It was my first race back since my big injury. So instead of a road race where I could fake it or sit in, why not pick a brutally short "Race of Truth"? Maybe I needed to know "The Truth"? Connor and I got up stupid early and began our drive to Mt. Diablo, blaring some good hardcore to get pumped. It was just like the good ol' days. We got on our trainers for warmup with plenty of time. The mood was a little nervous, but pretty relaxed, and when Kevin showed up, I was amped to be warming up for the first time with my team.
My new warmup felt good, if a little easy, and I rode to the starthouse feeling ready to rip. A short, fast, sub-30 minute climb is always hard, but I knew this was going to be fun as hell. The weather was sunny and not too hot.
As I left the start I felt great. My cadence was high, my power was good, and I was moving along quickly. I was shooting for an average wattage that was appropriate for my fitness level when I was "On Form" around this time last year. I knew I was currently nowhere near that fitness level, but figured it was a short enough race that it would just be extra hard.
Between the start and the halfway mark, I held the average power I was looking for, and was even about 5 watts higher, and feeling good, and optimistic.
Then.....I utterly cracked. Apparently my body was not ready for this kind of effort, and when it blew.......oh man....it blew! All of a sudden my power dropped by about 60 watts and my lungs felt like they were about half the normal size, and my heartbeat started trying to smash my eardrums out from within. The suffering began. I couldn't turn around and give up, and I refused to soft pedal, so I dug in and kept trying.
My pace had slowed radically, and I felt like utter garbage, but I marched on. My eyeballs were dangling out of my skull. My heart was going "WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM!" in my ears. I was slowly dragging my blown cylinders up the hill. The engine was out of oil, and failing, but I kept the gas pedal completely floored. I was suffering. I dug on as people that had started behind me passed at good clip. I refused to relent.
I dug a grave deep enough for my casket, then kept digging, each pedal stroke a shovel full of wet stinking earth. A gnarly screaming Cold Word chorus kept my robotic unrelenting deathmarch-loop brain company as I slowly hacked at my legs with an utterly blunt axe. Suffering.
I gave everything I didn't have left at the last 200 meters, crossed the line in a foggy almost blacked-out state, pulled over, and gripped my bars trying not to fall off the bike. My heart wouldn't stop trying to smash my ribcage out from the inside, and i just stood there clutching my bars with white knuckles, sucking air. Connor rolled up and watched over me while I gathered myself.
Once I got my breathing and heartrate down to human levels, we turned around to roll back down Diablo. As we descended we yelled encouragement to our friends, and thanked the cornerworkers.
About halfway down the descent a wave of elation swept over my body. I DID IT. I started this year unable to walk for three months. I had to learn to walk again with the physical therapist pulling me along with rubber straps. I walked first with crutches, and then with a cane. My first bike ride, I watched my friends wince as I struggled to mount, then wobbled awkwardly with one of my legs as skinny as my arm. And now 7 months later, I had finished a brutal time trial.
I got last place in the Pro1/2 Field, but was extra amped that Kevin had demolished the Cat3 field, and enjoyed the post race parking lot chat session before we drove to HighTechBurritos for lunch. Here's Kev's race report:
Thank you SO MUCH to all my friends and family for helping me when I needed it most. Inspiration takes turns, and luckily I'm surrounded by it. I've said this before: I do this more to inspire others than for myself. If you want something bad enough and refuse to relent, you will get there.