    i held back too many things for too long.   ❞        

when she finally came out,     no one was looking at her differently.     no one was pointing fingers at her.     no one was laughing.     no one was whispering about her.       they accepted her,      and they didn’t question these things because it wasn’t their place   ——    it was only her fear that had kept her away from the truth for so long.     ❝    i guess that was the point,     right?    we all had to take a look at ourselves.   ❞       is that what hannah wanted?      (  part of her still isn’t sure.    )       ❝ but we can’t go back.     there’s nothing we can fix of the past,      but we can fix where we go from here.       it took me a long time to get to this point,     but i’m here now.      it feels  .   .  .       really,    really relieving.   ❞         she won’t go back now;      she hopes jess will find it easier to make progress too,    rather than holding onto those heartaches of the past.  

・． @freedtruth

[errat]

‡‡

MEME | ⁽  ᵃᶜᶜᵉᵖᵗᶤᶰᵍ  ᵎ  ⁾

kshfdkhf  i  love  you .

[owntruth]

❝   i never told you,     but   ———    ❞          a sigh,     her eyes looking down.      for a normally so composed and confidence girl,      this is all new territory for her.       forgiveness,    mostly for herself,     is hard to come by.     part of her still feels like she doesn’t deserve it   ——   perhaps she never would have from hannah,     maybe she  never will from jessica,     but she knows she has to work better about doing the right thing.       and with that,     she has to work better at being herself.      who that is,    she’s still trying to figure out,     but she knows she’s not the girl she was forcing herself to be after the tapes came out.     she’s not a crude girl who is willing to throw people under the bus just to protect her own secrets.     she’s not the girl who blames victims just to save her own self.    SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL.     this new discovery of who she is,     of owning who she truly is,     it’s not an easy road,    but she knows jess is the right place to start. 

❝   you helped me.     ❞          small smile tugs at the corner of her lips,     and she takes a deep breath to regain her composure.       ❝   i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.     you’re brave.    i always thought that i was,    but   ——     ❞          she was a coward.     and she hurt people in the process,    all because she couldn’t accept herself.      she can’t do that anymore   ——-     it’s been FATAL before.       she won’t let that happen again.       ❝   seeing how brave you’ve been,    it was like a wake up call.     i couldn’t have   .  .   .       come out if it weren’t for you.   ❞      does she realize that?     she finally put jess above herself,     and now she’s here,     learning how to be comfortable in her own skin.     it finally feels like she has taken the chains off her back.        ❝   what happens to you matters to me.        and whatever happens,    i’m here.   ❞        completely,     this time.

・． @freedtruth.

[becamewater-blog]

continued from here.

BEST ASS:            /                      WORST ASS:                HANNAH BAKER.                          JESSICA DAVIS.                            

that list had gotten to her,    she knew this was typical behavior for some of the guys at liberty,  it was herfirst experience with it,    and it made her feel horrible.    she couldn’t understand why they did these things,    or why it brought them some sick form of entertainment.   when she saw the list,    and KNEW that it was alex who had written down hers and hannah’s names,   she needed it to be someone’s fault,    and that someone was hannah.    her boyfriend had just broken up with her,    and then that list came out,    so she immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion.  it was easy for her to pick hannah as the reasonbehind it all,    given the fact that she’d heard plenty of terrible things about her in the halls on a daily basis.   it had to be hannah’s fault.    she couldn’t have it any other way.    why else would alex break upwith her ?

hannah’s words had no impact on her,    she’d already made up her mind    —-    hannah was the one to blame.    ❝   i should’ve known.    i know the rumors,    hannah,   ❞   she stated,    tone firm,    yetaccusing.   there was a time where jessica would never believe those rumors,    where she’d stand by hannah’s side and defend her, but things had changed between them since hannah found out about her and alex.   though they didn’t talk anymore,    jessica wanted to believe her former friend would never betray her like that ;    but as far as she was concerned,   she was mistaken.    ❝   we were friends.    how could you BETRAY ME like that  ?   ❞

it was as if she were  drowning  and she couldn’t find the top   &.   she was losing air —  fast.  hannah baker was a  lot  of things   ,   but those  words  weren’t her. and standing here  ,  in front of her  best  friend  ,   her  monet’s  partner in crime  ,  she couldn’t find any new words to defend herself.   she was  lost  within the pages of her  fabricated  life   ,   inside that  stupid  list. with alex’s words weaved in and out of her scarred skin and jessica was only adding her own form of  art  to hannah’s body.  she was  paper  passed along to  everyone   ,   ripped and crumbled and  bled onto with   VENOM.   ‘   jess  i  —  ‘   was there a  point  to her   b e g g i n g   ?   (   not anymore   )  her words keep getting  lost.   she  speaks  but no one can hear her. or   rather   ,   no one will  (  LISTEN   !   )   laughing  ,  pointing  ,  TALKING.  she can only watch as they  direct her life. how  beautiful  they made her.

‘   you can’t  really  believe  i  did this. it was  alex.   ‘   but was  it   ?   jessica already had the answers she needed. she didn’t  want  hannah’s side.  she  never  did.  she just wanted  validation.   because why  wouldn’t  jessica believe that a  S L U T  like her would sleep with her  best friend’s  boyfriend.    &.   standing there   ,   seeing the  anger  and  hatred  twist around jessica’s face   —   taunting  her   —  she  knew  there was no  rewriting  her story.   jessica saw  hannah baker  for who she was   (   SLUT  SLUT  SLUT   )  and so did  hannah.    she wanted to  cry   ,   SCREAM   ,  and   run  away   all at once. but she just  stood  there.  hoping  that maybe there was still  love  for her within jessica.  that maybe they could get   past  this.     //   @freedtruth

[covrtney]

        THE VIDEO’S BEEN ON REPEAT.           a crowd of boys pushing      &     shoving ; repetitive clamoring heard through the speakers.        a scoff surrounded     by annoyance      a roll of her eyes at  the look of the recording    &     brows positioned in frustration.          she doesn’t find it amusing.                            (  not in the least bit  )                                    ‘     morons.      ’                    call it UNWARRANTED but it slips with such exasperated emotion it was hard to miss.                   ‘      men are such   idiots, i mean       -     how are they not suspended   ?      ’

@freedtruth